I will report my findings. So far I've noticed a bit of improvement but we will see how things progress over the next couple weeks.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Vitamin c for depression
two years ago I discovered the world of orthomolecular medicine and did my first trial run of vitamins for depression and fatigue. My health took such a spiral coming off antidepressants due to serotonin syndrome that I didn't follow through. Today I am 6 months off all psychotropic medications and still dealing with some nasty depression ontop of this P.O.T.S. disease and unwilling to try drugs due to what I've already been through. I'm giving the vitamin c another round. I started a few days ago with 100mg and have worked my way up to 750mg as of today.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Becoming Self Lead
If you are going to discover something new, do it for yourself, because people generally are not going to like you for proving them wrong.
My life has changed drastically in the last two years, and I feel deep down that it was a decision I made in myself, in my own mind and soul, to discover a deeper truth. What I didn't know is how far, in fact, that would take me.
I was around 24 when, from a heartbreak in a long distance relationship, I realized a few things, one that I physically was not doing very well, and that my mind was degenerating, and that I was following people and patterns that kept leading me to destruction. So I started my path of awakening.
The first thing I decided to do was to get off the medication, Seroquel, that I had taken since I was 14 years old. The medication was prescribed to me when I had been put in the hospital for anxiety and failure to eat because of it, along with several other medications from every psychotropic class. It helped me with my anxiety but had extremely lowered my ability to concentrate, killed my drive in life, my focus, and my ability to relate with other people my age on an intellectual level. I was like a sitting duck in every situation, pretty but shallow in my mind, so that I generally built relationships around stronger individuals who could either carry me or who took advantage of me.
Coming off of Seroquel made me have to change to a different and less agitating antidepressant, and I began to feel more emotions and more of my body. I began to age physically and develop mentally, but it was difficult. I sought convential medical treatment but without much help ended up with homeopathic treatment and also tried herbs and teas. I also ventured into the psychic realms and energetic healing. I opened up to many people of all types, doctors, psychologists, therapists, energy healers, christian healers, etc. I kept pushing to break through a barrier of wakefulness until one day I fell into a cataclysm. After upping my antidepressant and taking a homeopathic remedy staphysgria, I developed serotonin syndrome and my body went into shock at 27.
I spent two years trying to get diagnosed, but experienced the inadequacy of our medical world. I was never hospitalized for the serotonin syndrome in a conventional hospital, I did not have insurance and nobody came to save me. I was told by numerous doctors to back on antidepressants and experienced reactions that were so excruciating that I couldn't tolerate it. I was ostracized by most doctors, even highly educated and capable doctors at the Mayo Clinic, for not complying with the antidepressants.
Physically my body was in breakdown, my heartrate unstable, my eyesight diminishing, inability to eat, somatic pain all around my body, reactions to foods I had never had, hot flashes, involuntary muscle spasms, pressure in my head, neuropathy, confusion, insomnia, heat intolerance, intense dehydration, weight loss, nausea, fatigue... the list goes on. I went to the emergency room around 50 times and was never diagnosed at a hospital, but was forced out on many occasions and even told to go to homeless shelters, escorted by a cop, etc. It was a very difficult time.
I was able to get off all medications besides a medication for tachycardia by April 2014. I knew that whatever illness I had would not benefit from the medications, and that my mind needed to be clear to plead my case to the doubtful doctors. I eventually got a diagnosis of POTS syndrome, which has made those around me a bit more confident in my cause towards achieving health. I also tried to rekindle old relationships that I had from the past for some sort of companionship, but above all, safety. None of them worked out.
What did I realize from all this? That the leader I was searching for was myself, and this is a hard thing to recognize for a person who is so used to being lead. My whole life has been spent in the company of doctors and leaders telling me one way to be, and I believed it and it worked in the past but it won't work in the future. All of those leaders left me to become dust when I was lead into a crisis by their own mechanics. And I now find myself with a clear understanding how alone in a way, that we really are. We are alone in the fact that we are bounded by loyalties to institutions and belief systems. And some belief systems are much more positive and healthy to be bonded to than others. But when all those systems fail, and you recognize the fact that they all are illusions, it creates a dissonance inside. Because I know the oneness is my own, in that it's everyone's and it's everybody's right. But it comes from recognizing singularity. In that I am my own, and that I am everybody's all at once. And my mind and my expressions are somewhat just ideas that flow through me and either a person can relate to them or not. They may feel my presence more fully if I were to express something in common with that person, which by no means a negative thing.
The unresolved feelings I have underneath everything is generally anger. Almost as if the entirety of my life has been false, and me in that, is false. So I stand feeling pressure to reduce my understanding to fit in. Socially, in family, in business, sexually, and religion all things feel very superficial to me. I feel mostly like we conform for identity but not meaning, in general, and that the issues and experiences that I have touched upon are too in depth to realize or discuss. People tend to glass over when I tell my story, or ask questions based on knowledge that the ground is not solid. It's very off putting.
So understanding that my experience doesn't need to be validated by another is the first answer, because it's eternally frustrating to have to have someone agree with you on something that only you truly understand. There's nobody to lean on. And now to deal with the loneliness and the anger of that is the deeper issue. Nobody wants to walk with you on a deep level through your own water without a reward. And most heros are only playing a role. So this is the deeper issue that I have to accept. And it makes me want to play less games with people.
Most people are trying to explain their own narrative, they aren't really trying to give you anything of value, they're just running a program. They're explaining something they have heard or they are trying to explain the way they think things should be, but really seeing things for what they are is the part that people rarely do or every learn from. Reality.
I spent a lot of time in meditation, and I had a good flow with it for a long time until I started to open up about my meditations to a Christian counselor and that person demonized my experience. Lack of understanding. This is the loneliness of knowing that you've stepped a littler farther into things with people, you feel generally disappointed that everyone is trying to tell you what is, and that they don't really want to listen to your experience.
So this brings us back to illusions and loneliness. It's lonely outside of the illusion. It truly is. And much more uncomfortable because it brings to the surface all of my impurities. All my subconscious misunderstandings rage outside of boxes and narratives about life. And so I try to find the meaning of it. But it's something only I can find for myself.
My life has changed drastically in the last two years, and I feel deep down that it was a decision I made in myself, in my own mind and soul, to discover a deeper truth. What I didn't know is how far, in fact, that would take me.
I was around 24 when, from a heartbreak in a long distance relationship, I realized a few things, one that I physically was not doing very well, and that my mind was degenerating, and that I was following people and patterns that kept leading me to destruction. So I started my path of awakening.
The first thing I decided to do was to get off the medication, Seroquel, that I had taken since I was 14 years old. The medication was prescribed to me when I had been put in the hospital for anxiety and failure to eat because of it, along with several other medications from every psychotropic class. It helped me with my anxiety but had extremely lowered my ability to concentrate, killed my drive in life, my focus, and my ability to relate with other people my age on an intellectual level. I was like a sitting duck in every situation, pretty but shallow in my mind, so that I generally built relationships around stronger individuals who could either carry me or who took advantage of me.
Coming off of Seroquel made me have to change to a different and less agitating antidepressant, and I began to feel more emotions and more of my body. I began to age physically and develop mentally, but it was difficult. I sought convential medical treatment but without much help ended up with homeopathic treatment and also tried herbs and teas. I also ventured into the psychic realms and energetic healing. I opened up to many people of all types, doctors, psychologists, therapists, energy healers, christian healers, etc. I kept pushing to break through a barrier of wakefulness until one day I fell into a cataclysm. After upping my antidepressant and taking a homeopathic remedy staphysgria, I developed serotonin syndrome and my body went into shock at 27.
I spent two years trying to get diagnosed, but experienced the inadequacy of our medical world. I was never hospitalized for the serotonin syndrome in a conventional hospital, I did not have insurance and nobody came to save me. I was told by numerous doctors to back on antidepressants and experienced reactions that were so excruciating that I couldn't tolerate it. I was ostracized by most doctors, even highly educated and capable doctors at the Mayo Clinic, for not complying with the antidepressants.
Physically my body was in breakdown, my heartrate unstable, my eyesight diminishing, inability to eat, somatic pain all around my body, reactions to foods I had never had, hot flashes, involuntary muscle spasms, pressure in my head, neuropathy, confusion, insomnia, heat intolerance, intense dehydration, weight loss, nausea, fatigue... the list goes on. I went to the emergency room around 50 times and was never diagnosed at a hospital, but was forced out on many occasions and even told to go to homeless shelters, escorted by a cop, etc. It was a very difficult time.
I was able to get off all medications besides a medication for tachycardia by April 2014. I knew that whatever illness I had would not benefit from the medications, and that my mind needed to be clear to plead my case to the doubtful doctors. I eventually got a diagnosis of POTS syndrome, which has made those around me a bit more confident in my cause towards achieving health. I also tried to rekindle old relationships that I had from the past for some sort of companionship, but above all, safety. None of them worked out.
What did I realize from all this? That the leader I was searching for was myself, and this is a hard thing to recognize for a person who is so used to being lead. My whole life has been spent in the company of doctors and leaders telling me one way to be, and I believed it and it worked in the past but it won't work in the future. All of those leaders left me to become dust when I was lead into a crisis by their own mechanics. And I now find myself with a clear understanding how alone in a way, that we really are. We are alone in the fact that we are bounded by loyalties to institutions and belief systems. And some belief systems are much more positive and healthy to be bonded to than others. But when all those systems fail, and you recognize the fact that they all are illusions, it creates a dissonance inside. Because I know the oneness is my own, in that it's everyone's and it's everybody's right. But it comes from recognizing singularity. In that I am my own, and that I am everybody's all at once. And my mind and my expressions are somewhat just ideas that flow through me and either a person can relate to them or not. They may feel my presence more fully if I were to express something in common with that person, which by no means a negative thing.
The unresolved feelings I have underneath everything is generally anger. Almost as if the entirety of my life has been false, and me in that, is false. So I stand feeling pressure to reduce my understanding to fit in. Socially, in family, in business, sexually, and religion all things feel very superficial to me. I feel mostly like we conform for identity but not meaning, in general, and that the issues and experiences that I have touched upon are too in depth to realize or discuss. People tend to glass over when I tell my story, or ask questions based on knowledge that the ground is not solid. It's very off putting.
So understanding that my experience doesn't need to be validated by another is the first answer, because it's eternally frustrating to have to have someone agree with you on something that only you truly understand. There's nobody to lean on. And now to deal with the loneliness and the anger of that is the deeper issue. Nobody wants to walk with you on a deep level through your own water without a reward. And most heros are only playing a role. So this is the deeper issue that I have to accept. And it makes me want to play less games with people.
Most people are trying to explain their own narrative, they aren't really trying to give you anything of value, they're just running a program. They're explaining something they have heard or they are trying to explain the way they think things should be, but really seeing things for what they are is the part that people rarely do or every learn from. Reality.
I spent a lot of time in meditation, and I had a good flow with it for a long time until I started to open up about my meditations to a Christian counselor and that person demonized my experience. Lack of understanding. This is the loneliness of knowing that you've stepped a littler farther into things with people, you feel generally disappointed that everyone is trying to tell you what is, and that they don't really want to listen to your experience.
So this brings us back to illusions and loneliness. It's lonely outside of the illusion. It truly is. And much more uncomfortable because it brings to the surface all of my impurities. All my subconscious misunderstandings rage outside of boxes and narratives about life. And so I try to find the meaning of it. But it's something only I can find for myself.
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