Wishful Regrets

Wish I never smoked a cigarette. Wish I never took a pill. Wish I never drank alcohol, wish I never smoked weed. Wish I hadn't changed schools or started having sex with boys. Wish I was shinny and new, healthy and pure.

Karma. Me and my fucked up Karma.

I read this article on Karma and it's helping me deal with my bad karma.

What is Karma?

I've been struggling with the fact that I know my "karma" has brought me to this really tough, shitty situation that I'm having to move through. And I take it on with a sense of deep guilt. I've carried around this idea that I did something horrible at some point in this life or another to acquire this shit storm. I pray for forgiveness every night, and morning.

It turns out that karma isn't quite that simple. Karma means "passed on from the past" not just "punishment for things you did in the past".  Not all of your karma originates from you. People pass on karma that hurts themselves and others. It's like setting off a chain reaction. So what that means is that karma started somewhere, and when we acquire it, no matter its origin, we still have to be the ones that transmute it.

So we take on societal karma, family karma, and we create our own karma. Basically it's all very interconnected, but the solution is within the self. This doesn't mean that I can go on blaming my problems on other people, it means I have to take responsibility for the things that I learned and chose to carry out, the actions that I took based on ignorance and through awareness or "enlightenment", change it.

This is helpful for me because I tend to take it all on like I am responsible for the gravity of every wrong situation I encounter. Even if someone does something to me I say it is my karma that brought me here. I now don't think this is entirely true. I think that I struggle with resisting other people's bad karma because I feel it is my fault. So I stay stuck. This perpetuates that bad karma. I bring it in, I don't sidestep it. I say "yes, this is my burden I must bear it", and I suffer deeply.

So I must learn to recognize bad karma and not feel the need to internalize it. It is not me. It is not anybody, really. The true self is exempt from the cycles of cause and effect in the physical world. It is source energy, love, obviously. Consciousness. But that consciousness comes into this mess of energetic processes expressing themselves physically, and from what I can tell so far, it is like a game. I'm not sure what the end goal is, people say "enlightenment", and I think that's probably true, but the word does explain itself so I'm still not sure if that's correct or not.

But it seems like a game. And the game seems to have to do with learning to recognize that which is around us. Learning to understand this existence and these experiences, recognize their mechanism of action, and after understanding this we then... ?  So we come to see and then from there I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with it. Avoid pain? Become productive? This brings to mind a few teachings of Jesus, found in the Gnostic Bible of Thomas, which read;

5 Jesus said, "Know what is in front of your face, and what is hidden from you will be disclosed to you.

For there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. [And there is nothing buried that will not be raised."]

In other words, come to understand yourself and your world and why things are happening the way they are. If you can come to understand that, you will see what you cannot see. 

Because your world is being created by these undiscovered cycles of karma. And while you may want to hide from them, your ignorance will not free you from it, rather it will force itself onto you with strength in an effort to reveal itself. 

"When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

"2 Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will reign over all. [And after they have reigned they will rest.]"

Holy crap, this stuff blows my mind. 

buddhist wheel of karma

#karma #karmarealmeaning #whatiskarma

Heart rate shot up 140

I woke up around 2:12 feeling sick. I got up and began to walk around. My heart rate climbed. It wouldn't stop so after 20 minutes i am called an ambulance. They measured it and it rested at 140. Im guessing it was around 160 at first. Burning in my chest. I did not go to the ER. I suspect withdrawal again but cant be certain. It is peculiar that this always happens at night. Two hours later it is coming down.

Worst cycle so far

Im having the most painful cycle so far. It came a week early. Inflamed bladder and intestines. Sore throat. Shooting pains and cramping.

Valium is a bust: another allergy

I am so close to getting off the stupid valium. I was able to go a day without it and developed an increase heartrate by the middle of the next day so had to take a very small amount (about. 1 mg) but it wasn't enough. I woke up in the middle of the night w an increased heartrate again. I noticed my eyes were bloodshot and dry and throat was sore already from such a small dose. Buy to avoid another trip to the ER I took another .15 mg. My cervix, bladder and colin inflammation have also reached a critical point so much so that my second gynocologist insist endoscopic surgery to find the source of the inflammation. I can't help the thought that the source is under everybody's nose, a combination of allergic type reactions to all the psych Meds I've taken this year in my attempt to stay medicated even after they stopped working. This scares me bc I have to go off but nobody will hear me when I tell them I am reacting to the medications. I pray my cervix will recover after all this as well as my other affected organs and that there's no cancer bc inflammation I've heard is a condusive environment to all types of cancer. Antihistamines interact with valuium so that is off the table. They have tested everything to find the source of my severe pelvic pain: tested for all stds and bacterias, including testing for bacterias and viruses in the blood, stool sample for parasytes, many many exams stretching over a year revealing physical signs of my cervix "looking like a skinned knee", an endoscopy and colonoscopy, ultrasound of my pelvis and mri of my abdomen. Now they insist on laproscopic surgery to check for endometriosis which would probably cause more inflammation and require me to take pain Meds and considering that I tend yo develop reactions within two weeks to any med and even some vitamins, im not too exited about it. Im afraid of waking up with more bloodshot eyes this morning. This is all very scary. Time to pray again. God please he'll me through again. You have helped me so many times. Eyes are burning. Hands are numb.

Just a rant

Today has been like a fog. I got bad sleep last night, worse than usual. I ate a handful of chocolate almonds, some bread, and a small piece of pie and ice cream. I was frustrated after spending a day at mayo clinic. I went to a cardiologist for an echocardiogram which turned up normal. I keep thinking of I go to the specialists the internist suggests, maybe they will eventually lead to the truth of the matter. I am realiZing they have no clue what is wrong. I feel hopeless often times at the lack of help and I owe about 10,000 dollars in medical bills.
It is 107 degrees here and I don't have a car. My eyes are bloodshot and im spacy and tired waiting at a bus stop. My classes are online so I go to my college's main computing commons to use their large desktop computers which are great to use when working on graphic and web design projects. It also gives me a change of scenery.
I talk to my mother often. It is hard for me to talk to people I don't know well. Deep depressive states make you feel unfamiliar to yourself. Everything becomes a question because it is a new and strange experience. Life doesn't build upon past experience anymore because you are on a different track. So the act of simply trying to figure out who to be when someone new talks to you can be daunting. If you were to present yourself honestly as a person feeling the way you feel, you are likely to make someone unco.fortable. if you act as a happy person when you are deeply sad, you are living outside of integrity and silencing that person suffering on the inside. So this is where isolation starts bc it is often times more painful to live in the juxtaposition. There is no clear solution.

Luck with food changes

Im having luck not eating any sugar dairy or gluten. Numb hands at night are almost completely gone. Emotions much more level.

Poem on the anger of illness

In my darkest hours
I found myself alone
Even the kindest of souls
Were repeled by my anguish
I pray for forgivness
For my inability to maintain grace
In the face of the storm that enslaved me
For when I saw them retreat
Afraid of what they saw inside me
I retaliated against the chasm
Between me and my fellow man
And broke loves frail thread

ER again

I woke up in the middle of the night august 30th and noticed a very strange irregular heartbeat. 15 seconds later my heartrate shot through the roof. Ran downstairs and woke my boyfriend and when he felt my heart he called 911. My arms felt a flooding sensation that was tingling but more intense than the normal tingling I have experienced. By the time emt got there it was down to 120 and I decided to go to the ER to be monitored. It took 5 hours for my heartrate to slow down and I was discharged without much instruction feeling like an idiot for going. But the symptoms began to come back namely the vertigo ( a feeling like im being shoved or there is an earthquake) dizziness and now chest pain and loss of appetite. My bowels also locked up a few days prior to the episode. I took 2.5 valium lastnight and did better and was finally able to go to the bathroom. This morning the chest pain returned and after a very short walk to the end of the street I got the sensation of being shoved again and then chest pain increased so I took another 2 mg. Im very fearful and have sent my amazing internist my symptoms and some information on withdrawal and informed my sigbifigant other and my parents. I hope to make it through without permanent damage. After taking 2 mg this morning 20 min ago it is now 9:30 and I am feeling less anxiety but still chest pain. I am not leaving the house or going in the heat. Im also taking vitamin c d and magnesium. I will be continuing to stay away from gluten as well as stop all sugar. Lots of oils and have been sober from any drugs or alcohol for 4 months.