There is a bitterness in me that I don't like. A lack of compassion that excuses my behavior. An energy of violence that reaches into me. I don't know where it came from, but I don't like what it is.
I want to find my true self. The self that isn't ignorant or blind, but sees the conflict, feels the strife, and choses the light in every situation. I want to find the true warrior, the priest in myself, the saint, the hero. I heard in an evangelical church this summer that this was the year of crossing over. And if I had one wish, this would be it. To find the hero in me. The true hero. To finally get my crown, a crown of love, of honor. Of God's good will for us all. I want to be a person that believes in what's right, in something that gives to all people. That doesn't discriminate, that forgives, that's real. That sprite that was in me before I fell into my baggage, before I went through the dark night. I want it back, back stronger and more powerful than any hatred, any greed, any terror. I want my life back. I want life again.
That's my prayer. God help me. Amen.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Learning to eat again and off of prescription medications
Learning to eat again, I have to examine my unconscious mind. I'm finding that, in order to heal, I must first examine the emotional turmoil that is stopping my mind and body from having proper responses to food. Where as a healthy person would it a food, and have an association in direct response to the food they ate and the subsequent experience they have, I myself experience free association and an onslaught of internal messages that cause me to spin round and round, and often times give up. Sometimes I make food and find myself presenting it to others to eat. I often don't eat the food.
Here are the words I think when trying to buy foods or eat them:
Diet. Too much. Slow Down. Starve. Die. Give Back. Spoiled. Calm Down.
I have "pots" syndrome, but it's just a word, and gives me many excuses to be critical about food. I've gone to the extreme, while coming off my prescribed psych meds in an effort to fully heal, I pretty much starved myself on an extreme diet. I was gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, organic. While it may be helpful for some, and probably a physically healthy choice, emotionally it was a disaster for me and the emotions took a toll my health as I dropped to less than 100 pounds. I looked like a chemo patient.
I woke up today and went and got McDonalds. Egg McMuffin and hashbrowns. I used to love McDonald's. I know it's not good for you. And I thought of the people who would chastise me for it, and I heard the words of I listed above, and I did it anyway. I am tired of living afraid of everything and having no sense of self.
I went to the grocery store and bought myself everything that looked good to me. Chocolate cake slice, pound cake, organic chocolate chip cookies, pomegranate, orange, apple juice, a non organic coconut oil in a plastic jar, bagels, potatoes, jiffy peanut butter with hydrogenated oil. Organic chicken nuggets. I took them upstairs.
My mother tends to overreact to food. She calls herself a "foodie" which drives me insane. Basically, she has to talk everything out around food. And I've taken on that trait in other ways. Her messages interceded with my own in childhood and I learned that being skinny was a very precious thing. I believe that I dissociated from my feelings of hunger pretty early on, as well as most of my feelings. For that reason I've been oblivious to the fact that I have what is called an eating disorder, "not otherwise specified". In effect, I don't feel hunger. Instead I feel a really strong sense of uneasiness, emotional confusion, perhaps a desire to control, and a sense of being overwhelmed. I'm having a really hard time processing basic feelings. So I'm learning to do this separate from other people, which is what I never learned before. This is probably why I cook food and bring it to others for approval.
I had a memory this morning, of a safe place for me, that I felt as a child. I generally don't feel safe places of aloneness. When I was a kid, on Saturdays, like today, I could go into my parents room with a pop tart and watch cartoons. I loved that. Nickelodeon. I remember the orange Nickelodeon logo. That was a completely self contained world for me. I had all I needed, even though it was small, and it was childish, I fed myself, and I did something I wanted and nobody was frustrating me or telling me what to feel or how to be, there was no yelling, there were no expectations.
In short, without being on prescription medications, I am reverting back to my former nature, and revisiting a much younger idea of self. Childhood was the time that framed my interpersonal relational model, and the body follows the lead of the mind. I took on the anger and feelings of loss that were around me and I turned those feelings inward on my body. Not eating was a way for me to express those emotions, in the most quiet, most un-seen way. Furthermore, the challenge for me in the future is to learn to let my presence be known, despite the feelings of others.
Here are the words I think when trying to buy foods or eat them:
Diet. Too much. Slow Down. Starve. Die. Give Back. Spoiled. Calm Down.
I have "pots" syndrome, but it's just a word, and gives me many excuses to be critical about food. I've gone to the extreme, while coming off my prescribed psych meds in an effort to fully heal, I pretty much starved myself on an extreme diet. I was gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, organic. While it may be helpful for some, and probably a physically healthy choice, emotionally it was a disaster for me and the emotions took a toll my health as I dropped to less than 100 pounds. I looked like a chemo patient.
I woke up today and went and got McDonalds. Egg McMuffin and hashbrowns. I used to love McDonald's. I know it's not good for you. And I thought of the people who would chastise me for it, and I heard the words of I listed above, and I did it anyway. I am tired of living afraid of everything and having no sense of self.
I went to the grocery store and bought myself everything that looked good to me. Chocolate cake slice, pound cake, organic chocolate chip cookies, pomegranate, orange, apple juice, a non organic coconut oil in a plastic jar, bagels, potatoes, jiffy peanut butter with hydrogenated oil. Organic chicken nuggets. I took them upstairs.
My mother tends to overreact to food. She calls herself a "foodie" which drives me insane. Basically, she has to talk everything out around food. And I've taken on that trait in other ways. Her messages interceded with my own in childhood and I learned that being skinny was a very precious thing. I believe that I dissociated from my feelings of hunger pretty early on, as well as most of my feelings. For that reason I've been oblivious to the fact that I have what is called an eating disorder, "not otherwise specified". In effect, I don't feel hunger. Instead I feel a really strong sense of uneasiness, emotional confusion, perhaps a desire to control, and a sense of being overwhelmed. I'm having a really hard time processing basic feelings. So I'm learning to do this separate from other people, which is what I never learned before. This is probably why I cook food and bring it to others for approval.
I had a memory this morning, of a safe place for me, that I felt as a child. I generally don't feel safe places of aloneness. When I was a kid, on Saturdays, like today, I could go into my parents room with a pop tart and watch cartoons. I loved that. Nickelodeon. I remember the orange Nickelodeon logo. That was a completely self contained world for me. I had all I needed, even though it was small, and it was childish, I fed myself, and I did something I wanted and nobody was frustrating me or telling me what to feel or how to be, there was no yelling, there were no expectations.
In short, without being on prescription medications, I am reverting back to my former nature, and revisiting a much younger idea of self. Childhood was the time that framed my interpersonal relational model, and the body follows the lead of the mind. I took on the anger and feelings of loss that were around me and I turned those feelings inward on my body. Not eating was a way for me to express those emotions, in the most quiet, most un-seen way. Furthermore, the challenge for me in the future is to learn to let my presence be known, despite the feelings of others.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
6 months off prescription meds
Sometimes I feel like I've never even been here. The world looks like a different place, and my innocence is surely stifled by the experience of making the decision to go off prescription drugs. Somewhere in this the damage of the reality of the situation made me much more vengeful than I'm comfortable with, but for now I had taken things slow recognizing my inner turmoil. I'm starting to let it out, to others I mean. Nobody likes it.
Despite all this, I've decided to try beyond diagnosis. I have gotten them, and I know now more than anything that any diagnosis never sufficiently touches on the entirety of an illness, and doctors surely don't know the way to health, or sanity for that matter. Medical or psychiatric, it tends to be a downward spiral. Finding the self in all this is typically the one thing left out, and the essential piece. I am still here and I plan on getting better, even if sometimes it's hard to believe. I had one doctor tell me I'd never get my heart racing under control (4 months ago) and I already have so f these people. Doctors should be called reporters cause all they give is bad news. A lesson to be learned, never listen to doubt. As it's said by some Irish proverb, "If you must doubt, doubt your doubts, not your beliefs." I'm still working on it. And I still want to be a good person.
So Vitamin C has worked out for me. And I have been starving with a tight stomach and high anxiety and taking a small bit of Niacinamide, (about 100 mg) ramped up my hunger after a two year long struggle to get enough calories. I wolfed down a piece of cake last night now problem. Proud of myself.
I am using the Vitamin Cure for Depression (sounds like drool) but not so much when your struggling with energy issues. It helps better than the drugs because it addresses my body, which is obviously in need of nourishment and is suffering from this so called POTS disorder, which is totally brought on by detoxing these horrible asshole drugs. And the accompanied grief. So yes, a week on about 500-750mg vitamin C a day with exercise had done me good but I had a lapse because my chest was killing me. Killing me. My heart hurt as it beat in the middle of the night, I even went to the doctor about it, who claimed it was my posture. Good job, doc, stupid. So I knew it was my weight, even though I am around 110, it's not enough. I had to stop until the Niacinamide came into mind and I'm back eating more, so I'm really grateful about that. I've added 400mg Folic Acid today, and might add some B6 tomorrow.
I don't have a job, I've been way too sick to do it but I need to. My plan is to get working within the month.
Current Script:
1,000 mg daily Vitamin C (For norepenephrine and dopamine production)
50-100mg Niacinamide (For serotonin production, sleep, appetite increase, and sleep)
400mg Folic Acid* (Regulates serotonin, dopamine, and norephineprine)
20 min a day exercise
Stuffing myself with lots more food
Will update, Tata for now.
*Folic Acid generates L-methylfolate with the help of the enzyme MTHFR (Methylentetrahydrofolate reductase). Some people have low MTHFR activity because of a genetic polymorphism (variation) and should use the pre methylated form called Methylfolate for supplementation. Such persons only recover using this type of folate. You can buy Methylfolate vitamins online or at specialty stores.
#methfr mutation #depression #pots syndrome #P.O.T.S. #vitamin #zoloft #celexa #seroqeul #detox #recovery
Despite all this, I've decided to try beyond diagnosis. I have gotten them, and I know now more than anything that any diagnosis never sufficiently touches on the entirety of an illness, and doctors surely don't know the way to health, or sanity for that matter. Medical or psychiatric, it tends to be a downward spiral. Finding the self in all this is typically the one thing left out, and the essential piece. I am still here and I plan on getting better, even if sometimes it's hard to believe. I had one doctor tell me I'd never get my heart racing under control (4 months ago) and I already have so f these people. Doctors should be called reporters cause all they give is bad news. A lesson to be learned, never listen to doubt. As it's said by some Irish proverb, "If you must doubt, doubt your doubts, not your beliefs." I'm still working on it. And I still want to be a good person.
So Vitamin C has worked out for me. And I have been starving with a tight stomach and high anxiety and taking a small bit of Niacinamide, (about 100 mg) ramped up my hunger after a two year long struggle to get enough calories. I wolfed down a piece of cake last night now problem. Proud of myself.
I am using the Vitamin Cure for Depression (sounds like drool) but not so much when your struggling with energy issues. It helps better than the drugs because it addresses my body, which is obviously in need of nourishment and is suffering from this so called POTS disorder, which is totally brought on by detoxing these horrible asshole drugs. And the accompanied grief. So yes, a week on about 500-750mg vitamin C a day with exercise had done me good but I had a lapse because my chest was killing me. Killing me. My heart hurt as it beat in the middle of the night, I even went to the doctor about it, who claimed it was my posture. Good job, doc, stupid. So I knew it was my weight, even though I am around 110, it's not enough. I had to stop until the Niacinamide came into mind and I'm back eating more, so I'm really grateful about that. I've added 400mg Folic Acid today, and might add some B6 tomorrow.
I don't have a job, I've been way too sick to do it but I need to. My plan is to get working within the month.
Current Script:
1,000 mg daily Vitamin C (For norepenephrine and dopamine production)
50-100mg Niacinamide (For serotonin production, sleep, appetite increase, and sleep)
400mg Folic Acid* (Regulates serotonin, dopamine, and norephineprine)
20 min a day exercise
Stuffing myself with lots more food
Will update, Tata for now.
*Folic Acid generates L-methylfolate with the help of the enzyme MTHFR (Methylentetrahydrofolate reductase). Some people have low MTHFR activity because of a genetic polymorphism (variation) and should use the pre methylated form called Methylfolate for supplementation. Such persons only recover using this type of folate. You can buy Methylfolate vitamins online or at specialty stores.
#methfr mutation #depression #pots syndrome #P.O.T.S. #vitamin #zoloft #celexa #seroqeul #detox #recovery
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Vitamin c for depression
two years ago I discovered the world of orthomolecular medicine and did my first trial run of vitamins for depression and fatigue. My health took such a spiral coming off antidepressants due to serotonin syndrome that I didn't follow through. Today I am 6 months off all psychotropic medications and still dealing with some nasty depression ontop of this P.O.T.S. disease and unwilling to try drugs due to what I've already been through. I'm giving the vitamin c another round. I started a few days ago with 100mg and have worked my way up to 750mg as of today.
I will report my findings. So far I've noticed a bit of improvement but we will see how things progress over the next couple weeks.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Becoming Self Lead
If you are going to discover something new, do it for yourself, because people generally are not going to like you for proving them wrong.
My life has changed drastically in the last two years, and I feel deep down that it was a decision I made in myself, in my own mind and soul, to discover a deeper truth. What I didn't know is how far, in fact, that would take me.
I was around 24 when, from a heartbreak in a long distance relationship, I realized a few things, one that I physically was not doing very well, and that my mind was degenerating, and that I was following people and patterns that kept leading me to destruction. So I started my path of awakening.
The first thing I decided to do was to get off the medication, Seroquel, that I had taken since I was 14 years old. The medication was prescribed to me when I had been put in the hospital for anxiety and failure to eat because of it, along with several other medications from every psychotropic class. It helped me with my anxiety but had extremely lowered my ability to concentrate, killed my drive in life, my focus, and my ability to relate with other people my age on an intellectual level. I was like a sitting duck in every situation, pretty but shallow in my mind, so that I generally built relationships around stronger individuals who could either carry me or who took advantage of me.
Coming off of Seroquel made me have to change to a different and less agitating antidepressant, and I began to feel more emotions and more of my body. I began to age physically and develop mentally, but it was difficult. I sought convential medical treatment but without much help ended up with homeopathic treatment and also tried herbs and teas. I also ventured into the psychic realms and energetic healing. I opened up to many people of all types, doctors, psychologists, therapists, energy healers, christian healers, etc. I kept pushing to break through a barrier of wakefulness until one day I fell into a cataclysm. After upping my antidepressant and taking a homeopathic remedy staphysgria, I developed serotonin syndrome and my body went into shock at 27.
I spent two years trying to get diagnosed, but experienced the inadequacy of our medical world. I was never hospitalized for the serotonin syndrome in a conventional hospital, I did not have insurance and nobody came to save me. I was told by numerous doctors to back on antidepressants and experienced reactions that were so excruciating that I couldn't tolerate it. I was ostracized by most doctors, even highly educated and capable doctors at the Mayo Clinic, for not complying with the antidepressants.
Physically my body was in breakdown, my heartrate unstable, my eyesight diminishing, inability to eat, somatic pain all around my body, reactions to foods I had never had, hot flashes, involuntary muscle spasms, pressure in my head, neuropathy, confusion, insomnia, heat intolerance, intense dehydration, weight loss, nausea, fatigue... the list goes on. I went to the emergency room around 50 times and was never diagnosed at a hospital, but was forced out on many occasions and even told to go to homeless shelters, escorted by a cop, etc. It was a very difficult time.
I was able to get off all medications besides a medication for tachycardia by April 2014. I knew that whatever illness I had would not benefit from the medications, and that my mind needed to be clear to plead my case to the doubtful doctors. I eventually got a diagnosis of POTS syndrome, which has made those around me a bit more confident in my cause towards achieving health. I also tried to rekindle old relationships that I had from the past for some sort of companionship, but above all, safety. None of them worked out.
What did I realize from all this? That the leader I was searching for was myself, and this is a hard thing to recognize for a person who is so used to being lead. My whole life has been spent in the company of doctors and leaders telling me one way to be, and I believed it and it worked in the past but it won't work in the future. All of those leaders left me to become dust when I was lead into a crisis by their own mechanics. And I now find myself with a clear understanding how alone in a way, that we really are. We are alone in the fact that we are bounded by loyalties to institutions and belief systems. And some belief systems are much more positive and healthy to be bonded to than others. But when all those systems fail, and you recognize the fact that they all are illusions, it creates a dissonance inside. Because I know the oneness is my own, in that it's everyone's and it's everybody's right. But it comes from recognizing singularity. In that I am my own, and that I am everybody's all at once. And my mind and my expressions are somewhat just ideas that flow through me and either a person can relate to them or not. They may feel my presence more fully if I were to express something in common with that person, which by no means a negative thing.
The unresolved feelings I have underneath everything is generally anger. Almost as if the entirety of my life has been false, and me in that, is false. So I stand feeling pressure to reduce my understanding to fit in. Socially, in family, in business, sexually, and religion all things feel very superficial to me. I feel mostly like we conform for identity but not meaning, in general, and that the issues and experiences that I have touched upon are too in depth to realize or discuss. People tend to glass over when I tell my story, or ask questions based on knowledge that the ground is not solid. It's very off putting.
So understanding that my experience doesn't need to be validated by another is the first answer, because it's eternally frustrating to have to have someone agree with you on something that only you truly understand. There's nobody to lean on. And now to deal with the loneliness and the anger of that is the deeper issue. Nobody wants to walk with you on a deep level through your own water without a reward. And most heros are only playing a role. So this is the deeper issue that I have to accept. And it makes me want to play less games with people.
Most people are trying to explain their own narrative, they aren't really trying to give you anything of value, they're just running a program. They're explaining something they have heard or they are trying to explain the way they think things should be, but really seeing things for what they are is the part that people rarely do or every learn from. Reality.
I spent a lot of time in meditation, and I had a good flow with it for a long time until I started to open up about my meditations to a Christian counselor and that person demonized my experience. Lack of understanding. This is the loneliness of knowing that you've stepped a littler farther into things with people, you feel generally disappointed that everyone is trying to tell you what is, and that they don't really want to listen to your experience.
So this brings us back to illusions and loneliness. It's lonely outside of the illusion. It truly is. And much more uncomfortable because it brings to the surface all of my impurities. All my subconscious misunderstandings rage outside of boxes and narratives about life. And so I try to find the meaning of it. But it's something only I can find for myself.
My life has changed drastically in the last two years, and I feel deep down that it was a decision I made in myself, in my own mind and soul, to discover a deeper truth. What I didn't know is how far, in fact, that would take me.
I was around 24 when, from a heartbreak in a long distance relationship, I realized a few things, one that I physically was not doing very well, and that my mind was degenerating, and that I was following people and patterns that kept leading me to destruction. So I started my path of awakening.
The first thing I decided to do was to get off the medication, Seroquel, that I had taken since I was 14 years old. The medication was prescribed to me when I had been put in the hospital for anxiety and failure to eat because of it, along with several other medications from every psychotropic class. It helped me with my anxiety but had extremely lowered my ability to concentrate, killed my drive in life, my focus, and my ability to relate with other people my age on an intellectual level. I was like a sitting duck in every situation, pretty but shallow in my mind, so that I generally built relationships around stronger individuals who could either carry me or who took advantage of me.
Coming off of Seroquel made me have to change to a different and less agitating antidepressant, and I began to feel more emotions and more of my body. I began to age physically and develop mentally, but it was difficult. I sought convential medical treatment but without much help ended up with homeopathic treatment and also tried herbs and teas. I also ventured into the psychic realms and energetic healing. I opened up to many people of all types, doctors, psychologists, therapists, energy healers, christian healers, etc. I kept pushing to break through a barrier of wakefulness until one day I fell into a cataclysm. After upping my antidepressant and taking a homeopathic remedy staphysgria, I developed serotonin syndrome and my body went into shock at 27.
I spent two years trying to get diagnosed, but experienced the inadequacy of our medical world. I was never hospitalized for the serotonin syndrome in a conventional hospital, I did not have insurance and nobody came to save me. I was told by numerous doctors to back on antidepressants and experienced reactions that were so excruciating that I couldn't tolerate it. I was ostracized by most doctors, even highly educated and capable doctors at the Mayo Clinic, for not complying with the antidepressants.
Physically my body was in breakdown, my heartrate unstable, my eyesight diminishing, inability to eat, somatic pain all around my body, reactions to foods I had never had, hot flashes, involuntary muscle spasms, pressure in my head, neuropathy, confusion, insomnia, heat intolerance, intense dehydration, weight loss, nausea, fatigue... the list goes on. I went to the emergency room around 50 times and was never diagnosed at a hospital, but was forced out on many occasions and even told to go to homeless shelters, escorted by a cop, etc. It was a very difficult time.
I was able to get off all medications besides a medication for tachycardia by April 2014. I knew that whatever illness I had would not benefit from the medications, and that my mind needed to be clear to plead my case to the doubtful doctors. I eventually got a diagnosis of POTS syndrome, which has made those around me a bit more confident in my cause towards achieving health. I also tried to rekindle old relationships that I had from the past for some sort of companionship, but above all, safety. None of them worked out.
What did I realize from all this? That the leader I was searching for was myself, and this is a hard thing to recognize for a person who is so used to being lead. My whole life has been spent in the company of doctors and leaders telling me one way to be, and I believed it and it worked in the past but it won't work in the future. All of those leaders left me to become dust when I was lead into a crisis by their own mechanics. And I now find myself with a clear understanding how alone in a way, that we really are. We are alone in the fact that we are bounded by loyalties to institutions and belief systems. And some belief systems are much more positive and healthy to be bonded to than others. But when all those systems fail, and you recognize the fact that they all are illusions, it creates a dissonance inside. Because I know the oneness is my own, in that it's everyone's and it's everybody's right. But it comes from recognizing singularity. In that I am my own, and that I am everybody's all at once. And my mind and my expressions are somewhat just ideas that flow through me and either a person can relate to them or not. They may feel my presence more fully if I were to express something in common with that person, which by no means a negative thing.
The unresolved feelings I have underneath everything is generally anger. Almost as if the entirety of my life has been false, and me in that, is false. So I stand feeling pressure to reduce my understanding to fit in. Socially, in family, in business, sexually, and religion all things feel very superficial to me. I feel mostly like we conform for identity but not meaning, in general, and that the issues and experiences that I have touched upon are too in depth to realize or discuss. People tend to glass over when I tell my story, or ask questions based on knowledge that the ground is not solid. It's very off putting.
So understanding that my experience doesn't need to be validated by another is the first answer, because it's eternally frustrating to have to have someone agree with you on something that only you truly understand. There's nobody to lean on. And now to deal with the loneliness and the anger of that is the deeper issue. Nobody wants to walk with you on a deep level through your own water without a reward. And most heros are only playing a role. So this is the deeper issue that I have to accept. And it makes me want to play less games with people.
Most people are trying to explain their own narrative, they aren't really trying to give you anything of value, they're just running a program. They're explaining something they have heard or they are trying to explain the way they think things should be, but really seeing things for what they are is the part that people rarely do or every learn from. Reality.
I spent a lot of time in meditation, and I had a good flow with it for a long time until I started to open up about my meditations to a Christian counselor and that person demonized my experience. Lack of understanding. This is the loneliness of knowing that you've stepped a littler farther into things with people, you feel generally disappointed that everyone is trying to tell you what is, and that they don't really want to listen to your experience.
So this brings us back to illusions and loneliness. It's lonely outside of the illusion. It truly is. And much more uncomfortable because it brings to the surface all of my impurities. All my subconscious misunderstandings rage outside of boxes and narratives about life. And so I try to find the meaning of it. But it's something only I can find for myself.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
What does Love know? The cornerstone of Christian Reason
Love knows that the cost of redemption is Love. It knows that a situation can't be healed, or escaped through leverage, or by force, because the donor (human being) has nothing to donate, nothing to hoister up on its lever. The individual is out of power.
In Christ Jesus, our freedom has already been won, it has already been bought, with the blood and sacrifice of our savior. He fills the void for our iniquities with his perfect Love. The wisdom of Jesus's Love is that the solution must be received first before it can be freely given. This is transformation. As Christians, we accept first. We take what money can't buy, because money speaks of earnings. We have nothing to offer Christ equally so he takes a chance on us. To Accept Jesus is to truly accept in our deepest depravities and challenges that we are Changed. That is our offering, the blessing we receive through belief and character, that sins are forgiven with the recognition of his donation (into the lot of the human economy).
As we believe and declare such a message, which is radical in the realm of religion and lawfulness, we discover new meaning in our lives, a new happiness. The meaning is to accept the challenge of becoming the image and likeness of (god) such revelation. That having received, we have something to give, and that is freely acting without (the need for) compensation.
This is the light that shines in Christian people, the servitude that corrects the tide of world debt, of poverty in mind, body and spirit. This is redemption, the Truth, and the sword of the spirit, that rises up as the goal in our own understanding in daily living.
Further Discussion:
Christians forgive. It's a basic necessity for Christian service, as well as Christian reward. The prize is God's peace, and it can't be experienced without practicing this key element. Forgiveness. Not because you have leverage or worthiness or gold or silver to forgive or repay one's debt, but because Jesus Made you worthy by repaying your inequities with his blood, therefore making you gold. When we face the world's reality, it most likely won't reflect the reality of the gold within ourselves. Outside, things may look bleak, so we must dig deep through the clutter and distress to recall the treasure within ourselves. That is the key element, the foundational strength, the cornerstone of Christian Living and service.
Today, and always, I will practice forgiveness, non-retaliation in the face of other people's judgement. I will not be taken with the tide. I am free by forgiving before I speak, before I act. My movement is a decision to turn to the the peace of Christ, and win.
Today, and always, I will practice forgiveness.
peace
unlawfulness
service to Christ
"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." -Matthew 6:14-15
"You have heard it was said, 'an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth'. But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right check, offer the left cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand him your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." -Matthew 5:38-42
"So that, seeing they may not perceive, and hearing they should not understand, lest they turn to Me, and be forgiven (healed)."-Mark 4:12
In Christ Jesus, our freedom has already been won, it has already been bought, with the blood and sacrifice of our savior. He fills the void for our iniquities with his perfect Love. The wisdom of Jesus's Love is that the solution must be received first before it can be freely given. This is transformation. As Christians, we accept first. We take what money can't buy, because money speaks of earnings. We have nothing to offer Christ equally so he takes a chance on us. To Accept Jesus is to truly accept in our deepest depravities and challenges that we are Changed. That is our offering, the blessing we receive through belief and character, that sins are forgiven with the recognition of his donation (into the lot of the human economy).
As we believe and declare such a message, which is radical in the realm of religion and lawfulness, we discover new meaning in our lives, a new happiness. The meaning is to accept the challenge of becoming the image and likeness of (god) such revelation. That having received, we have something to give, and that is freely acting without (the need for) compensation.
This is the light that shines in Christian people, the servitude that corrects the tide of world debt, of poverty in mind, body and spirit. This is redemption, the Truth, and the sword of the spirit, that rises up as the goal in our own understanding in daily living.
Further Discussion:
Christians forgive. It's a basic necessity for Christian service, as well as Christian reward. The prize is God's peace, and it can't be experienced without practicing this key element. Forgiveness. Not because you have leverage or worthiness or gold or silver to forgive or repay one's debt, but because Jesus Made you worthy by repaying your inequities with his blood, therefore making you gold. When we face the world's reality, it most likely won't reflect the reality of the gold within ourselves. Outside, things may look bleak, so we must dig deep through the clutter and distress to recall the treasure within ourselves. That is the key element, the foundational strength, the cornerstone of Christian Living and service.
Today, and always, I will practice forgiveness, non-retaliation in the face of other people's judgement. I will not be taken with the tide. I am free by forgiving before I speak, before I act. My movement is a decision to turn to the the peace of Christ, and win.
Today, and always, I will practice forgiveness.
peace
unlawfulness
service to Christ
"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." -Matthew 6:14-15
"You have heard it was said, 'an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth'. But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right check, offer the left cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand him your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." -Matthew 5:38-42
"So that, seeing they may not perceive, and hearing they should not understand, lest they turn to Me, and be forgiven (healed)."-Mark 4:12
Friday, June 27, 2014
Sacred heart
Todays mass on the sacred heart. The priedt asks us why are we so mean to ourselves? Who would jesus be mean to? Nobody. So why do we beat ourselves up when we need jesus the most? He would not. That the depth our self hatred is not pride but punishment, often because of overly strict childhood conditions.
Every matter is a matter of the heart.
When we hurt is when we need god the most. I do this because I think god is punishing me when things go wrong so i have to run. This priest said that even if pain is caused by a mistake, that maybe we made it because we had to. Because mistakes are the way we gain the wisdom we don't already have. So we should be open to the wisdom and blessings of trials in our lives.
Blessed are the poor, the weak, those who mourn.
You are the salt of the earth, if the salt loses its flavor, how will it be seasoned?
Saturday, May 24, 2014
The Beautiful and Solid Truth
I am breaking free from the illusion of separation. Nothing has caused me greater suffering than this idea. The idea of self sufficiency is such a trap. The idea that I have to figure everything out on my own, accept no help from others, become the creator, dictator, and the experiencer all in one. What a horrible reality. Tyranny. The idea that I have to be the best and prove it. An identity found in self declaration. We have managed to turn ourselves inside out.
I am part of a web, and there are many of us. There is life in everything. Everything moves towards integration and oneness. The reason why you feel so terrible when you are alone is because you are love, and love is about the relationship between things. You are designed to be connected. And you are connected, whether you try to cut yourself of from that reality or not. How does an artist discover the art or the musician the music? They tap into what is already there. They recognize what's inside and outside and they allow it to flow through themselves. They realize there's no destination so they just go with it. The let it stop and start wherever it needs to, because there's no need for control. Control is an illusion. Control stops the movement. Control is a snapshot of a moving reality. Once you take the picture, it's no longer the truth, because the truth has changed, it's moved forward, and if you spend too much time looking at that snapshot of perfection or rightness or whatever, you miss what's happening, what's evolving, and you move further and further away from the truth. Because the truth moves away from you, and you are stuck back there with the picture of then.
The spirit is always moving. And so are we. And the images and the pictures, they distract. They aren't so good for us. They keep us away from the NAU. Or the now. It's hard to learn this, these days. Because we're so fragmented. We see the truth from one picture and we say "oh there it is" and then again in another and say "oh there it is" and we try to understand the truth by collecting snapshots of it, never recognizing that the truth is within and around us and moving all the time. We try to hold it in our minds alone, when it's in everything, and must be experienced as a complete whole. We are already this way when we are children, we just are. We are free.
The fragmented mind is an uncomfortable thing. The mind in the One or the Living One is life. Learning to stay in the One is the skill that each of us is learning to master. We are all awakening to this reality beneath and preceding the illusion we have built up collectively that is making us so unhappy. It brings me great peace to know that after the breakdown is the discovery of beautiful and solid truth.
I am part of a web, and there are many of us. There is life in everything. Everything moves towards integration and oneness. The reason why you feel so terrible when you are alone is because you are love, and love is about the relationship between things. You are designed to be connected. And you are connected, whether you try to cut yourself of from that reality or not. How does an artist discover the art or the musician the music? They tap into what is already there. They recognize what's inside and outside and they allow it to flow through themselves. They realize there's no destination so they just go with it. The let it stop and start wherever it needs to, because there's no need for control. Control is an illusion. Control stops the movement. Control is a snapshot of a moving reality. Once you take the picture, it's no longer the truth, because the truth has changed, it's moved forward, and if you spend too much time looking at that snapshot of perfection or rightness or whatever, you miss what's happening, what's evolving, and you move further and further away from the truth. Because the truth moves away from you, and you are stuck back there with the picture of then.
The spirit is always moving. And so are we. And the images and the pictures, they distract. They aren't so good for us. They keep us away from the NAU. Or the now. It's hard to learn this, these days. Because we're so fragmented. We see the truth from one picture and we say "oh there it is" and then again in another and say "oh there it is" and we try to understand the truth by collecting snapshots of it, never recognizing that the truth is within and around us and moving all the time. We try to hold it in our minds alone, when it's in everything, and must be experienced as a complete whole. We are already this way when we are children, we just are. We are free.
The fragmented mind is an uncomfortable thing. The mind in the One or the Living One is life. Learning to stay in the One is the skill that each of us is learning to master. We are all awakening to this reality beneath and preceding the illusion we have built up collectively that is making us so unhappy. It brings me great peace to know that after the breakdown is the discovery of beautiful and solid truth.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
God is Our Taproot
The kingdom won't come by saying "look there it is, or look, here it is."
The kingdom is inside of you and outside of you.
When you know yourself you will be known,
and you will know that you are a child of the Living One.
-Yeshua
From the Gospel of Thomas, Logion 3 and 22
Duality
There is the two, that create our reality. You can call it the male and the female, as Jesus does in his creation story.
God is in everything, every piece of our material world, and in the world between.
The physical world is male, and The other world, or space, is female.
The male world is agreed upon, it's the part that manifests. The female world, or space, is full of infinite possibilities. As possibilities are decided or agreed upon, they are made manifest.
Spirituality is the movement between the two worlds. It's the unifying force. And it unifies everything, but lends itself to each unique situation. This is the creativity of the universe.
Jesus was spirit incarnate. He saw the truth and was able to speak of it.
The human mind is a great manipulator. We are brought into all knowledge without knowing that we are all knowledge, and so we unknowingly store that knowledge in the two separate arenas in order to adapt. We adapt down, essentially. A baby comes in seeing and perceiving everything. The brain picks up millions of bits of information per second. But it's too much sensory overload for the not fully developed infant brain, and it's unfocused information, so the brain starts to pick and chose which parts of reality it's going to process unconsciously and which parts it's going to bring into consciousness to deal with. It usually moves into practical things like recognizing people's faces, the physical world, emotional bonds, etc. So it's still coming in, we just don't know it. Trauma focuses our world down considerably.
This is why: "an elder will not hesitate to ask a child 7 days of age (1 day before circumcision) about the place of life, and he will live."
The baby is already in the place of life. That's what it's like when we are heaven. Just... pure spirit, no need for a body, just knowing and being held in god's love and reality. And god rules all, I would imagine.
I don't know why we come into physical body, but we are designed to integrate our awareness into the conscious mind once we are fully developed and matured. And as far as the spiritual path goes, it's a process of individuation. We come in completely dependent on god, and full of him/her. But we can't walk here with all that, in the body, yet. We have to adapt down, and work on smaller challenges, overcome them and then integrate the knowledge of both the unconscious and conscious mind into our awareness. And the more dysfunction we have faced, the harder that can be. I guess it's called sin, those things that keep us from wanting to know the truth. Sin makes us self condemn, so we hide from ourselves. But Jesus teaches it's exactly what we're here to do. We are here to come to know ourselves, to face ourselves, and to love ourselves.
"When you know yourself you will be known, and you will know that you are a child of the Living One."
When you manage to hold all these things in your awareness, then you start to resonate differently. And everything around you becomes alive. This is a difficult thing. Especially if you've hidden things within yourself, as we all have and we all do. This is why Jesus forgives, so that we may face these things and move forward. But it's also why he pointed out so many of people's flaws, because those that were unwilling to look at themselves were the most arrogant, and often held the higest positions of power, but were out of touch with their hidden selves. So those who knew they had made mistakes, and asked for forgiveness, were open to seeing and being seen, were forgiven, or relieved of their difficulties. Why is this so? Because we all make mistakes. We are all sinners. Every one of us. And we can't judge eachother. When we start to judge others, we lose our focus of those things that we need to bring to the light in ourselves.
So we must understand that we are trying to move into a state of constant awareness. As things pop up in us that are out of God's will (if you will) then we must be aware of them. Awareness changes them. Awareness allows god into it. You can't be forgiven, or relieved of your difficulities, until you know what they are. Because God is yoking you. He is turning you into the one with the knowing. He is letting us grow up. So if you ask for forgiveness, you are likely to be shown what you've done wrong. But don't be discouraged. Be grateful, because God loves you so much that just seeing it and facing it and recognizing it for what it is, it changes. God lets you change, over and over and over again. Because that's what we're here to do. And how can you learn about it unless you make manifest your difficulties in this reality? You came here to learn to know yourself.
See, where we end, God begins, and we become one with God. People come to the end of their power to find that there is something beyond, something grater. This is where we find a new power. There is beauty in the breakdown. This is why it is a blessing to recognize your limitations:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth (rule over all).
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your treasure in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
Jesus, Matthew 5
So theres'a lot of messages in this. But one is to recognize is that when we come to god, we won't be popular. We're probably going to be outcasted at that point, we basically will have fallen out of favor with a large part of the world. And that's ok. Because the world at times, is trying to hide from itself. It hides from even the fact that we die, we're obsessed with youth. The world we've created does not so much reflect who we are, as who we think we should be, and it's a shame because who we are is infinitely better and more fulfilling and beautiful.
So when you come to the end of yourself, know you're about to pick up something grater. Being stripped down to your essential self is a gift, though we all try to avoid it. Why wouldn't we, it's what we've been taught our entire lives? But that's ok, we change. We start to recognize the truth. This is true maturation. This is coming to the spiritual path. Lives change when we come to this. When we become this, we accept it, we get a whole new world. And we don't stay in poverty, we don't stay sick. Reading on we find that Jesus promises new material crap to serve us. But we must always be willing to give it all up, and never rely on it. Always rely on the taproot that is God. Because through God, all things are made manifest as we need them, and we don't have to focus on it or worry about it.
The kingdom is inside of you and outside of you.
When you know yourself you will be known,
and you will know that you are a child of the Living One.
-Yeshua
From the Gospel of Thomas, Logion 3 and 22
Duality
There is the two, that create our reality. You can call it the male and the female, as Jesus does in his creation story.
God is in everything, every piece of our material world, and in the world between.
The physical world is male, and The other world, or space, is female.
The male world is agreed upon, it's the part that manifests. The female world, or space, is full of infinite possibilities. As possibilities are decided or agreed upon, they are made manifest.
Spirituality is the movement between the two worlds. It's the unifying force. And it unifies everything, but lends itself to each unique situation. This is the creativity of the universe.
Jesus was spirit incarnate. He saw the truth and was able to speak of it.
The human mind is a great manipulator. We are brought into all knowledge without knowing that we are all knowledge, and so we unknowingly store that knowledge in the two separate arenas in order to adapt. We adapt down, essentially. A baby comes in seeing and perceiving everything. The brain picks up millions of bits of information per second. But it's too much sensory overload for the not fully developed infant brain, and it's unfocused information, so the brain starts to pick and chose which parts of reality it's going to process unconsciously and which parts it's going to bring into consciousness to deal with. It usually moves into practical things like recognizing people's faces, the physical world, emotional bonds, etc. So it's still coming in, we just don't know it. Trauma focuses our world down considerably.
This is why: "an elder will not hesitate to ask a child 7 days of age (1 day before circumcision) about the place of life, and he will live."
The baby is already in the place of life. That's what it's like when we are heaven. Just... pure spirit, no need for a body, just knowing and being held in god's love and reality. And god rules all, I would imagine.
I don't know why we come into physical body, but we are designed to integrate our awareness into the conscious mind once we are fully developed and matured. And as far as the spiritual path goes, it's a process of individuation. We come in completely dependent on god, and full of him/her. But we can't walk here with all that, in the body, yet. We have to adapt down, and work on smaller challenges, overcome them and then integrate the knowledge of both the unconscious and conscious mind into our awareness. And the more dysfunction we have faced, the harder that can be. I guess it's called sin, those things that keep us from wanting to know the truth. Sin makes us self condemn, so we hide from ourselves. But Jesus teaches it's exactly what we're here to do. We are here to come to know ourselves, to face ourselves, and to love ourselves.
"When you know yourself you will be known, and you will know that you are a child of the Living One."
When you manage to hold all these things in your awareness, then you start to resonate differently. And everything around you becomes alive. This is a difficult thing. Especially if you've hidden things within yourself, as we all have and we all do. This is why Jesus forgives, so that we may face these things and move forward. But it's also why he pointed out so many of people's flaws, because those that were unwilling to look at themselves were the most arrogant, and often held the higest positions of power, but were out of touch with their hidden selves. So those who knew they had made mistakes, and asked for forgiveness, were open to seeing and being seen, were forgiven, or relieved of their difficulties. Why is this so? Because we all make mistakes. We are all sinners. Every one of us. And we can't judge eachother. When we start to judge others, we lose our focus of those things that we need to bring to the light in ourselves.
So we must understand that we are trying to move into a state of constant awareness. As things pop up in us that are out of God's will (if you will) then we must be aware of them. Awareness changes them. Awareness allows god into it. You can't be forgiven, or relieved of your difficulities, until you know what they are. Because God is yoking you. He is turning you into the one with the knowing. He is letting us grow up. So if you ask for forgiveness, you are likely to be shown what you've done wrong. But don't be discouraged. Be grateful, because God loves you so much that just seeing it and facing it and recognizing it for what it is, it changes. God lets you change, over and over and over again. Because that's what we're here to do. And how can you learn about it unless you make manifest your difficulties in this reality? You came here to learn to know yourself.
See, where we end, God begins, and we become one with God. People come to the end of their power to find that there is something beyond, something grater. This is where we find a new power. There is beauty in the breakdown. This is why it is a blessing to recognize your limitations:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth (rule over all).
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your treasure in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
Jesus, Matthew 5
So theres'a lot of messages in this. But one is to recognize is that when we come to god, we won't be popular. We're probably going to be outcasted at that point, we basically will have fallen out of favor with a large part of the world. And that's ok. Because the world at times, is trying to hide from itself. It hides from even the fact that we die, we're obsessed with youth. The world we've created does not so much reflect who we are, as who we think we should be, and it's a shame because who we are is infinitely better and more fulfilling and beautiful.
So when you come to the end of yourself, know you're about to pick up something grater. Being stripped down to your essential self is a gift, though we all try to avoid it. Why wouldn't we, it's what we've been taught our entire lives? But that's ok, we change. We start to recognize the truth. This is true maturation. This is coming to the spiritual path. Lives change when we come to this. When we become this, we accept it, we get a whole new world. And we don't stay in poverty, we don't stay sick. Reading on we find that Jesus promises new material crap to serve us. But we must always be willing to give it all up, and never rely on it. Always rely on the taproot that is God. Because through God, all things are made manifest as we need them, and we don't have to focus on it or worry about it.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
The Crucifixion
I think, in the archetypal sense, the cross serves to validate a certain part of self that we morn over. The part of self that believes in love, equality, non judgement, and speaks the truth that gets shut down by the world. Our highest selves, crucified, by pride, greed, religion, and politics. We at least find... some sort solace in the outward recognition of that internal suffering. Further than that, I haven't gotten.
I think that it's safe to assume, that since the Jews killed Christ, who was a Jew, that if Christ were to come again, he would most likely be killed again by his own religion, now the Christians, that is, if Christians can't understand and correct the false spiritual principles that were being practiced by the Jews that killed Christ in the first place.
Prayer of Devotion
God and jesus, I ask that you be the master of my soul. I ask that I never be allowed to exceed the boundary of your covenant. No matter the blindness of my intent, I pray that you contain my existence in your will.
Because your knowledge is fuller. Your love is wider. And your plan for me more complete.
Keep the world off of me lord, that I may neither be satisfied or disappointed by the impermanent things of this place. Foster the transcendent space within me that I may be an instrument to shine light on the world.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Walking in the Dark, The Two Beasts, and Christian Gnosticism
Me and my friend have had two very similar dreams in the past couple days. Interestingly, it is holy week, and there are a series of very intense eclipses happening that are thought to bring things into awareness, especially dark forces or parts of self.
My friend said he had a dream that Yeshua came back in our time, and people did not recognize him, and tried to kill him. This doesn't surprise me, it's exactly what happened in his time. He was God, or Truth, incarnate, and nobody could recognize him as so, because they served a very different truth. In Christian Gnosticism, Jesus tells a creation story that describes the creator of this world, named Yaldoblith. He was the third of three gods, there is God the Father, who created God the Mother, or Sophia (meaning wisdom). Yaldoblith was created by Sophia without God the Father's knowledge (sound a bit like Eve eating the apple in the garden of Eden?) and created this demented creator. He created the Earth, and didn't want the angels or its inhabitants to have knowledge of the true God above him, lest he might lose his power. That's why Jesus was sent into the world, to "cast out the ruler of this world", and to show us the true way back to the kingdom.
Christian Gnosticism means Christian knowledge. Gnosis is the common Greek noun for knowledge. To have gnosis is to have knowledge, and to be a Christian Gnostic is to know and embody the teachings and wisdom (or knowledge) brought to us by Jesus Christ.
One of my own experiences with Christ was about 3 months ago. I began reading a Bible that was given to my parents by one of our neighbors who knew I had been struggling for a long time. I had a very hard time reading it with comfort. I had grown extremely suspect of the church, for some valid, and some not so valid reasons. When I was younger, and happier, I leaned into the church with comfort and ease, and reading again reminded me of that time. I realized how unable I was to trust anymore, as my crisis had become existential at it's core, so I began to pray. I closed my eyes and I could feel and see Jesus sitting on the bed next to me. I knew it was him because his presence feels like the presence of thousands of people. I believe this is his consciousness in those who accept him. There is indeed a body of Christ. The other way I knew it was him was the open wide nature of his presence, as well as the deep knowledge associated it and the pure love. It was like seeing the person you had been missing your whole life, like everything made sense, and I knew everything I need to know in this bright white presence.
When I continued to pray after that, I didn't always get that experience. It took me a while to realize that it's because Jesus yokes us. He shows up on our path to give us just the amount of direction we need to find our way, and to get back on the path. He teaches us how to walk in the dark, until we learn to foster the light within ourselves. "You are the light of the world."
Yesterday I had my own dream. I saw two beasts and they were surprisingly vocal about their purpose and place. They said they were looking for christ inside me, and were there to kill it. They looked like javelinas with hedgehog backs. I realize that sounds really weird, it's just the visual I received.
This is a central theme in Christianity, that parts of ourselves do not wish to recognize Christ, because Christ reveals the truth, and that means the whole truth, even in us. If we don't want to see the things inside ourselves that cover our light, we try to squash him. Christ is truth. "I am the truth the way and the life."
I felt really strongly yesterday that those two beasts were fear. When I brought it to my friend, he felt that they were fear and anger. I think he may be right. I am asking christ to help me defeat these creatures in myself. They are very strong with the illness I am experiencing. I know that he already has made it so.
My friend said he had a dream that Yeshua came back in our time, and people did not recognize him, and tried to kill him. This doesn't surprise me, it's exactly what happened in his time. He was God, or Truth, incarnate, and nobody could recognize him as so, because they served a very different truth. In Christian Gnosticism, Jesus tells a creation story that describes the creator of this world, named Yaldoblith. He was the third of three gods, there is God the Father, who created God the Mother, or Sophia (meaning wisdom). Yaldoblith was created by Sophia without God the Father's knowledge (sound a bit like Eve eating the apple in the garden of Eden?) and created this demented creator. He created the Earth, and didn't want the angels or its inhabitants to have knowledge of the true God above him, lest he might lose his power. That's why Jesus was sent into the world, to "cast out the ruler of this world", and to show us the true way back to the kingdom.
Christian Gnosticism means Christian knowledge. Gnosis is the common Greek noun for knowledge. To have gnosis is to have knowledge, and to be a Christian Gnostic is to know and embody the teachings and wisdom (or knowledge) brought to us by Jesus Christ.
One of my own experiences with Christ was about 3 months ago. I began reading a Bible that was given to my parents by one of our neighbors who knew I had been struggling for a long time. I had a very hard time reading it with comfort. I had grown extremely suspect of the church, for some valid, and some not so valid reasons. When I was younger, and happier, I leaned into the church with comfort and ease, and reading again reminded me of that time. I realized how unable I was to trust anymore, as my crisis had become existential at it's core, so I began to pray. I closed my eyes and I could feel and see Jesus sitting on the bed next to me. I knew it was him because his presence feels like the presence of thousands of people. I believe this is his consciousness in those who accept him. There is indeed a body of Christ. The other way I knew it was him was the open wide nature of his presence, as well as the deep knowledge associated it and the pure love. It was like seeing the person you had been missing your whole life, like everything made sense, and I knew everything I need to know in this bright white presence.
When I continued to pray after that, I didn't always get that experience. It took me a while to realize that it's because Jesus yokes us. He shows up on our path to give us just the amount of direction we need to find our way, and to get back on the path. He teaches us how to walk in the dark, until we learn to foster the light within ourselves. "You are the light of the world."
Yesterday I had my own dream. I saw two beasts and they were surprisingly vocal about their purpose and place. They said they were looking for christ inside me, and were there to kill it. They looked like javelinas with hedgehog backs. I realize that sounds really weird, it's just the visual I received.
This is a central theme in Christianity, that parts of ourselves do not wish to recognize Christ, because Christ reveals the truth, and that means the whole truth, even in us. If we don't want to see the things inside ourselves that cover our light, we try to squash him. Christ is truth. "I am the truth the way and the life."
I felt really strongly yesterday that those two beasts were fear. When I brought it to my friend, he felt that they were fear and anger. I think he may be right. I am asking christ to help me defeat these creatures in myself. They are very strong with the illness I am experiencing. I know that he already has made it so.
Benzo withdrawal second wave
I quit valium after going on and off 13 months on April 1st. Been doing really well but hit a big wave last night. Im finding that it goes up and down. The best medicine is talking to calm people. That and distracting myself with something to do or work on. Putting my energy towards something. Waves rise and fall throughout the day. It feels like trying to fit my whole soul through a very tight space. Everything kind of freezes. For this reason, a little bit of movement is also helpful. I'm grateful when things open back up.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The Bridal Chamber
After my "rebirth", I have been really struggling to maintain that expanded consciousness. It's not an easy thing to do. Jesus speaks of entering the bridal chamber, that you have to be simple and alone to do it. I believe that. I am starting to understand it a little bit better.
The bridal chamber is that place I blogged about before, the place that is expansive. When we are led there, it's like we have room again. We are in a place where we can take root, and our spirit can grow. We ultimately, spiritually, from how I'm seeing it, have to go through a two part process. The first is to let go of the things that weigh us down. We have to somehow give it up. I have had some success with this through prayer and crying. It works, really well. But I have to dig deep to get the crap out. After I've cleared away the nonsense, I move into the expansive place. This is the marriage between me and god. In my mind's eye, it's always a field. A big open field. And god is the light, the earth is god too, we are the seed and we are able to receive god's support, god's love, god's insight, and god's time and space. I now how room to grow. So we grow, in this light we grow and then we blossom, we become "trees that house the birds of heaven." We become our true selves, we fulfill our purpose. We find our unique calling that God has for us, and it isn't narrow. It's really expansive, it's more expansive than what we had before. I know that "god's will" becomes a block because we think god will want for us, may be what a lot of narrow religious people wanted for us. But that's not it. God really has the fulfillment of dreams and your deepest longings in mind. God put those seeds in you so that they would grow.
In the bridal chamber, we discover our purpose. And that purpose is always something that fills us up so much, that we are overflowing and we give back. It's not giving in the worldly sense, it's a whole different kind of fulfillment. It's being so full, so joyous, and so clear that we have nothing left to do but to give of it. We have too much for just ourselves. We become the light of the world, to shine on all people. It's not a tense thing, it's not a selfless thing. It's a matter of fulfillment.
I struggle every day to get into the "bridal chamber" or the open field. I have spent weeks without it since my experience in my mother's arms. I suspect I will come in and out of this place over and over. I don't think we arrive and are just "in". It does not work like that. I get kicked out of the bridal chamber, right quick, but it's not by god, it's by me. It's by the things I put on that I let feed off me, and keep me from being "simple". The irony is, once I can enter in simply, I become more expansive, so the simplicity isn't like a constant state. It's just you can't cross the bridge with too much "baggage." I really hate the word baggage, because baggage is often the best conduit to recognizing your true self. I find that chasing my pain helps me to enter into the bridal chamber. I'm still not sure how that's working. So don't be afraid of your baggage. Just be afraid of being in a lie. I think that's a much more important to recognize.
In love.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Chose Life: The Original Self, and Zombies
There is a thread of truth that all spiritual masters touch on. And that's the pureness and the goodness of the original self. The idea is that you are the light of the world, and that light shines from within you. It comes from God, but it is you, you in the likeness and image of God.
The light within you is love, you can remember it if you can recall the expansive nature of being a child. As an adult it's not about getting or understanding something that brings us back to our original self, it's about un-getting, or unlearning. We start to build up layers, defense mechanisms, addictions, wrong beliefs, etc, that cover our light. And our light connects with other people's light, and the light of the planet and the ethers. When our own light dims, we lose the connection between god and others, and these universal energies. We start looking for it outside ourselves, forgetting that the receiving end of the light comes from within, and we've severed the connection.
What's integral to any successful spiritual practice is to have some way to start breaking down those barriers, so we can reestablish a connection. So we aren't alone in our own cave of consciousness, anymore. The true cause of suffering, in my very humble opinion, is separation. It's loneliness. Take it from someone who spent 14 years under a rock. Nothing more lonely than that.
So this is the hardest part. The only solvents for these barriers are loving, compassionate, playful, creative, and childlike. We have to find ways to fall in love again. Stories matter, and we can't thrive off the idea that hardness is wholeness. We have to believe in everyone's goodness, in beauty, in revival. All the things we threw off and discarded as we made our way into our adulthood as childish are usually the things that will set us free.
If you weren't love to your core, if you weren't a part of god and of great worth, then you wouldn't get extremely sick and depressed when you are cut off from it. That's the proof of who you are and where you belong right there. An infant left alone, untouched, eventually dies. It's because we are meant to be connected. We're part of a web. And the adult heart is much the same. The adult body may endure, but there are a lot of walking dead out there, seeking out and feeling the need for a tremendous amount of power outside of themselves. The most power hungry people are the most removed from their true selves, and the power of the light that shines within it.
Being a person who's light is covered is a dead person walking. This is where the idea of new life comes from. It's from getting free from those layers, being alive again. When your light is covered, it effects your perception. The world looks very different. You don't see people anymore, you see and judge people by their outer shells. You start counting people's worth by how thick and well crafted their outer shell is. And you miss the living. You become attracted to the most shut down individuals. And you may even become cruel and judgmental of souls who are still free. You create more division. This is why "judge not or you will be judged." As you shut down the light in others, you shut down the very connection you have been searching for to set you free.
So the antidote? Give into love. It's not easy, in fact, it's the very hardest thing to do. Giving into love takes courage. It means not serving the ego. It means being brave enough to not listen to the heckling zombies who want you playing an endless game, dead just like them. It means being brave enough to find connection. It means being exposed. It means giving into your authentic self. It means that we are all worthy of love, and it means giving up the competition.
It also means, finding yourself, and finding rest. It means walking into a more expansive atmosphere. It means ascending above the bullshit, it means true individuization. It means gaining the capacity to hear and see God, it means having a new inflow of energy and creative inspiration, it means becoming a hero.
There are two worlds on this planet, and that's the tension you have been feeling. There's the world of the dead, and the world of the living. From each vantage point, reality looks different. The rules are different, and so are the rewards. It's a choice between opening inward, or outward, and nobody, no matter what religion, sex, educational status, race, or monetary status is exempt from making their choice. We chose every day.
Chose life.
The light within you is love, you can remember it if you can recall the expansive nature of being a child. As an adult it's not about getting or understanding something that brings us back to our original self, it's about un-getting, or unlearning. We start to build up layers, defense mechanisms, addictions, wrong beliefs, etc, that cover our light. And our light connects with other people's light, and the light of the planet and the ethers. When our own light dims, we lose the connection between god and others, and these universal energies. We start looking for it outside ourselves, forgetting that the receiving end of the light comes from within, and we've severed the connection.
What's integral to any successful spiritual practice is to have some way to start breaking down those barriers, so we can reestablish a connection. So we aren't alone in our own cave of consciousness, anymore. The true cause of suffering, in my very humble opinion, is separation. It's loneliness. Take it from someone who spent 14 years under a rock. Nothing more lonely than that.
So this is the hardest part. The only solvents for these barriers are loving, compassionate, playful, creative, and childlike. We have to find ways to fall in love again. Stories matter, and we can't thrive off the idea that hardness is wholeness. We have to believe in everyone's goodness, in beauty, in revival. All the things we threw off and discarded as we made our way into our adulthood as childish are usually the things that will set us free.
If you weren't love to your core, if you weren't a part of god and of great worth, then you wouldn't get extremely sick and depressed when you are cut off from it. That's the proof of who you are and where you belong right there. An infant left alone, untouched, eventually dies. It's because we are meant to be connected. We're part of a web. And the adult heart is much the same. The adult body may endure, but there are a lot of walking dead out there, seeking out and feeling the need for a tremendous amount of power outside of themselves. The most power hungry people are the most removed from their true selves, and the power of the light that shines within it.
Being a person who's light is covered is a dead person walking. This is where the idea of new life comes from. It's from getting free from those layers, being alive again. When your light is covered, it effects your perception. The world looks very different. You don't see people anymore, you see and judge people by their outer shells. You start counting people's worth by how thick and well crafted their outer shell is. And you miss the living. You become attracted to the most shut down individuals. And you may even become cruel and judgmental of souls who are still free. You create more division. This is why "judge not or you will be judged." As you shut down the light in others, you shut down the very connection you have been searching for to set you free.
So the antidote? Give into love. It's not easy, in fact, it's the very hardest thing to do. Giving into love takes courage. It means not serving the ego. It means being brave enough to not listen to the heckling zombies who want you playing an endless game, dead just like them. It means being brave enough to find connection. It means being exposed. It means giving into your authentic self. It means that we are all worthy of love, and it means giving up the competition.
It also means, finding yourself, and finding rest. It means walking into a more expansive atmosphere. It means ascending above the bullshit, it means true individuization. It means gaining the capacity to hear and see God, it means having a new inflow of energy and creative inspiration, it means becoming a hero.
There are two worlds on this planet, and that's the tension you have been feeling. There's the world of the dead, and the world of the living. From each vantage point, reality looks different. The rules are different, and so are the rewards. It's a choice between opening inward, or outward, and nobody, no matter what religion, sex, educational status, race, or monetary status is exempt from making their choice. We chose every day.
Chose life.
Healing crisis: Organic Compunds and Detoxing from Antidepressants and Benzodiazepines
So one of my favorite gifts of detox from antidepressants and benzodiazepines is that you get the joy of getting sick from everything that is healthy for you. And the subsequent freak out that accompanies it.
So what's happened is that my body has stored up so much crap from taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabalizers, that it all now gets to be released into my bloodstream for detoxification. Organic and raw compounds have little keys in them. They bind to toxins, they unlock metabolic processes and come alongside our own body's efforts to get a job done. They speed up the healing process.
Why does this suck? Because it means that every time I eat a raspberry or anything raw, vegetable or fruit, my body releases toxins into my blood stream and I get sick. SUPER SICK. I develop rashes on my face and in my nose, my skin itches, my scalp itches, my eyes hurt, I become nauseous, fatigued, and moody. I am far from zen.
It has taken me a long time to wrap my head around what the hell is going on. The thought still creeps in my head that I am allergic to all healthy foods, or that I have candida.
Detox is like sitting on a geyser that's waiting to blow, 24/7. I'm still figuring out how to kindly and slowly let off this crap. The best I've done so far is to stay away from junk foods, drinking lots of filtered water, resting, grounding (don't judge), crying (again!), and lots of cooked vegetables. Organic is obvious, and I can't eat at any restaurants without getting sick. I get to live in a bubble.
So what's happened is that my body has stored up so much crap from taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabalizers, that it all now gets to be released into my bloodstream for detoxification. Organic and raw compounds have little keys in them. They bind to toxins, they unlock metabolic processes and come alongside our own body's efforts to get a job done. They speed up the healing process.
Why does this suck? Because it means that every time I eat a raspberry or anything raw, vegetable or fruit, my body releases toxins into my blood stream and I get sick. SUPER SICK. I develop rashes on my face and in my nose, my skin itches, my scalp itches, my eyes hurt, I become nauseous, fatigued, and moody. I am far from zen.
It has taken me a long time to wrap my head around what the hell is going on. The thought still creeps in my head that I am allergic to all healthy foods, or that I have candida.
Detox is like sitting on a geyser that's waiting to blow, 24/7. I'm still figuring out how to kindly and slowly let off this crap. The best I've done so far is to stay away from junk foods, drinking lots of filtered water, resting, grounding (don't judge), crying (again!), and lots of cooked vegetables. Organic is obvious, and I can't eat at any restaurants without getting sick. I get to live in a bubble.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
The Lord's Prayer
God of us all,
who dwells in the sacred place,
your name is pure love.
May your reality arise in and around us,
may your will have power among us,
and the ways of heaven be manifest on Earth.
Sustain us in all ways as we walk our sacred paths,
And give us forgiving hearts, that worldly standards may not guide us into an empty and divided spaces.
Give us eyes to see the traps that bind our souls,
and if we ever are to become lost or enslaved,
keep close and lead us safely back to you.
Amen
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Let Your Presence Be Known
I stopped Valium and Remeron the night before the first of March. I knew it was time. The days leading up to this breakthrough were tough. I was very sick, very paranoid, and the fear crescendoed by the 3rd or 4th day. March 4th, I was very sick. I had called 911 the night before, my heartrate was very unstable again. It was that night I was able to set the record straght with the EMTs who had been to visit me frequently. I saw large flashes of light in my panic, that somehow dissipated my anxiety. I was able to speak calmly and clearly with a heartrate of 100 bpm that this wasn't in my head, that I was in withdrawal. They left kindly, seemingly broken from the illusion that I was insane. I am glad that it was the last time I saw them.
On March 4th I couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror. I remember sitting outside with my mom, just trying to stay calm, feeling as though 1,000 volts were running through my body. The agony. I tried to take a nap. I prayed for help to dissipate the energy. I closed my eyes and I felt the anxiety mounting again, and heard the word, "explode." I felt the terror, I'm going to lose my mind. I had to get up and walk, even though I was afraid of my heart rate being too high.
I walked around the house briskly for about 15 minutes. I had been frozen for months, so it took a lot of courage. I knew that this energy was going to break me if I didn't move it somehow. I felt better after that but exhausted. I was scared, sleeping only a couple hours over a three day period just is scary. Especially when you feel like you have enough energy to run a marathon. Horrible acidic energy. My body felt like it was full of acid. I knew all the suppressed toxins and negative emotions where leaking into my bloodstream. I was drinking lots of water to get it out.
Me and my family had been at wits. I was so angry. My mom sat down next to me. I began to sob. I was so tired of being in agony, the two years of withdrawal just made me long for life again. She took me in her arms, there on the couch I wept and wept for two hours. I was filled with this longing for connection. I had been so disconnected for so long. So unable to feel love, so angry, so unendingly angry. I had forgotten who I was outside of this hell. Somehow being in my mothers arms awakened old feelings of my love for her, and a much more peaceful connection to her before all this. I began to remember, just a little bit, who I was. I said to her "I'm so sorry for all the awful things I've done." And she just, as though nothing had happened, said, "It's ok. I know you're not feeling well." And that began the cascade of compassion. I felt the longing for my family, for my old friends, for california, the love for myself, the self i had come to hate through all this, the parts of self I had rejected, this life and all it's connections that had been burried under pain and hatred. We bagan to fall asleep. I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I let go, as though I was dying in that moment. I said the lord's prayer, and I heard the voice of someone whispering to me something about death. I saw this big black wall, such a cliche thing to see. With black bricks. The voice was very close to me but on my side of the wall. And this wall just busted open, like I had busted through it. I exploded. And I saw myself, I felt all these old energies from my past. I felt god again. I felt the connection to my mother. I saw a place in california right next to the resovour. Right after I busted through this wall, I heard and saw the words "let your presence be known."
I saw angels up ahead, they were around this big hole in the sky covered by clouds. And I heard that god was watching over me, that I had been on the Valium for 13 and a half months, and that Chris Barker had made things worse. I somehow energetically busted through a wall that had been up for a very long time. And when I opened my eyes, I was filled with childlike joy. I looked at my mom and it was like, the joy a child feels when they see their mother. I was so happy to see her! I can't believe, the relief I felt, I still feel.
That feeling faded but it hasn't gone away. Over the next few days I came back into reality about my family and where they are, but my depression is gone. My anxiety is reasonable, considering coming off the benzo and what I've been through, and my personality has returned.
I still don't understand exactly what happened that day on that couch. I can't believe.. the shift that has occurred, like I regained my soul. That's the only way I can describe it, that my soul got locked behind this wall that somehow stopped the inflow of certain energies. I think god always holds us, but we can be cut off from within and we feel it, it's a horrible feeling. It truly is hell.
I'm very grateful for this experience. it was horrible to go through, but it was like a rebirth. somehow I made it home. And by home, I mean a spiritual place. I made it to a safe and open space, where I can be nurtured by positive energies. That sounds so lame, but it's the deepest thing that's ever happened to me. I am so eternally grateful that on the other side of medication for me, there was freedom. True freedom. Freedom in my soul, my spirit. The blessing of my soul, to be who I am, to explore to learn to "let my presence be known." To not hide behind a wall of defense, to not hide my feelings. To become the person I was intended to be, by god. I sound so crazy, but it's so beautiful. It's so wonderful. It's so good to know that who I am is deeper than a diagnosis, supported by the universe. I am free! I am finally free! Now, my life can finally start! Thank you God!
On March 4th I couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror. I remember sitting outside with my mom, just trying to stay calm, feeling as though 1,000 volts were running through my body. The agony. I tried to take a nap. I prayed for help to dissipate the energy. I closed my eyes and I felt the anxiety mounting again, and heard the word, "explode." I felt the terror, I'm going to lose my mind. I had to get up and walk, even though I was afraid of my heart rate being too high.
I walked around the house briskly for about 15 minutes. I had been frozen for months, so it took a lot of courage. I knew that this energy was going to break me if I didn't move it somehow. I felt better after that but exhausted. I was scared, sleeping only a couple hours over a three day period just is scary. Especially when you feel like you have enough energy to run a marathon. Horrible acidic energy. My body felt like it was full of acid. I knew all the suppressed toxins and negative emotions where leaking into my bloodstream. I was drinking lots of water to get it out.
Me and my family had been at wits. I was so angry. My mom sat down next to me. I began to sob. I was so tired of being in agony, the two years of withdrawal just made me long for life again. She took me in her arms, there on the couch I wept and wept for two hours. I was filled with this longing for connection. I had been so disconnected for so long. So unable to feel love, so angry, so unendingly angry. I had forgotten who I was outside of this hell. Somehow being in my mothers arms awakened old feelings of my love for her, and a much more peaceful connection to her before all this. I began to remember, just a little bit, who I was. I said to her "I'm so sorry for all the awful things I've done." And she just, as though nothing had happened, said, "It's ok. I know you're not feeling well." And that began the cascade of compassion. I felt the longing for my family, for my old friends, for california, the love for myself, the self i had come to hate through all this, the parts of self I had rejected, this life and all it's connections that had been burried under pain and hatred. We bagan to fall asleep. I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I let go, as though I was dying in that moment. I said the lord's prayer, and I heard the voice of someone whispering to me something about death. I saw this big black wall, such a cliche thing to see. With black bricks. The voice was very close to me but on my side of the wall. And this wall just busted open, like I had busted through it. I exploded. And I saw myself, I felt all these old energies from my past. I felt god again. I felt the connection to my mother. I saw a place in california right next to the resovour. Right after I busted through this wall, I heard and saw the words "let your presence be known."
I saw angels up ahead, they were around this big hole in the sky covered by clouds. And I heard that god was watching over me, that I had been on the Valium for 13 and a half months, and that Chris Barker had made things worse. I somehow energetically busted through a wall that had been up for a very long time. And when I opened my eyes, I was filled with childlike joy. I looked at my mom and it was like, the joy a child feels when they see their mother. I was so happy to see her! I can't believe, the relief I felt, I still feel.
That feeling faded but it hasn't gone away. Over the next few days I came back into reality about my family and where they are, but my depression is gone. My anxiety is reasonable, considering coming off the benzo and what I've been through, and my personality has returned.
I still don't understand exactly what happened that day on that couch. I can't believe.. the shift that has occurred, like I regained my soul. That's the only way I can describe it, that my soul got locked behind this wall that somehow stopped the inflow of certain energies. I think god always holds us, but we can be cut off from within and we feel it, it's a horrible feeling. It truly is hell.
I'm very grateful for this experience. it was horrible to go through, but it was like a rebirth. somehow I made it home. And by home, I mean a spiritual place. I made it to a safe and open space, where I can be nurtured by positive energies. That sounds so lame, but it's the deepest thing that's ever happened to me. I am so eternally grateful that on the other side of medication for me, there was freedom. True freedom. Freedom in my soul, my spirit. The blessing of my soul, to be who I am, to explore to learn to "let my presence be known." To not hide behind a wall of defense, to not hide my feelings. To become the person I was intended to be, by god. I sound so crazy, but it's so beautiful. It's so wonderful. It's so good to know that who I am is deeper than a diagnosis, supported by the universe. I am free! I am finally free! Now, my life can finally start! Thank you God!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Coming off antidepressants and benzodiazepines: a new creature
I have been in the long struggle of coming off these medications for a long time. The main reason is because it has changed my personality to a great degree, and I haven't been comfortable with facing the new creature I'm becoming because of it. The main thing is I'm much more sensitive. That may be an understatement. But there are up sides to this type of sensitivity. One is I'm much more inclined to get out of an unhealthy situation. The second, I now am regaining skills I had lost when I went on the medications 14 years ago. I'm actually able to retain information. I am shocked to be understanding my online responsive web design class.
I initially tried to quickly cram my consciousness back into the medication box because, besides the hell of withdrawal, the new mind is set free into a state of tension. It's uncomfortable. It's not like being born into a loving mother's arms with rites of passage and all the time in the world to figure out who you are. It's being born again an adult, being expected to take care of yourself, to interact smoothly in interpersonal relationships, and to already have built up buffering systems for the harsh realities of life. And being on a path that very few choose, so there is an element of feeling completely alone and unable to relate to others. I'm hoping this will find anyone who's walking this path.
Again, once the decision is made to make the jump, there are new tools and gifts to help you find your way. I found this new mind likes to figure things out. I get relief and great satisfaction from solving a problem. And I'm now actually able to pull all the information together in such a way to do so. Thus, creativity is coming back to me. I can't help but wonder if this tension was there all along, I was just numb to it. I can't help but wonder if this tension is the tension of real emotional work that I had neglected, and very desperately needed to do my whole life. I am running with that idea right now. And it has been beneficial. When I look at my anxiety and depression through the eyes of modern psychiatry (not necessarily psychology), it is a problem, a flaw that needs to be corrected, and is something I shouldn't have to deal with and will ruin my life. When I look at it from this new perspective, it gives me power and a direction. It is actually the means to a life. But it is a challenge, because it means I have to change my whole life. I have had to change the way I eat, I have had to learn to disconnect from toxic and time consuming relationships with men, and I have had to learn to face my beliefs and emotions. I have had to change my heros and find mental narratives that ultimately lead to something positive. I basically have to rewrite the script. Being off medication means a lot of things. It means a long withdrawal period and a lot of misunderstanding by those around you. It means a lot of confusion and pain. But once that's settled, it means that I now have to trade in a life that did not fit who I really am that medication made me ok with, while turning over my creative and intellectual abilities, for a life that is very intentional, and ultimately my own. It's really hard. It's like doing14 years of work all at once, or over the span of a few years. It means feeling brand new, and revisiting my frustrations with compassion over and over. It also means victories and the slow evolution of a self realization and true autonomy. And it does mean giving into a kinder bigger picture, and letting go of ideas that don't feed me as a person, even if they are popular. I have to accept the parts of self I tried so slam down with medications for 14 whole years. I was told my whole life by man well educated, white coated and seemingly intelligent individuals that I was happy to allow solve my problems with a prescription that it can't be done. But I am still here, and one way or another, I am doing it.
I initially tried to quickly cram my consciousness back into the medication box because, besides the hell of withdrawal, the new mind is set free into a state of tension. It's uncomfortable. It's not like being born into a loving mother's arms with rites of passage and all the time in the world to figure out who you are. It's being born again an adult, being expected to take care of yourself, to interact smoothly in interpersonal relationships, and to already have built up buffering systems for the harsh realities of life. And being on a path that very few choose, so there is an element of feeling completely alone and unable to relate to others. I'm hoping this will find anyone who's walking this path.
Again, once the decision is made to make the jump, there are new tools and gifts to help you find your way. I found this new mind likes to figure things out. I get relief and great satisfaction from solving a problem. And I'm now actually able to pull all the information together in such a way to do so. Thus, creativity is coming back to me. I can't help but wonder if this tension was there all along, I was just numb to it. I can't help but wonder if this tension is the tension of real emotional work that I had neglected, and very desperately needed to do my whole life. I am running with that idea right now. And it has been beneficial. When I look at my anxiety and depression through the eyes of modern psychiatry (not necessarily psychology), it is a problem, a flaw that needs to be corrected, and is something I shouldn't have to deal with and will ruin my life. When I look at it from this new perspective, it gives me power and a direction. It is actually the means to a life. But it is a challenge, because it means I have to change my whole life. I have had to change the way I eat, I have had to learn to disconnect from toxic and time consuming relationships with men, and I have had to learn to face my beliefs and emotions. I have had to change my heros and find mental narratives that ultimately lead to something positive. I basically have to rewrite the script. Being off medication means a lot of things. It means a long withdrawal period and a lot of misunderstanding by those around you. It means a lot of confusion and pain. But once that's settled, it means that I now have to trade in a life that did not fit who I really am that medication made me ok with, while turning over my creative and intellectual abilities, for a life that is very intentional, and ultimately my own. It's really hard. It's like doing14 years of work all at once, or over the span of a few years. It means feeling brand new, and revisiting my frustrations with compassion over and over. It also means victories and the slow evolution of a self realization and true autonomy. And it does mean giving into a kinder bigger picture, and letting go of ideas that don't feed me as a person, even if they are popular. I have to accept the parts of self I tried so slam down with medications for 14 whole years. I was told my whole life by man well educated, white coated and seemingly intelligent individuals that I was happy to allow solve my problems with a prescription that it can't be done. But I am still here, and one way or another, I am doing it.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Going off remeron and valium
I am down to 0.25mg valium. I feel every adjustment i make. I am going to stop the remeron i was put on in the hospital. It helped me at first but over time it has made me more paranoid. Such is my pattern with antidepressants these days. I pray this is the solution god wants for me bc i have tried everything else. My body does not tolerate psych meds anymore. I will keep my knees bent. I will go back on it if i need to but at this point, only taking 7.5mg and having more trouble driving my car and dealing with panic than before i started, I think its done more harm than good. I know god needs me and my perspective so there must be a way to health. I am sure of it. Just have to try and have faith.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Love let me go where you go
This has been the craziest two years of my life. I still cant wrap my head around what's happened. It has been so exhausting. I don't know if I have truly rested since. I miss being able to. It feels like there is an endless flow of energy and activity running through me at all times. It feels overwhelming like it is unsafe to let down a vigilant posture. At times lately, I have felt more like myself. Like an old me or a real me that extends further back than two years ago. But that feeling of true self is competing for space in my consciousness with this new, unrelenting activity. Like I'm living out two realities at once, or gradually shifting from one to the other. It's an experience that words can't truly describe, but a divided sense of reality is probably as close as im going to get. I am grateful to be reintegrating whole parts of self, and the spaciousness, emptiness is rejuvenating. Its not empty like the vacancy of loss, but full like the emptiness of the sky, full with the knowledge granted in the ethers. The implications of existence that occur without extension or effort. Just the inheritance of interconnectedness, oneness. Love. The support of the universe. I always forget its there until its there again and then I am it.
The tension always builds in my chest. My heart holds the pressure of many places. Many conversations. It can all dissolve so easily. I never knew space travel would be so complicated. Like riding a wild horse. My mind dictates the course and i haven't learned to let my mind be still yet. All this was always happen just now i see. I see love. Part of a web. I cant find the source of love. I look for it in the pictures of past lovers. I can never arrive at a destination. It is never there. Maybe its because love is always moving, kind of the way my spirit does now. Maybe i can learn to go where love goes. Then i would always be free, always be empty, always open wide, and always at rest. Love, let me go where you go.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The whole and broken selves
Inside every human being is a whole and a broken person. We all have our point of limitation. May you be blessed with the strength to overcome your challenges, and the humility to recognize your good fortune as a gift you were capable of receiving.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Depth
Being a person of depth means that you have the capacity to hold more; More love, more information, more hate, more worry. And sometimes all you hold can hold you down. The challenge people of depth face is learning what is and isn't worth holding on to, and how to let go of the things that do not serve them.
Friday, February 7, 2014
The gift of illness
It has been a rough two years and I have learned a lot. I've learned to take care of myself, to be more cautious and assrrtive with people. I have learned that everything in life is a gift that most people don't realize they have in life. Life is bavkwards this way. Every thought you think, emotion you have, and step you take are constucted of of elements that are not our own, elements of this physical and emotion plane working together to create this great unfolding we call life. None of it is your own, except the experience you gain from it. Life is backwards this way because we dont realize the supportive intelligence at work until it ceases to work. The integral nature of a word you speak, burrowed from memory and culture, prompted by the context that at hand. The complex nature of a heartbeat. All working to help you move forward. Illness turns this ignorance on its head. Our illness, whether it be physical, mental, or spiritual in nature makes us realize this underlying support system we take for granted, and that we ourselves cannot fully recreate. If my heart wants to stop beating, it will. This at first can throw us into panic, because we realize how dependent we truly are, and how much we have to lose. It can even throw us into a state of panic and confusion, overwhelmed by the existential reality of the human condition, the dark night of the soul. We have lost the ability to trust reality.
It is at this point we come to a doorway that we may chose to walk through, and have to walk through more than once, and that is the awareness of all the things working for you, not against you. This is how we can start to heal our disharmony. When I open my eyes, i see light, and my nrain converted the frequency into colors and is creating a picture for me to imterpret and navigate my reality. My breath continued all through the might. My digestion is moving. There is some force at work relentlessly working to sustain me, to support me. The majority of the universe works for me. The mechanism that moves all things forward is harmony, and i am part of that harmony. I start to establish a new identity, one with the most intelligent and miraculous source of life. And while the first glimmers of this realization may not heal me in a moment, the continual revisiting and giving in to this reality will heal me over time.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Valium Withdrawal, Remeron, Still on this shit road
I've crash landed somewhere in Arizona. I fought long and hard to get off the Valium and eventually ended up in the hospital. My withdrawal was so severe I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I heard voices upon falling asleep, and I developed really bad tachycardia. I kept going to the ER, my heart would race, especially through the night. I ended up in the ER and demanded to be put in the hospital. They misdiagnosed me with POTS, so my psychiatrist in the hospital thought my heart racing was due to the disorder. A tilt table test revealed I do not have POTS, though the specialist is convinced, I don't know why, I think he just can't admit he was wrong.
They put me on Remeron, which is helping a bit. I'm still down. I'm still depressed, but I'm not in constant agony and I can relax and I can concentrate better. I'm not having the sensation of my dead body being pulled over gravel any longer.
But I am back on the Valium. 2mg. I had to go back up on it. In the hospital the lowest dose they would give me is 2.5mg. And at one point they gave me a shot of 1mg lorazepam (equivalent to 10mg Valium).
I left the hospital and tried to go back to 1mg. Didn't work. Heart racing, went crazy again. Can't go that fast. So I was on 3mg for a few days and now to 2mg. My plan is to stay on and go down by .5mg every 2 weeks. And pray I can get off this crap. My heartrate is up a bit. It stays around 90. It can rest at 100 if I eat the wrong thing. It's a little faster at night. I now take a beta blocker to be safe. So who knows where it really rests.
I'm very tired of this hell journey. I've dipped in and out of depression before. I've been of antidepressants that work before. I've done it twice. This is the worst, and the longest standing. This is visiting the other dimension inside of myself, the darker side. It totally blows. It's not fun. It's hard. It involves seemingly pointless emotions. It's the ultimate burn out.
I know i have to get over the benzo hump. It's going to take a few months. 2 months to get off, probably a couple to stabilize after being off also. Hopefully I'll be ok. Hopefully I will recover. I'm down low. I'm somewhat sane. I'm sad. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't know why life is so fucking hard for me. I'm not getting any easy ways out this time. I can't take SSRI's at this point cause the kill my stomach so I'm doing everything else I can to lessen the pain. I take the Remeron which is a tetracyclic, I eat really well, I take Omegas. I exercise when my heart rate chills out. And I listen to positive stuff. I'm working on my spirituality. But I really just want the depression to stop at this point. I want to move on.
I got a car and it's hard to drive it as I hit the wall with my withdrawals and had a few panic attacks while driving and now it's hard again. It will get better. It gets better depending on who's around. My nervous system's just all jacked up in general. But I've learned through all the online videos and stuff that this is pretty normal for benzo withdrawal. So I have to remember that things may not be completely better getting off Valium, but it will get somewhat better, and I may be somewhat more "stable" at that point. Wish I could make it go faster, but I've learned not to be hasty. This is the ultimate lesson in patience. I have to not go too fast. Too fast is death. It's danger. It's insanity. Don't go too fast off benzos, no matter what doctors tell you or how low you think your dose is. Don't do it. Ever. It doesn't work.
I really want to be free again. I miss the free version of myself, but I don't know how free I ever really was, I just know I was number, and I wasn't so pessimistic. I have a hard time loving anyone or anything or trusting anything anymore. It all gets sucked up into the endless vortex that is in my heart.
I pray to God again. I pray. I pray and I wait. I try to summon god, and gods messages, and I don't really get anything. I've been told to wait for God. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for God on this one.
They put me on Remeron, which is helping a bit. I'm still down. I'm still depressed, but I'm not in constant agony and I can relax and I can concentrate better. I'm not having the sensation of my dead body being pulled over gravel any longer.
But I am back on the Valium. 2mg. I had to go back up on it. In the hospital the lowest dose they would give me is 2.5mg. And at one point they gave me a shot of 1mg lorazepam (equivalent to 10mg Valium).
I left the hospital and tried to go back to 1mg. Didn't work. Heart racing, went crazy again. Can't go that fast. So I was on 3mg for a few days and now to 2mg. My plan is to stay on and go down by .5mg every 2 weeks. And pray I can get off this crap. My heartrate is up a bit. It stays around 90. It can rest at 100 if I eat the wrong thing. It's a little faster at night. I now take a beta blocker to be safe. So who knows where it really rests.
I'm very tired of this hell journey. I've dipped in and out of depression before. I've been of antidepressants that work before. I've done it twice. This is the worst, and the longest standing. This is visiting the other dimension inside of myself, the darker side. It totally blows. It's not fun. It's hard. It involves seemingly pointless emotions. It's the ultimate burn out.
I know i have to get over the benzo hump. It's going to take a few months. 2 months to get off, probably a couple to stabilize after being off also. Hopefully I'll be ok. Hopefully I will recover. I'm down low. I'm somewhat sane. I'm sad. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't know why life is so fucking hard for me. I'm not getting any easy ways out this time. I can't take SSRI's at this point cause the kill my stomach so I'm doing everything else I can to lessen the pain. I take the Remeron which is a tetracyclic, I eat really well, I take Omegas. I exercise when my heart rate chills out. And I listen to positive stuff. I'm working on my spirituality. But I really just want the depression to stop at this point. I want to move on.
I got a car and it's hard to drive it as I hit the wall with my withdrawals and had a few panic attacks while driving and now it's hard again. It will get better. It gets better depending on who's around. My nervous system's just all jacked up in general. But I've learned through all the online videos and stuff that this is pretty normal for benzo withdrawal. So I have to remember that things may not be completely better getting off Valium, but it will get somewhat better, and I may be somewhat more "stable" at that point. Wish I could make it go faster, but I've learned not to be hasty. This is the ultimate lesson in patience. I have to not go too fast. Too fast is death. It's danger. It's insanity. Don't go too fast off benzos, no matter what doctors tell you or how low you think your dose is. Don't do it. Ever. It doesn't work.
I really want to be free again. I miss the free version of myself, but I don't know how free I ever really was, I just know I was number, and I wasn't so pessimistic. I have a hard time loving anyone or anything or trusting anything anymore. It all gets sucked up into the endless vortex that is in my heart.
I pray to God again. I pray. I pray and I wait. I try to summon god, and gods messages, and I don't really get anything. I've been told to wait for God. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for God on this one.
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