Spiritually lifted, but still sick!

So I've had some really amazing shifts this week with my spiritual and emotional life. I feel lighter, I feel happier, I feel connected to spirit, but I'm still going in and out of it. But this lift I've experienced has really been amazing! My confidence is coming back, my emotions are leveling out. I don't feel like I'm always in the dimension of chaos anymore, which is actually a really big deal!

But it's been a really tough week physically. A few days ago I got so sick that I ended up vomiting after eating a grilled cheese and some raw carrots. I think this was a bad turning point, or a significant one.  I heard the owl come outside thew window. This happens when I'm in really bad shape, I think our bodies must release a hormone or something when we're toxic, because those damn owls show up.

I was extremely weak and laying on the floor. I had to take a lot of medication for me to settle down, and I had been experiencing a lot of sleep paralysis. It was just a bad two weeks looking back. I had tried to go off the Valium and became so agitated I felt suicidal and had to go back up to 3 mg for a few days just to numb myself and then down to 2, and I think that was just too much for me. Then that night of vomiting a week or so later and the next day I woke up with swollen lymph nodes. Those have lasted a few days and then today I woke up with goiter.

I'm experiencing two extremes, one is a total high and connectedness and another is this deep sickness. So I'm trying to stay in the light but I'm so tired and can't sleep without getting sick.

Abdominal pain ouch.

I'm in the doctors office on campus again seeing an urgent care doctor again for bad abdominal pain today. She seems as confused as any other doctor I've seen this year. She wants another rhumetology  appointment for me. I mentioned to her my theory of the medication allergy and she didn't seem to think that was it. She didn't respond when I explained it anyway. She is taking a couple blood tests. I appreciate her determination and her kind words. She said I have to stay positive and we will find the answer. It hurt exceptionally badly when they took blood. Probably a mixture of dehydration and withdrawal.
I don't want to take any more valium. I can't stand the thought of it any more. The most I will do is take a last dose of. 25mg tonight. I feel very dizzy today like the ground is shaking. I feel like my brain is wrecked from all of these drugs. It is so hard to let go of the anger and the blame. This should have never happened. It is unfair. I wish I never took a pill in my life.
The thing that sucks about not having a diagnosis is that it makes it hard to determine how to help yourself. Im afraid to eat gluten dairy and sugar in case it is parasites or candida. I cant drink alcohol or coffee. Im afraid of trans fats if it is cancer. The pelvic and abdominal inflammation make it so i cant exercise too rigorously.  Basically its hard to have a life, do anything normal, or have fun. Cant eat, think or have sex. Im proud of myself for getting through this and i will be grateful for the rest of my life enjoying the gifts of normalcy.

Still Coming Off the Benzos After 2 Months, Allergy and Dependence, Histamine Receptor Impairment Due to Seroquel

I am still stuck in this cycle with the benzodiazapine medication. It is very tiring. I cannot seem to get off of it. I have been tapering off the Diazepam after switching from Lorazepam for two months now. When I recently tried to stop completely a week or so ago, I began to get recurrent rapid heartrate. It was so severe that I eventually got a Holter Montor from a cardiologist at Mayo Clinic. By the time I got the monitor, I had gone back on the medication, so extreme 140+ bpm episodes that I had been experiencing for about three days before was not recorded, though they did say I had tachycardia due to some sort of stress, and finding the source of the stress was important.
I can tell that the Diazepam irritates my system. I do not have any autoimmune disease, though the symptoms this medication gives me mimics those types of conditions. I had a full rhumetology panel done because of it. I am certain that I am either allergic or having a toxic reaction to this medication. I believe the reason why is a combination of having taken Seroquel for many years (around 13) and stopping it, as well as the stress induced by taking a homeopathic remedy that further activated my misfiring mechanisms. Seroquel works very strongly on the histamine receptors, and hence it is a very heavy sedative. I took it unnecessarily for many years for anxiety. It made me sleep 12 hours a day. It had a strong impact on my body's development. It doesn't seem illogical to assume that it has effected my histamine receptors, perhaps damaged them, or impared their ability to work properly on their own. I have had many allergic reactions to antidepressants and other medications this year. They manifest in the form of boils, hives and rashes and intense stomach pain. I believe my body will heal once I get off of all medications completely.
I am now taking about .75mg Diazepam a day. The heartrate issue is becoming more of a problem, and harder to stabalize. I realize that my tolerance is going up with time, so even though I went back up on the medication with the onset of the rapid heartrate at night, I am still withdrawling more and more as the days go on. I am fearful of what is to come completely stopping the drug, but I know it is time to do it. I feel that I need medical monitoring to withdrawal safely. I do not think my body is reacting in a predictable manner. It is hard to get any doctor to understand my perspective. They all seem to disagree that the Diazepam could be causing this problem, but I have documented my taper and it is clear to see there is a negative causal relationship between the dose of the Diazepam and the frequency and intensity of this rapid heartrate. I also regret to say that I am having mild hallucinations coupled with extreme anxiety right before dosing the Diazepam.
What is even more controversial is that the now chronic and unexplained pelvic inflammation that I am experiencing is declining as I go down on the Diazepam. The stomach pain is decreasing as well. But I now have more symptom of withdrawal, and that includes chest pain as well as the need to sleep coupled with voilent startle responses during sleep, hypersensitivity to excitement, sensations of the ground shaking, and throat and lung irritation.
I am almost certain that I am allergic to the Diazepam as well as dependent on it. I need to get off this drug. It is a very peculiar and delicate situation. I am sad that I have not been able to get the understanding of any medical professional, as it has made this process much more distressing.

Spiritual guidance

Im getting a lit of spiritual guidance. Saturday morning i asjed for messages and u heard: you are going to have a better life.
I keep waking up and seeing the word cancer.
David

Inward knowledge.

I received the word "death"  this morning. I have been praying for forgiveness to break the karma I have acquired and about a week ago I received "there have been things done to your body that can't be forgiven." This guidance is scary and I don't know if it is true or not.
The strange thing is I feel so much peace today. Love is in my heart again and my mind is settling. Im just concerned because of this message and I have lost 10 pounds in a week. I am having these heart issues and random pain. But my soul is leveling out and I pray this death is the death of my old self. I want to live I have come so far. I have asked for more clear guidance. I am working on blessing things.

Wishful Regrets

Wish I never smoked a cigarette. Wish I never took a pill. Wish I never drank alcohol, wish I never smoked weed. Wish I hadn't changed schools or started having sex with boys. Wish I was shinny and new, healthy and pure.

Karma. Me and my fucked up Karma.

I read this article on Karma and it's helping me deal with my bad karma.

What is Karma?

I've been struggling with the fact that I know my "karma" has brought me to this really tough, shitty situation that I'm having to move through. And I take it on with a sense of deep guilt. I've carried around this idea that I did something horrible at some point in this life or another to acquire this shit storm. I pray for forgiveness every night, and morning.

It turns out that karma isn't quite that simple. Karma means "passed on from the past" not just "punishment for things you did in the past".  Not all of your karma originates from you. People pass on karma that hurts themselves and others. It's like setting off a chain reaction. So what that means is that karma started somewhere, and when we acquire it, no matter its origin, we still have to be the ones that transmute it.

So we take on societal karma, family karma, and we create our own karma. Basically it's all very interconnected, but the solution is within the self. This doesn't mean that I can go on blaming my problems on other people, it means I have to take responsibility for the things that I learned and chose to carry out, the actions that I took based on ignorance and through awareness or "enlightenment", change it.

This is helpful for me because I tend to take it all on like I am responsible for the gravity of every wrong situation I encounter. Even if someone does something to me I say it is my karma that brought me here. I now don't think this is entirely true. I think that I struggle with resisting other people's bad karma because I feel it is my fault. So I stay stuck. This perpetuates that bad karma. I bring it in, I don't sidestep it. I say "yes, this is my burden I must bear it", and I suffer deeply.

So I must learn to recognize bad karma and not feel the need to internalize it. It is not me. It is not anybody, really. The true self is exempt from the cycles of cause and effect in the physical world. It is source energy, love, obviously. Consciousness. But that consciousness comes into this mess of energetic processes expressing themselves physically, and from what I can tell so far, it is like a game. I'm not sure what the end goal is, people say "enlightenment", and I think that's probably true, but the word does explain itself so I'm still not sure if that's correct or not.

But it seems like a game. And the game seems to have to do with learning to recognize that which is around us. Learning to understand this existence and these experiences, recognize their mechanism of action, and after understanding this we then... ?  So we come to see and then from there I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with it. Avoid pain? Become productive? This brings to mind a few teachings of Jesus, found in the Gnostic Bible of Thomas, which read;

5 Jesus said, "Know what is in front of your face, and what is hidden from you will be disclosed to you.

For there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. [And there is nothing buried that will not be raised."]

In other words, come to understand yourself and your world and why things are happening the way they are. If you can come to understand that, you will see what you cannot see. 

Because your world is being created by these undiscovered cycles of karma. And while you may want to hide from them, your ignorance will not free you from it, rather it will force itself onto you with strength in an effort to reveal itself. 

"When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

"2 Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will reign over all. [And after they have reigned they will rest.]"

Holy crap, this stuff blows my mind. 

buddhist wheel of karma

#karma #karmarealmeaning #whatiskarma

Heart rate shot up 140

I woke up around 2:12 feeling sick. I got up and began to walk around. My heart rate climbed. It wouldn't stop so after 20 minutes i am called an ambulance. They measured it and it rested at 140. Im guessing it was around 160 at first. Burning in my chest. I did not go to the ER. I suspect withdrawal again but cant be certain. It is peculiar that this always happens at night. Two hours later it is coming down.

Worst cycle so far

Im having the most painful cycle so far. It came a week early. Inflamed bladder and intestines. Sore throat. Shooting pains and cramping.

Valium is a bust: another allergy

I am so close to getting off the stupid valium. I was able to go a day without it and developed an increase heartrate by the middle of the next day so had to take a very small amount (about. 1 mg) but it wasn't enough. I woke up in the middle of the night w an increased heartrate again. I noticed my eyes were bloodshot and dry and throat was sore already from such a small dose. Buy to avoid another trip to the ER I took another .15 mg. My cervix, bladder and colin inflammation have also reached a critical point so much so that my second gynocologist insist endoscopic surgery to find the source of the inflammation. I can't help the thought that the source is under everybody's nose, a combination of allergic type reactions to all the psych Meds I've taken this year in my attempt to stay medicated even after they stopped working. This scares me bc I have to go off but nobody will hear me when I tell them I am reacting to the medications. I pray my cervix will recover after all this as well as my other affected organs and that there's no cancer bc inflammation I've heard is a condusive environment to all types of cancer. Antihistamines interact with valuium so that is off the table. They have tested everything to find the source of my severe pelvic pain: tested for all stds and bacterias, including testing for bacterias and viruses in the blood, stool sample for parasytes, many many exams stretching over a year revealing physical signs of my cervix "looking like a skinned knee", an endoscopy and colonoscopy, ultrasound of my pelvis and mri of my abdomen. Now they insist on laproscopic surgery to check for endometriosis which would probably cause more inflammation and require me to take pain Meds and considering that I tend yo develop reactions within two weeks to any med and even some vitamins, im not too exited about it. Im afraid of waking up with more bloodshot eyes this morning. This is all very scary. Time to pray again. God please he'll me through again. You have helped me so many times. Eyes are burning. Hands are numb.

Just a rant

Today has been like a fog. I got bad sleep last night, worse than usual. I ate a handful of chocolate almonds, some bread, and a small piece of pie and ice cream. I was frustrated after spending a day at mayo clinic. I went to a cardiologist for an echocardiogram which turned up normal. I keep thinking of I go to the specialists the internist suggests, maybe they will eventually lead to the truth of the matter. I am realiZing they have no clue what is wrong. I feel hopeless often times at the lack of help and I owe about 10,000 dollars in medical bills.
It is 107 degrees here and I don't have a car. My eyes are bloodshot and im spacy and tired waiting at a bus stop. My classes are online so I go to my college's main computing commons to use their large desktop computers which are great to use when working on graphic and web design projects. It also gives me a change of scenery.
I talk to my mother often. It is hard for me to talk to people I don't know well. Deep depressive states make you feel unfamiliar to yourself. Everything becomes a question because it is a new and strange experience. Life doesn't build upon past experience anymore because you are on a different track. So the act of simply trying to figure out who to be when someone new talks to you can be daunting. If you were to present yourself honestly as a person feeling the way you feel, you are likely to make someone unco.fortable. if you act as a happy person when you are deeply sad, you are living outside of integrity and silencing that person suffering on the inside. So this is where isolation starts bc it is often times more painful to live in the juxtaposition. There is no clear solution.

Luck with food changes

Im having luck not eating any sugar dairy or gluten. Numb hands at night are almost completely gone. Emotions much more level.

Poem on the anger of illness

In my darkest hours
I found myself alone
Even the kindest of souls
Were repeled by my anguish
I pray for forgivness
For my inability to maintain grace
In the face of the storm that enslaved me
For when I saw them retreat
Afraid of what they saw inside me
I retaliated against the chasm
Between me and my fellow man
And broke loves frail thread

ER again

I woke up in the middle of the night august 30th and noticed a very strange irregular heartbeat. 15 seconds later my heartrate shot through the roof. Ran downstairs and woke my boyfriend and when he felt my heart he called 911. My arms felt a flooding sensation that was tingling but more intense than the normal tingling I have experienced. By the time emt got there it was down to 120 and I decided to go to the ER to be monitored. It took 5 hours for my heartrate to slow down and I was discharged without much instruction feeling like an idiot for going. But the symptoms began to come back namely the vertigo ( a feeling like im being shoved or there is an earthquake) dizziness and now chest pain and loss of appetite. My bowels also locked up a few days prior to the episode. I took 2.5 valium lastnight and did better and was finally able to go to the bathroom. This morning the chest pain returned and after a very short walk to the end of the street I got the sensation of being shoved again and then chest pain increased so I took another 2 mg. Im very fearful and have sent my amazing internist my symptoms and some information on withdrawal and informed my sigbifigant other and my parents. I hope to make it through without permanent damage. After taking 2 mg this morning 20 min ago it is now 9:30 and I am feeling less anxiety but still chest pain. I am not leaving the house or going in the heat. Im also taking vitamin c d and magnesium. I will be continuing to stay away from gluten as well as stop all sugar. Lots of oils and have been sober from any drugs or alcohol for 4 months.

Yeast

I had more universal nudging.
This time it was two days ago. I learned "yeast" and then saw it flowing through a tube like it was in my bloodstream. I ignored it. How do I communicate this stuff to anyone?
The last two days I've gotten worse. My period was very abnormal this month. There was so much clotting like thick globs of fibers and hairs followed by really bright red blood. A lot heavier this month
Like all the endometriak tissue shed and left a very raw inside of my vagina that bled out a bit. Then came the nudge. Yeast.
Its hurt very badly to have sex. It makes sense if I had the yeast I fection that it got through the broken walls of my insides. I feel really bad today. Can't keep my head up. No appetite. It hurts up above where my stomach should be. Wtf. Im so dizzy and have shooting pains on my head and my eyes hurt and my head feels heavy. I've drank a lot of water. Putting stuff in my stomach makes me feel worse temporarily.

Symptoms in the middle of the nigh

I woke up around 4am which is normal. The first thing I noticed is my monthly recurrent soar throat has come back. My eyes hurt and feel dry and inflamed. The usual hand numbness is present with tingling in my arms. I have indigestion and feel very hot but no fever. I get up to take 1000mg vitamin c with some crackers and realize that the dizziness has returned as well as the general spaciness. I walk upstairs feeling very frustrated. I notice a heat sensation coming over my body around my chest, head and neck. I lie down and try to go back to sleep feeling sick like I have a cold without any congestion. My stomach feels nauseous and tender.

I have an extreme sensitivity to medications. Antidepressants make give me extreme stomach upset and pain. Pain medications as benign as Aleve cause stomach pain. Sedatives (benzodiazapines, seroquel, zyprexa, etc.) make the numbness and in my hands worse. I will wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night in panic from intense numbness.

This has forced me into a natural approach.

I take Spiralina 1 tbsp in the morning in a large bottle of water. 1000mg vitamin c and 4000mg vitamin d 500 mg magnesium. I observe a gluten free diet.
I suspect inflammation is an issue.
Too much sugar or processed foods make everything worse.

I haven't had any alcohol for 4 months

5th Chakra, Hypothyroidism, Endometriosis and Pituitary

A year ago an inner voice say the word "pituitary".  6 months ago another said "endometriosis".

I had another very interesting nudge from the universe again this morning. I have very intense fatigue, faintness, random pains, muscle aches, tingling, and so on. The nights and mornings this is most apparent. Endometriosis doesn't explain all this, and the doc told me that yesterday.
This morning I asked for guidance on my health issues. All I heard was "5th Chakra". I looked it up and it is the throat chakra. I remembered a year and a half ago I was diagnosed borderline hypothyroid (low). It wasn't far enough out of range for treatments. I consulted Dr. Yourself.com for supplement advice and found this very illuminating information:

"These all-too-common symptoms include fatigue, depression, weight gain, insomnia, difficult menopause, endometriosis, and quite a variety of others including arthritis and rheumatic complaints, low sex drive, infertility, and skin problems. Many, many persons are therefore “uncomfortable but still normal.”
...
"Since a “normal” or even somewhat high T-4 can coexist with the symptoms of low thyroid function, do not accept a test for T-4 alone. Insist on T-3 testing as well, and pay special attention to it. TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) testing will almost always be done. High TSH levels “means that the brain and pituitary (gland) are asking for more thyroid hormone.” (p 62) (By the way, “pituitary” was left out of the index, and should be added.) The authors consider any TSH number over 3.0 to be “suspicious, and anything over 4.0 merits treatment” if symptoms are present (p 75)."
http://www.doctoryourself.com/thyroid.html

5th chakra is throat where thyroid is located. Thyroid disorders cause endometriosis. The pituitary is the master gland that causes thyroid disorders, which causes endometriosis. It's all a very strange coincidence.

Vishuda (5th Chakra)

Endometriosis Surgery Pending

Yesterday I went to Mayo Clinic for a gynecological visit. They confirmed what Dr. JK felt, that I have endometriosis.  Lapriscopic surgery and possible removal of fibroid tumors is scheduled for the 4th of September.  I suspect the endometrial tissue has spilled over into more areas of the abdomen than they suspect. I feel it in my colon, my stomach bowels and sometimes chest. But I'm not so sure about the chest part.

I am healing

I eventually had to make a complete switch off the lirazepam onto valium. I am recovering rapidly. The aggression has left me. My abdominal and female pain is leaving. Blood sugar is leveling. I've been spending time reading and talking with my family. Sanity is returning. I am not in constant physical and mental agony. I am so grateful. Im moving out of my parents house and in with my partner. School is starting. I am healing.

Reactivation of the soul and reconsiliation of the spirit.

When I took medications the drugs became my joy but my mind and my soul stopped their progression. My body began to deteriorate. I could not receive any light through them so they did not grow. Everything had the illusion of light as the drug was always in me. As I come off medications I begin to be able to distinguish between that which feeds me and that which defiles me. I am able to receive light through my mind and my body and it can truly penetrate my soul and I begin to reconnect with spirit once again. Oh great spirit, how I have missed you. Let me not lose you again.

Soul: your personal fragmentment spiritual experience. Soul splits off from spirit and creates the person. Or animal. Or plant.
Spirit: the breath of life. The source of all life. That which makes the trees grow our hearts beat and the planets rotate inwhich we are all connected and a part.

Lorazepam withdrawal continued

I hate this crap. I wasn't able to get help in the er or from the psychiatrist. They both say its not possible to have the withdrawal coming off a mg and a half of use or the allergies im having. I told the doctor in the er to not give advice for things she doesn't understand. The ignorance around these medications is astounding. I had to go back up to .5 mg for the last three days to get rid of the intolerable withdrawals which are dizziness like being in an earthquake numbness and bloodsugar drop. Taking .5 means my stomach and abdominal pain has returned, I feel aggressive and my temperature rises a couple degrees I feel hot and nauseous and my eyes dry out. It's almost worse than the withdrawal. So after three days back on .5 I am going to split .25 up throughout a 24 hour period. I also have some valium so if I feel insane I will take a small dose of that to numb me out a bit and sleep. Its better to be addicted to valium as I don't have an allergy to it but I don't plan on really making an equivalent switch over to the valium. I just cannot stay on this lorazepam it is killing me. Here we go.

Lorazrpam withdrawal

Im in the emergency room trying to get help getting off of lorazepam. I'm having intense withdrawal symptoms that got most severe the last couple weeks. Its been hard to get help. Ive been hillucinating and having severe dizziness and tingling. I finally called 911 when my father assaulted me when i asked him to take me to a detox center. I didnt tell them what happened with my dad. He unplugged the phone when i called 911. I had to run outside to find service. Im still upset about it. I hope to enter a detox for a couple days so i can work out some of theses issues before i go back into an unstable environment.


4:53 AM
Had to take .4 lorazepam to stop withdrawal. Took 5 mg valium earlier. About to to take 1 mg valium to get some rest.

homeopathic success and setback

It was last Saturday that I had the inclination to try once more the last homeopathic remedy that was prescribed to me by my homeopath maybe 4 months ago.  It was Platina Metallicum 6c. It was nothing short of a miracle what happened. I was overcome by calm (me calm?) and fell asleep without Ativan and slept through the night. It gave me the incentive to go off of the Ativan, suddenly I felt stronger and knew that the benzodiazapine was a toxic force in my life. So I began to taper, and alternate each night between the remedy and the benzodiazapine. Each night I took the remedy at around 5 AM when I was free of toothpaste or food complications.  My depression began to lessen. Clarity of thought returned. Anxiety reduced. It worked miraculously every time.  Every time until the fourth time. Last night, Tuesday August 6th I took the remedy at around 2 in the AM because I couldn't sleep. When I grabbed the bottle I saw a flash of red. I took my two pellets under my tongue as usual and after not being able to sleep, clonked out.
But it was different this time. Not so peaceful. I had a dream that I wanted to know what it would be like to die and jumped from a rooftop. When I hit the ground I felt stuck in a thick gravity, compounded with high anxiety. This sort of crazy anxiety I hadn't felt since I started the remedy. My sleep was disturbed. I slept for 12 hours. Then tonight I took the Ativan I had been alternating. I'm having a very difficult time getting off of it. I found it did not make me tired, but instead made my anxiety worse, and is accompanied by heat sensations in my body. I can literally feel the heat where the Ativan goes. Stomach and then ends up in the back of my neck. Always things with the back of the neck. I have a similar heightened anxiety response to antidepressants and other supposedly sedating medications. This night I keep waking up with the panic and pressure in the back of my neck again. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I was on a roll. I even saw a shooting star after taking the remedy the first time when I walked out my parents' front door.  I thought my prayers had been answered.
I feel somewhat spiritually guided, and I thought I had figured out at least part of the puzzle. This is so confusing. I think my nervous system has been triggered by the serotonin syndrome a year ago and now it's as though I am a different animal. My chemistry is highly reactive. I emailed the homeopath who I was once receiving free advice from and she requests payment, as she rightfully should. Every move is complicated by money issues. I don't have any. I go to doctors appointments and don't pay.
I pray for guidance once again. For a solution to this complicated problem. Let me know the way. Amen.

Update: I was able to normalize by antidoting with ChinaGel which contains camphor in it. I put it on my neck and heart. Fell asleep afterwards. Grateful.

notes symptoms

7/26/2013 (Friday)
Stomach and pelvic pain during day. Bloating.

7 pm- a lot of nausea and pelvic pain. At a lot of birthday cake. Not a good idea? Seroquel 10 mg in PM.

7/27/2013 (Saturday)
Took Seroquel last night for the second night, about 15 mg of the XR chewed up. Was able to sleep well, woke up feeling ok. But did wake up a few times and my hands and arms were very very numb. Then began to feel that familiar aggressive, agitated, super angry crazy MAD state that I felt a week or so ago when I took the Trazadone. I don't know why this happens. I'm very disappointed, I thought this was working.

Stomach & colin cramping at breakfast and pelvic pain throughout the day. It is now 2:00 pm.

do i fight or do i accept?

I often times don't know what to do. Is it wiser to fight or to accept that it's just time for your life to come to an end? I know I'm sick and I'm not getting better. I know they don't know what's wrong with me. I know that school starts in a month and I'm not going to be able to make it through the way I'm feeling. I know that's the only way I have enough money to be able to go to the doctor, or to have health insurance, is to be in school. I know that I'm hurting everyone around me. I know that it's hard on my family and my boyfriend for them to see me like this and not be able to help me or fix it.

I really miss my home. I miss where I grew up. I miss the way I used to feel and the person I used to be. I miss familiar things. I feel like it's all lost. I miss my family, even though they are around me. I miss they I used to feel around them and the way I used to be able to make them feel. I miss myself, and my world. I miss the feeling of stability, of gravity, and of sanity. I wish I knew if it would be better to fight or accept.

dr. am bust

Had appointment with intern Dr. AM today. Did not like him. He stated he might not be able to help me, and wanted to see me in 3-4 weeks. Not soon enough. He also didn't want to hear about any female issues. Generally not a good personality match. Am going to try Internist Dr. SH on August 6th.

Took 20mg Seroquel, left over samples, at 3:43 Am this morning. I'm beginning to become very hopeless about my situation. I'm very tired of not sleeping well. I hope God can hear me and is helping to lead me out of this.

Was surprised to hear how skinny I've become. Been getting a lot of feedback on that lately.

My eyes are killing me and are all red.

i miss being able to take medication

It's a strange world because most people with depression in this modern world are medicated.  It's sort of a thing of the past.  When you're the one person who can't take the medications, it's very surreal. It kind of feels like being in a time warp, or on your own planet. I imagine in the past people with depression all hung out.  They had stuff to talk about. The inability to turn away emotionally and the triggering circumstances of everyday life as well as blatant injustices in our world probably prompted them to find effective outlets and each other.  I look at the work of people like Edvard Munch and I just see a person trying to cope. He eventually got shock therapy in his 80's.  Everyone with that sort of sensitivity is high on meds now. I miss being high on meds.  There's a lot less understanding for untreated depression.  Even from doctors.  They can't accept that it isn't a possibility.  I miss being one of the cured. I miss being able to say "Oh I understand that, I have depression too." but not still being in it. I miss having forgotten what it's like.
Something is eating my brain. Something is eating my body. Still no diagnosis. Another day. I went to the doctor on Monday and she examined my cervix. She said just touching it made it bleed. Nurse called with lab results and nothing abnormal. I hate not knowing what this is.
My mind locks up a lot.  It's like there's so much stress going on that everything freezes. I can't think straight.  I can't tell if the mental stuff causes the physical stuff or not. I know that Ativan works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. I know that this comes in cycles. I know that when I'm emotionally sick, I'm also physically sick. It's so confusing.
Vitamins have helped me a lot. But they aren't helping enough.  I've gone through boughts of mega-dosing to try to cure myself. Eventually I get too nauseous and have to stop, but my brain heals a bit every time. But foods and vitamins have become an obsession, because I'm trying to find the cure. And nothing has worked yet.

gyno dr. jk apt. notes

Friday Received news by email from dr. Mjb that during pelvic ultrasound on friday at mc begnign cysts were found and no further follow up was needed.
Apt
8:40 w Dr. Jk. 
Pain where the left ovarian cyst is. Pain all around that area. Radiating to colon? Nausea. Bleeding during sex, skin is breaking. And really bad pain on thursday to the point i couldnt move.
Jk says she ran polycystic ovarian syndrome tests as well as hormones before. Iron deficiency and autoimmune normal.
Cortisal .... hiv and syphalis, everything normal
Call her after menses starts to retest pelvic ultrasound

trazadone was a bad choice

I usually take a low dose of ativan to help me sleep and last night I was out so took about 15 mg of my boyfriend's Trazadone. I woke up Saturday morning to a familiar type of torture.  Extreme agitation and anxiety.  It runs up my spin and into my brain. This is the devil inside me, a fried hypersensitivity that lights up when triggered by the wrong thing.  That tends to happen with antidepressants, some are worse than others.  I'm noticing serotonin antagonists are not a good thing for me.  Seroquel, Vibryd, and now Trazadone have caused this same reaction, all antagonists of certain serotonin receptors.  Trazadone blocks or antagonizes the 5HT2A receptor. I believe when I took the Staphysagria I damaged some of my receptor cites. It's important when find a medication I don't activate the wrong one.

It's extremely painful. I woke up at 7 and had to run outside and weep.  What has happened to me?  I used to be able to take these things and they were helpful.  It causes great despair.  And I need help for my depression so it feels like a trap.  What is the answer?

i'm dying, nice to meet you.

I'm sick. Really sick. I got serotonin syndrome while switching antidepressants and taking a homeopathic remedy a year ago to try to deal with some preexisting health issues and I nearly exploded. Ever since then I have been struggling to get a proper diagnosis and get some help.  It's a thick issue, and I need somewhere to vent where nobody knows who I am so I'm not hurting anyone around me.  I've almost thrown myself in front of traffic a few times. I used to take medication for depression but now when I try to take them I get side effects that nobody's ever seen before. It's a pretty ugly picture.

Here's some of my symptoms:

Stomach and colin pain and cramping. Sensitivities to foods, caffeine, can't take most medications, even aspirin.
Pelvic pain and bleeding (not menstruation)
Dizziness, head pressure, pressure in back of neck. See spots, lights, etc.
Numbness in the extremities, especially at night.
Eye irritation, itching. Can't wear contacts anymore.
Nausea.
Fatigue, general weakness.
Emotionally I feel angry and anxious all the time.
Lost a lot of weight. But really hungry.

When I try to take antidepressants:

I become agitated, first of all.
develop either intense stomach or pelvic pain, not sure which it is, over time. (about a week)
some sort of skin reaction will occur such as rashes and boils
intense dreams to the point where I can't wake up.  And they're beyond nightmares.  Like dysphoric agitated mania type status.
All sorts of pain in my head that feels really really wrong.
Neurological shitstorm.

I'm a very unstable person.  I hide it well.  When this first happened, I let the crazy out. I even went to a free emergency clinic where they diagnosed me bipolar.  That's since been removed. Now I've learned to operate without making it obvious that half of my soul is caught in a dimension of chaos.  I wish it was bipolar.  That's how horrible and complex this is.  It's so bad I am jealous of my friend who's bipolar. She has a clear diagnosis and treatment plan.  I on the other hand, am lost at sea.