notes symptoms

7/26/2013 (Friday)
Stomach and pelvic pain during day. Bloating.

7 pm- a lot of nausea and pelvic pain. At a lot of birthday cake. Not a good idea? Seroquel 10 mg in PM.

7/27/2013 (Saturday)
Took Seroquel last night for the second night, about 15 mg of the XR chewed up. Was able to sleep well, woke up feeling ok. But did wake up a few times and my hands and arms were very very numb. Then began to feel that familiar aggressive, agitated, super angry crazy MAD state that I felt a week or so ago when I took the Trazadone. I don't know why this happens. I'm very disappointed, I thought this was working.

Stomach & colin cramping at breakfast and pelvic pain throughout the day. It is now 2:00 pm.

do i fight or do i accept?

I often times don't know what to do. Is it wiser to fight or to accept that it's just time for your life to come to an end? I know I'm sick and I'm not getting better. I know they don't know what's wrong with me. I know that school starts in a month and I'm not going to be able to make it through the way I'm feeling. I know that's the only way I have enough money to be able to go to the doctor, or to have health insurance, is to be in school. I know that I'm hurting everyone around me. I know that it's hard on my family and my boyfriend for them to see me like this and not be able to help me or fix it.

I really miss my home. I miss where I grew up. I miss the way I used to feel and the person I used to be. I miss familiar things. I feel like it's all lost. I miss my family, even though they are around me. I miss they I used to feel around them and the way I used to be able to make them feel. I miss myself, and my world. I miss the feeling of stability, of gravity, and of sanity. I wish I knew if it would be better to fight or accept.

dr. am bust

Had appointment with intern Dr. AM today. Did not like him. He stated he might not be able to help me, and wanted to see me in 3-4 weeks. Not soon enough. He also didn't want to hear about any female issues. Generally not a good personality match. Am going to try Internist Dr. SH on August 6th.

Took 20mg Seroquel, left over samples, at 3:43 Am this morning. I'm beginning to become very hopeless about my situation. I'm very tired of not sleeping well. I hope God can hear me and is helping to lead me out of this.

Was surprised to hear how skinny I've become. Been getting a lot of feedback on that lately.

My eyes are killing me and are all red.

i miss being able to take medication

It's a strange world because most people with depression in this modern world are medicated.  It's sort of a thing of the past.  When you're the one person who can't take the medications, it's very surreal. It kind of feels like being in a time warp, or on your own planet. I imagine in the past people with depression all hung out.  They had stuff to talk about. The inability to turn away emotionally and the triggering circumstances of everyday life as well as blatant injustices in our world probably prompted them to find effective outlets and each other.  I look at the work of people like Edvard Munch and I just see a person trying to cope. He eventually got shock therapy in his 80's.  Everyone with that sort of sensitivity is high on meds now. I miss being high on meds.  There's a lot less understanding for untreated depression.  Even from doctors.  They can't accept that it isn't a possibility.  I miss being one of the cured. I miss being able to say "Oh I understand that, I have depression too." but not still being in it. I miss having forgotten what it's like.
Something is eating my brain. Something is eating my body. Still no diagnosis. Another day. I went to the doctor on Monday and she examined my cervix. She said just touching it made it bleed. Nurse called with lab results and nothing abnormal. I hate not knowing what this is.
My mind locks up a lot.  It's like there's so much stress going on that everything freezes. I can't think straight.  I can't tell if the mental stuff causes the physical stuff or not. I know that Ativan works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. I know that this comes in cycles. I know that when I'm emotionally sick, I'm also physically sick. It's so confusing.
Vitamins have helped me a lot. But they aren't helping enough.  I've gone through boughts of mega-dosing to try to cure myself. Eventually I get too nauseous and have to stop, but my brain heals a bit every time. But foods and vitamins have become an obsession, because I'm trying to find the cure. And nothing has worked yet.

gyno dr. jk apt. notes

Friday Received news by email from dr. Mjb that during pelvic ultrasound on friday at mc begnign cysts were found and no further follow up was needed.
Apt
8:40 w Dr. Jk. 
Pain where the left ovarian cyst is. Pain all around that area. Radiating to colon? Nausea. Bleeding during sex, skin is breaking. And really bad pain on thursday to the point i couldnt move.
Jk says she ran polycystic ovarian syndrome tests as well as hormones before. Iron deficiency and autoimmune normal.
Cortisal .... hiv and syphalis, everything normal
Call her after menses starts to retest pelvic ultrasound

trazadone was a bad choice

I usually take a low dose of ativan to help me sleep and last night I was out so took about 15 mg of my boyfriend's Trazadone. I woke up Saturday morning to a familiar type of torture.  Extreme agitation and anxiety.  It runs up my spin and into my brain. This is the devil inside me, a fried hypersensitivity that lights up when triggered by the wrong thing.  That tends to happen with antidepressants, some are worse than others.  I'm noticing serotonin antagonists are not a good thing for me.  Seroquel, Vibryd, and now Trazadone have caused this same reaction, all antagonists of certain serotonin receptors.  Trazadone blocks or antagonizes the 5HT2A receptor. I believe when I took the Staphysagria I damaged some of my receptor cites. It's important when find a medication I don't activate the wrong one.

It's extremely painful. I woke up at 7 and had to run outside and weep.  What has happened to me?  I used to be able to take these things and they were helpful.  It causes great despair.  And I need help for my depression so it feels like a trap.  What is the answer?

i'm dying, nice to meet you.

I'm sick. Really sick. I got serotonin syndrome while switching antidepressants and taking a homeopathic remedy a year ago to try to deal with some preexisting health issues and I nearly exploded. Ever since then I have been struggling to get a proper diagnosis and get some help.  It's a thick issue, and I need somewhere to vent where nobody knows who I am so I'm not hurting anyone around me.  I've almost thrown myself in front of traffic a few times. I used to take medication for depression but now when I try to take them I get side effects that nobody's ever seen before. It's a pretty ugly picture.

Here's some of my symptoms:

Stomach and colin pain and cramping. Sensitivities to foods, caffeine, can't take most medications, even aspirin.
Pelvic pain and bleeding (not menstruation)
Dizziness, head pressure, pressure in back of neck. See spots, lights, etc.
Numbness in the extremities, especially at night.
Eye irritation, itching. Can't wear contacts anymore.
Nausea.
Fatigue, general weakness.
Emotionally I feel angry and anxious all the time.
Lost a lot of weight. But really hungry.

When I try to take antidepressants:

I become agitated, first of all.
develop either intense stomach or pelvic pain, not sure which it is, over time. (about a week)
some sort of skin reaction will occur such as rashes and boils
intense dreams to the point where I can't wake up.  And they're beyond nightmares.  Like dysphoric agitated mania type status.
All sorts of pain in my head that feels really really wrong.
Neurological shitstorm.

I'm a very unstable person.  I hide it well.  When this first happened, I let the crazy out. I even went to a free emergency clinic where they diagnosed me bipolar.  That's since been removed. Now I've learned to operate without making it obvious that half of my soul is caught in a dimension of chaos.  I wish it was bipolar.  That's how horrible and complex this is.  It's so bad I am jealous of my friend who's bipolar. She has a clear diagnosis and treatment plan.  I on the other hand, am lost at sea.