The Crucifixion

 I think, in the archetypal sense, the cross serves to validate a certain part of self that we morn over. The part of self that believes in love, equality, non judgement, and speaks the truth that gets shut down by the world. Our highest selves, crucified, by pride, greed, religion, and politics. We at least find... some sort solace in the outward recognition of that internal suffering. Further than that, I haven't gotten.

I think that it's safe to assume, that since the Jews killed Christ, who was a Jew, that if Christ were to come again, he would most likely be killed again by his own religion, now the Christians, that is, if Christians can't understand and correct the false spiritual principles that were being practiced by the Jews that killed Christ in the first place. 

In illness there's nothing more painful than losing the ones you love the most.

Prayer of Devotion

God and jesus, I ask that you be the master of my soul. I ask that I never be allowed to exceed the boundary of your covenant. No matter the blindness of my intent, I pray that you contain my existence in your will.
Because your knowledge is fuller. Your love is wider. And your plan for me more complete.

Keep the world off of me lord, that I may neither be satisfied or disappointed by the impermanent things of this place. Foster the transcendent space within me that I may be an instrument to shine light on the world. 

Walking in the Dark, The Two Beasts, and Christian Gnosticism

Me and my friend have had two very similar dreams in the past couple days. Interestingly, it is holy week, and there are a series of very intense eclipses happening that are thought to bring things into awareness, especially dark forces or parts of self.
My friend said he had a dream that Yeshua came back in our time, and people did not recognize him, and tried to kill him. This doesn't surprise me, it's exactly what happened in his time. He was God, or Truth, incarnate, and nobody could recognize him as so, because they served a very different truth. In Christian Gnosticism, Jesus tells a creation story that describes the creator of this world, named Yaldoblith. He was the third of three gods, there is God the Father, who created God the Mother, or Sophia (meaning wisdom). Yaldoblith was created by Sophia without God the Father's knowledge (sound a bit like Eve eating the apple in the garden of Eden?) and created this demented creator. He created the Earth, and didn't want the angels or its inhabitants to have knowledge of the true God above him, lest he might lose his power. That's why Jesus was sent into the world, to "cast out the ruler of this world", and to show us the true way back to the kingdom.
Christian Gnosticism means Christian knowledge. Gnosis is the common Greek noun for knowledge. To have gnosis is to have knowledge, and to be a Christian Gnostic is to know and embody the teachings and wisdom (or knowledge) brought to us by Jesus Christ.
One of my own experiences with Christ was about 3 months ago. I began reading a Bible that was given to my parents by one of our neighbors who knew I had been struggling for a long time. I had a very hard time reading it with comfort. I had grown extremely suspect of the church, for some valid, and some not so valid reasons. When I was younger, and happier, I leaned into the church with comfort and ease, and reading again reminded me of that time. I realized how unable I was to trust anymore,  as my crisis had become existential at it's core, so I began to pray. I closed my eyes and I could feel and see Jesus sitting on the bed next to me. I knew it was him because his presence feels like the presence of thousands of people. I believe this is his consciousness in those who accept him.  There is indeed a body of Christ. The other way I knew it was him was the open wide nature of his presence, as well as the deep knowledge associated it and the pure love. It was like seeing the person you had been missing your whole life, like everything made sense, and I knew everything I need to know in this bright white presence.
When I continued to pray after that, I didn't always get that experience. It took me a while to realize that it's because Jesus yokes us. He shows up on our path to give us just the amount of direction we need to find our way, and to get back on the path. He teaches us how to walk in the dark, until we learn to foster the light within ourselves. "You are the light of the world."
Yesterday I had my own dream. I saw two beasts and they were surprisingly vocal about their purpose and place. They said they were looking for christ inside me, and were there to kill it. They looked like javelinas with hedgehog backs. I realize that sounds really weird, it's just the visual I received.
This is a central theme in Christianity, that parts of ourselves do not wish to recognize Christ, because Christ reveals the truth, and that means the whole truth, even in us. If we don't want to see the things inside ourselves that cover our light, we try to squash him. Christ is truth. "I am the truth the way and the life."
I felt really strongly yesterday that those two beasts were fear. When I brought it to my friend, he felt that they were fear and anger. I think he may be right. I am asking christ to help me defeat these creatures in myself. They are very strong with the illness I am experiencing. I know that he already has made it so.

Benzo withdrawal second wave

I quit valium after going on and off 13 months on April 1st. Been doing really well but hit a big wave last night. Im finding that it goes up and down. The best medicine is talking to calm people. That and distracting myself with something to do or work on. Putting my energy towards something. Waves rise and fall throughout the day. It feels like trying to fit my whole soul through a very tight space. Everything kind of freezes. For this reason, a little bit of movement is also helpful. I'm grateful when things open back up.

The Bridal Chamber

After my "rebirth", I have been really struggling to maintain that expanded consciousness. It's not an easy thing to do. Jesus speaks of entering the bridal chamber, that you have to be simple and alone to do it. I believe that. I am starting to understand it a little bit better.

The bridal chamber is that place I blogged about before, the place that is expansive. When we are led there, it's like we have room again. We are in a place where we can take root, and our spirit can grow. We ultimately, spiritually, from how I'm seeing it, have to go through a two part process. The first is to let go of the things that weigh us down. We have to somehow give it up. I have had some success with this through prayer and crying. It works, really well. But I have to dig deep to get the crap out. After I've cleared away the nonsense, I move into the expansive place. This is the marriage between me and god. In my mind's eye, it's always a field.  A big open field. And god is the light, the earth is god too, we are the seed and we are able to receive god's support, god's love, god's insight, and god's time and space. I now how room to grow. So we grow, in this light we grow and then we blossom, we become "trees that house the birds of heaven." We become our true selves, we fulfill our purpose. We find our unique calling that God has for us, and it isn't narrow. It's really expansive, it's more expansive than what we had before. I know that "god's will" becomes a block because we think god will want for us, may be what a lot of narrow religious people wanted for us. But that's not it. God really has the fulfillment of dreams and your deepest longings in mind. God put those seeds in you so that they would grow. 

In the bridal chamber, we discover our purpose. And that purpose is always something that fills us up so much, that we are overflowing and we give back. It's not giving in the worldly sense, it's a whole different kind of fulfillment. It's being so full, so joyous, and so clear that we have nothing left to do but to give of it. We have too much for just ourselves. We become the light of the world, to shine on all people. It's not a tense thing, it's not a selfless thing. It's a matter of fulfillment. 

I struggle every day to get into the "bridal chamber" or the open field. I have spent weeks without it since my experience in my mother's arms. I suspect I will come in and out of this place over and over. I don't think we arrive and are just "in". It does not work like that. I get kicked out of the bridal chamber, right quick, but it's not by god, it's by me. It's by the things I put on that I let feed off me, and keep me from being "simple". The irony is, once I can enter in simply, I become more expansive, so the simplicity isn't like a constant state. It's just you can't cross the bridge with too much "baggage." I really hate the word baggage, because baggage is often the best conduit to recognizing your true self. I find that chasing my pain helps me to enter into the bridal chamber. I'm still not sure how that's working. So don't be afraid of your baggage. Just be afraid of being in a lie. I think that's a much more important to recognize. 

In love. 

Chose Life: The Original Self, and Zombies

There is a thread of truth that all spiritual masters touch on. And that's the pureness and the goodness of the original self. The idea is that you are the light of the world, and that light shines from within you. It comes from God, but it is you, you in the likeness and image of God.
The light within you is love, you can remember it if you can recall the expansive nature of being a child. As an adult it's not about getting or understanding something that brings us back to our original self, it's about un-getting, or unlearning. We start to build up layers, defense mechanisms, addictions, wrong beliefs, etc, that cover our light. And our light connects with other people's light, and the light of the planet and the ethers. When our own light dims, we lose the connection between god and others, and these universal energies. We start looking for it outside ourselves, forgetting that the receiving end of the light comes from within, and we've severed the connection.
What's integral to any successful spiritual practice is to have some way to start breaking down those barriers, so we can reestablish a connection. So we aren't alone in our own cave of consciousness, anymore. The true cause of suffering, in my very humble opinion, is separation. It's loneliness. Take it from someone who spent 14 years under a rock. Nothing more lonely than that.
So this is the hardest part. The only solvents for these barriers are loving, compassionate, playful, creative, and childlike. We have to find ways to fall in love again. Stories matter, and we can't thrive off the idea that hardness is wholeness. We have to believe in everyone's goodness, in beauty, in revival. All the things we threw off and discarded as we made our way into our adulthood as childish are usually the things that will set us free.
If you weren't love to your core, if you weren't a part of god and of great worth, then you wouldn't get extremely sick and depressed when you are cut off from it. That's the proof of who you are and where you belong right there. An infant left alone, untouched, eventually dies. It's because we are meant to be connected. We're part of a web. And the adult heart is much the same. The adult body may endure, but there are a lot of walking dead out there, seeking out and feeling the need for a tremendous amount of power outside of themselves. The most power hungry people are the most removed from their true selves, and the power of the light that shines within it.
Being a person who's light is covered is a dead person walking. This is where the idea of new life comes from. It's from getting free from those layers, being alive again. When your light is covered, it effects your perception. The world looks very different. You don't see people anymore, you see and judge people by their outer shells. You start counting people's worth by how thick and well crafted their outer shell is. And you miss the living. You become attracted to the most shut down individuals. And you may even become cruel and judgmental of souls who are still free. You create more division. This is why "judge not or you will be judged." As you shut down the light in others, you shut down the very connection you have been searching for to set you free.
So the antidote? Give into love. It's not easy, in fact, it's the very hardest thing to do. Giving into love takes courage. It means not serving the ego. It means being brave enough to not listen to the heckling zombies who want you playing an endless game, dead just like them. It means being brave enough to find connection. It means being exposed. It means giving into your authentic self. It means that we are all worthy of love, and it means giving up the competition.
It also means, finding yourself, and finding rest. It means walking into a more expansive atmosphere. It means ascending above the bullshit, it means true individuization. It means gaining the capacity to hear and see God, it means having a new inflow of energy and creative inspiration, it means becoming a hero.
There are two worlds on this planet, and that's the tension you have been feeling. There's the world of the dead, and the world of the living. From each vantage point, reality looks different. The rules are different, and so are the rewards. It's a choice between opening inward, or outward, and nobody, no matter what religion, sex, educational status, race, or monetary status is exempt from making their choice. We chose every day.
Chose life.

Healing crisis: Organic Compunds and Detoxing from Antidepressants and Benzodiazepines

So one of my favorite gifts of detox from antidepressants and benzodiazepines is that you get the joy of getting sick from everything that is healthy for you. And the subsequent freak out that accompanies it.
So what's happened is that my body has stored up so much crap from taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabalizers, that it all now gets to be released into my bloodstream for detoxification. Organic and raw compounds have little keys in them. They bind to toxins, they unlock metabolic processes and come alongside our own body's efforts to get a job done. They speed up the healing process.
Why does this suck? Because it means that every time I eat a raspberry or anything raw, vegetable or fruit, my body releases toxins into my blood stream and I get sick. SUPER SICK. I develop rashes on my face and in my nose, my skin itches, my scalp itches, my eyes hurt, I become nauseous, fatigued, and moody. I am far from zen.
It has taken me a long time to wrap my head around what the hell is going on. The thought still creeps in my head that I am allergic to all healthy foods, or that I have candida. 
Detox is like sitting on a geyser that's waiting to blow, 24/7. I'm still figuring out how to kindly and slowly let off this crap. The best I've done so far is to stay away from junk foods, drinking lots of filtered water, resting, grounding (don't judge), crying (again!), and lots of cooked vegetables. Organic is obvious, and I can't eat at any restaurants without getting sick. I get to live in a bubble.

The Lord's Prayer

God of us all,
who dwells in the sacred place,
your name is pure love.
May your reality arise in and around us,
may your will have power among us,
and the ways of heaven be manifest on Earth.
Sustain us in all ways as we walk our sacred paths,
And give us forgiving hearts, that worldly standards may not guide us into an empty and divided spaces.
Give us eyes to see the traps that bind our souls,
and if we ever are to become lost or enslaved,
keep close and lead us safely back to you.
Amen

Let Your Presence Be Known

I stopped Valium and Remeron the night before the first of March. I knew it was time. The days leading up to this breakthrough were tough. I was very sick, very paranoid, and the fear crescendoed by the 3rd or 4th day. March 4th, I was very sick. I had called 911 the night before, my heartrate was very unstable again. It was that night I was able to set the record straght with the EMTs who had been to visit me frequently. I saw large flashes of light in my panic, that somehow dissipated my anxiety. I was able to speak calmly and clearly with a heartrate of 100 bpm that this wasn't in my head, that I was in withdrawal. They left kindly, seemingly broken from the illusion that I was insane. I am glad that it was the last time I saw them.

On March 4th I couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror. I remember sitting outside with my mom, just trying to stay calm, feeling as though 1,000 volts were running through my body. The agony. I tried to take a nap. I prayed for help to dissipate the energy. I closed my eyes and I felt the anxiety mounting again, and heard the word, "explode." I felt the terror, I'm going to lose my mind. I had to get up and walk, even though I was afraid of my heart rate being too high.
I walked around the house briskly for about 15 minutes. I had been frozen for months, so it took a lot of courage. I knew that this energy was going to break me if I didn't move it somehow. I felt better after that but exhausted. I was scared, sleeping only a couple hours over a three day period just is scary. Especially when you feel like you have enough energy to run a marathon. Horrible acidic energy. My body felt like it was full of acid. I knew all the suppressed toxins and negative emotions where leaking into my bloodstream. I was drinking lots of water to get it out.
Me and my family had been at wits. I was so angry. My mom sat down next to me. I began to sob. I was so tired of being in agony, the two years of withdrawal just made me long for life again. She took me in her arms, there on the couch I wept and wept for two hours. I was filled with this longing for connection. I had been so disconnected for so long. So unable to feel love, so angry, so unendingly angry. I had forgotten who I was outside of this hell. Somehow being in my mothers arms awakened old feelings of my love for her, and a much more peaceful connection to her before all this. I began to remember, just a little bit, who I was. I said to her "I'm so sorry for all the awful things I've done." And she just, as though nothing had happened, said, "It's ok. I know you're not feeling well." And that began the cascade of compassion. I felt the longing for my family, for my old friends, for california, the love for myself, the self i had come to hate through all this, the parts of self I had rejected, this life and all it's connections that had been burried under pain and hatred. We bagan to fall asleep. I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I let go, as though I was dying in that moment. I said the lord's prayer, and I heard the voice of someone whispering to me something about death. I saw this big black wall, such a cliche thing to see. With black bricks. The voice was very close to me but on my side of the wall. And this wall just busted open, like I had busted through it. I exploded. And I saw myself, I felt all these old energies from my past. I felt god again. I felt the connection to my mother. I saw a place in california right next to the resovour. Right after I busted through this wall, I heard and saw the words "let your presence be known."
I saw angels up ahead, they were around this big hole in the sky covered by clouds. And I heard that god was watching over me, that I had been on the Valium for 13 and a half months, and that Chris Barker had made things worse. I somehow energetically busted through a wall that had been up for a very long time. And when I opened my eyes, I was filled with childlike joy. I looked at my mom and it was like, the joy a child feels when they see their mother. I was so happy to see her! I can't believe, the relief I felt, I still feel.
That feeling faded but it hasn't gone away. Over the next few days I came back into reality about my family and where they are, but my depression is gone. My anxiety is reasonable, considering coming off the benzo and what I've been through, and my personality has returned.
I still don't understand exactly what happened that day on that couch. I can't believe.. the shift that has occurred, like I regained my soul. That's the only way I can describe it, that my soul got locked behind this wall that somehow stopped the inflow of certain energies. I think god always holds us, but we can be cut off from within and we feel it, it's a horrible feeling. It truly is hell.

I'm very grateful for this experience. it was horrible to go through, but it was like a rebirth. somehow I made it home. And by home, I mean a spiritual place. I made it to a safe and open space, where I can be nurtured by positive energies. That sounds so lame, but it's the deepest thing that's ever happened to me. I am so eternally grateful that on the other side of medication for me, there was freedom. True freedom. Freedom in my soul, my spirit. The blessing of my soul, to be who I am, to explore to learn to "let my presence be known." To not hide behind a wall of defense, to not hide my feelings. To become the person I was intended to be, by god. I sound so crazy, but it's so beautiful. It's so wonderful. It's so good to know that who I am is deeper than a diagnosis, supported by the universe. I am free! I am finally free! Now, my life can finally start! Thank you God!