I have been striving since 2011. To fix myself. To get off prescription drugs, and become self sufficient. I have been striving to take care of myself, but most fruitfully, to become aware of myself and become better. Which lead me quickly back on a spiritual path, to my roots as a follower of Jesus Christ, as I found that transformation begins within.
What had been unexpected was to find that to truly be well, I had to give up relying on outside markers as a way of gauging my value as a person. And I still long for freedom. I know that I've been suffering for the last few years, and have experienced very deep pain over two factors contributing to my feelings of failure; One being to have a solid and unwavering skill and therefore value in the marketplace (or a good career), and to be a married woman. The second tests my faith more than the first. And while goals are good, and they are needed, ironically, they have repeatedly driven me into despair and also into some very poor decisions on behalf of attaining those goals.
And so I realize that I still am not relying fully on Christ's sacrifice to derive my true value. The problem with placing my worth in these other things is that I will look down on a person who doesn't have a good job. Or I will look down on a woman or man who isn't married, if these are my qualifying factors for maturity. Maybe spiritual maturity is deeper than that, to recognize the value in every human being the way Christ did, because he loved them. Maybe I want that type of freedom. Not to be unaware, or ignorant, but to just be cool with the process, and to experience joy in the journey. Right now I suffer deeply over who has what. And I don't want that. I want freedom in Christ. The pain is too much to bear, and it is constantly getting me down. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be free.
"9 Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister[a] is still in the darkness. 10 Anyone who loves their brother and sister[b] lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. 11 But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them."
1 John 9:2
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Finding The Father In The Female Mind
I look for the Father most of the time, and more often than not, I find my self lost.
When the Father told me that I had Jesus, to focus on the sick and myself, and to believe, I started to run. I ran from this enlightening concept, that we don't receive the light from outside ourselves, but the light shines within. I found myself in a more pitiful state than the last.
What is God, remains the question more so than others. Because we may not believe in God, but we are driven by belief. Mostly in money, and it's power, because it is real. But is nothing new? God is new to the tired eyes, because we've seen only darkness around, but then the light shines on the darkness, and the source is internal.
I had this before I faced my death. Death of self, death of relationships, and most days I feel so unable, and so lost. There is no more parental figure, no brother to cower to, and so I search for the God on Earth and I see men and rape culture, breeding and I have let myself stabilize in a role. This is the thing I am working out with my current boyfriend, who I am holding onto, but who, I have come to know, I love. He may not need my love, but I need to love him. Perhaps I am excusing myself from expecting my current mission to unfold as it was, perhaps I have taken a side step, and perhaps this is a goal of love and peace. Perhaps I see the signs, the rose, the star. My challenge, and my failure, is always to see that I am God's son; Being a woman creates a dissonance that pervades the perceptual landscape. Be with me, I ask my friend, he makes me new. I suffer silently in the haze of adult life, oh to be a female, what a sad state I am in.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Information
"become love: 64"
"Think about it" why god would force his favorite human to be exiled and killed
"To buy you." Remembering that the leader of this world has been judged.
My interpretation of all this is that we experience the inadequacy of Earth and human behavior because it is inadequate, and as Christians we are being taught by the father that as he informs us the body and soul is informed and the physical world is redeemed. As god relates to us through jesus, so must we relate to the world in order to change it.
64 comes from the number 8 squared. As god created the earth in 7 days and on the 7th day he/ we rest, 8 is the end of one cycle and the birth of a new one symbolizing the recurring cycled of reality. 8 squared is the number 64 which is a mathematical product that always appears when 2 dimensions or information (think the word) becomes manifest as a whole and becomes form, known as the 64 tetrahedron grid ( look it up). So therein the Word of God informs us and transforms or overcomes our physical nature. So this is scientific evidence that taking part in a holy commitment can change the very surface of who we are starting at a fundamental, informative level.
"Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of god." Mathew
"Unless you eat my flesh, and drink my blood, you will not overcome." John
"This is my body, broken for you. This my blood, poured out for you, and the cup of the new covenant. Do this in remembrance of me."
Saturday, February 28, 2015
free at last: all presciption medication addiction healed
I have been off of all psychotropic medications since last April 1st, and as of about two weeks ago, I think it was February 18th, 2015, I stopped the Ivabradine medication to control my heart rate for the so called POTS Syndrome. I also look to fish oil as my primary antidepressant, mood booster and mental stamina crutch. I am employed, was hired as an assistant to a web designer part time, who they ended up firing, and now I am in a full time position leading my department. I'm really grateful to be moving forward in my life, and to be safe, it's been a hard struggle.
Today is the 28th, so I've been 10 days clean of drugs. This is the first time for me since probably I was 14 to just be not taking chemical compounds to redirect my body. I'm just happy to be there. It's a process, learning to adjust to life again and to deal with people and to healing my own body. I'm super tired, but I am gaining strength. Being out working is making me more open and it's causing me to naturally move towards the things that are most healthy. Having goals is important, and learning the trade of business, advertising, and web building strategy and design has really great implications for projects in the future that can be focused toward explaining to people how to get off drugs and how to truly take care of themselves.
I still have problems but I'm on the path. I know now that I'm going to get there. And that's kind of like the most important thing. I don't really expect other people to know what I'm going through anymore. I don't expect them to save me. I expect the answers to come from inside me, and some help to come from the outside, but always in that order. I obviously am not an island. But I'm starting to move away from the old dependencies that were implicate for me. And this, getting off of medications, is symbolically for me the foundation of that freedom.
I don't want to be under rule anymore. I'm tired of society, doctors, teachers, elder figures and peers telling me what's right for me. I think that the way things are set up today is wrong, and it's really up to the individual to know that and start working on owning this life. And that's half the battle. I think we all know it. We know it's not right. But we fear the change and we fear abandonment. I was thrown into abandonment, because my body's reactions went outside of the boundaries of the norm, so my ideas of the medical model shattered and that has been the catalyst for me to start searching for meaning beyond the surface that we so thoughtfully misrepresent as a society. We are an advertising culture. We weave stories about who we are and what is is all the time, and it's a matter of capital. The true meaning of capital is "head", and that's just it, that we have put a false persona or false idol in place of true meaning. We can't see. I know this. I cannot see what's right in front of me most of the time. I am very aware of my programming at this point and I intend to overcome that illusion and see things for their true worth.
I think media has cost society a great deal. Not that we should get rid of it, but we need to kind of respect it for what it is. It's a tool, a social behavioral tool that causes pavlovian responses. I see it so much, just how mainstreamed culture can be. It really makes me sad to see us lose our unique selves. I'm not into it. I want to be different. Forever. We all have universal parts of self, whether it be love or anger, compassion or the need to find meaning in life, we have enough of a base to become who we are, by ourselves, on an individual basis. I don't want to be a lemming in a society where the leaders are pop icons who drink themselves to death. I want to discover something new in every person and love them for it. That's the awesomeness.
I finally made it. I haven't left home yet, which I regret, but I'm taking the time to earn my wages and to get better at my job and learn to be a leader. I'm still in the 3 month probation period and I think it's too early to ask for a raise, not to mention that I want to make sure I present as useful as to stay with the company. In the mean time I also need to work more on exercising. I'm so tired and my work is an hour away, as is most everything I do from this god forsaken rich community that out lies normal society because nobody here wants to contribute to life anymore unless it's behind close doors or on a golf course. Ridiculous. This is how people get sick, seriously.
Anyway, I will continue to blog now that I've settled into a better rhythm, and am learning new things. I'm letting go of a lot of old ties. I think a lot of the friends I've had didn't really believe in me when I got sick and I don't need it. So that's another goal of mine is learning to protect myself from misleading individuals, like my most recent male relationships, which all went down in flames despite the fact that I became more serving to them as I went down the line. It seems to be that it may not be me that's causing the distress, but rather, the people who's minds I'm marrying into by wasting my time and my physical body with these complete assholes who have nothing ahead of them. Fuck them.
Ahead of me: to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy days are finally coming.
Today is the 28th, so I've been 10 days clean of drugs. This is the first time for me since probably I was 14 to just be not taking chemical compounds to redirect my body. I'm just happy to be there. It's a process, learning to adjust to life again and to deal with people and to healing my own body. I'm super tired, but I am gaining strength. Being out working is making me more open and it's causing me to naturally move towards the things that are most healthy. Having goals is important, and learning the trade of business, advertising, and web building strategy and design has really great implications for projects in the future that can be focused toward explaining to people how to get off drugs and how to truly take care of themselves.
I still have problems but I'm on the path. I know now that I'm going to get there. And that's kind of like the most important thing. I don't really expect other people to know what I'm going through anymore. I don't expect them to save me. I expect the answers to come from inside me, and some help to come from the outside, but always in that order. I obviously am not an island. But I'm starting to move away from the old dependencies that were implicate for me. And this, getting off of medications, is symbolically for me the foundation of that freedom.
I don't want to be under rule anymore. I'm tired of society, doctors, teachers, elder figures and peers telling me what's right for me. I think that the way things are set up today is wrong, and it's really up to the individual to know that and start working on owning this life. And that's half the battle. I think we all know it. We know it's not right. But we fear the change and we fear abandonment. I was thrown into abandonment, because my body's reactions went outside of the boundaries of the norm, so my ideas of the medical model shattered and that has been the catalyst for me to start searching for meaning beyond the surface that we so thoughtfully misrepresent as a society. We are an advertising culture. We weave stories about who we are and what is is all the time, and it's a matter of capital. The true meaning of capital is "head", and that's just it, that we have put a false persona or false idol in place of true meaning. We can't see. I know this. I cannot see what's right in front of me most of the time. I am very aware of my programming at this point and I intend to overcome that illusion and see things for their true worth.
I think media has cost society a great deal. Not that we should get rid of it, but we need to kind of respect it for what it is. It's a tool, a social behavioral tool that causes pavlovian responses. I see it so much, just how mainstreamed culture can be. It really makes me sad to see us lose our unique selves. I'm not into it. I want to be different. Forever. We all have universal parts of self, whether it be love or anger, compassion or the need to find meaning in life, we have enough of a base to become who we are, by ourselves, on an individual basis. I don't want to be a lemming in a society where the leaders are pop icons who drink themselves to death. I want to discover something new in every person and love them for it. That's the awesomeness.
I finally made it. I haven't left home yet, which I regret, but I'm taking the time to earn my wages and to get better at my job and learn to be a leader. I'm still in the 3 month probation period and I think it's too early to ask for a raise, not to mention that I want to make sure I present as useful as to stay with the company. In the mean time I also need to work more on exercising. I'm so tired and my work is an hour away, as is most everything I do from this god forsaken rich community that out lies normal society because nobody here wants to contribute to life anymore unless it's behind close doors or on a golf course. Ridiculous. This is how people get sick, seriously.
Anyway, I will continue to blog now that I've settled into a better rhythm, and am learning new things. I'm letting go of a lot of old ties. I think a lot of the friends I've had didn't really believe in me when I got sick and I don't need it. So that's another goal of mine is learning to protect myself from misleading individuals, like my most recent male relationships, which all went down in flames despite the fact that I became more serving to them as I went down the line. It seems to be that it may not be me that's causing the distress, but rather, the people who's minds I'm marrying into by wasting my time and my physical body with these complete assholes who have nothing ahead of them. Fuck them.
Ahead of me: to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy days are finally coming.
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