Coming off antidepressants and benzodiazepines: a new creature

I have been in the long struggle of coming off these medications for a long time. The main reason is because it has changed my personality to a great degree, and I haven't been comfortable with facing the new creature I'm becoming because of it. The main thing is I'm much more sensitive. That may be an understatement. But there are up sides to this type of sensitivity. One is I'm much more inclined to get out of an unhealthy situation. The second, I now am regaining skills I had lost when I went on the medications 14 years ago. I'm actually able to retain information. I am shocked to be understanding my online responsive web design class.
I initially tried to quickly cram my consciousness back into the medication box because, besides the hell of withdrawal, the new mind is set free into a state of tension. It's uncomfortable. It's not like being born into a loving mother's arms with rites of passage and all the time in the world to figure out who you are. It's being born again an adult, being expected to take care of yourself, to interact smoothly in interpersonal relationships, and to already have built up buffering systems for the harsh realities of life. And being on a path that very few choose, so there is an element of feeling completely alone and unable to relate to others. I'm hoping this will find anyone who's walking this path.
Again, once the decision is made to make the jump, there are new tools and gifts to help you find your way. I found this new mind likes to figure things out. I get relief and great satisfaction from solving a problem. And I'm now actually able to pull all the information together in such a way to do so. Thus, creativity is coming back to me. I can't help but wonder if this tension was there all along, I was just numb to it. I can't help but wonder if this tension is the tension of real emotional work that I had neglected, and very desperately needed to do my whole life. I am running with that idea right now. And it has been beneficial. When I look at my anxiety and depression through the eyes of modern psychiatry (not necessarily psychology), it is a problem, a flaw that needs to be corrected, and is something I shouldn't have to deal with and will ruin my life. When I look at it from this new perspective, it gives me power and a direction. It is actually the means to a life. But it is a challenge, because it means I have to change my whole life. I have had to change the way I eat, I have had to learn to disconnect from toxic and time consuming relationships with men, and I have had to learn to face my beliefs and emotions. I have had to change my heros and find mental narratives that ultimately lead to something positive. I basically have to rewrite the script. Being off medication means a lot of things. It means a long withdrawal period and a lot of misunderstanding by those around you. It means a lot of confusion and pain. But once that's settled, it means that I now have to trade in a life that did not fit who I really am that medication made me ok with, while turning over my creative and intellectual abilities, for a life that is very intentional, and ultimately my own. It's really hard. It's like doing14 years of work all at once, or over the span of a few years. It means feeling brand new, and revisiting my frustrations with compassion over and over. It also means victories and the slow evolution of a self realization and true autonomy. And it does mean giving into a kinder bigger picture, and letting go of ideas that don't feed me as a person, even if they are popular. I have to accept the parts of self I tried so slam down with medications for 14 whole years. I was told my whole life by man well educated, white coated and seemingly intelligent individuals that I was happy to allow solve my problems with a prescription that it can't be done. But I am still here, and one way or another, I am doing it.

Going off remeron and valium

I am down to 0.25mg valium. I feel every adjustment i make. I am going to stop the remeron i was put on in the hospital. It helped me at first but over time it has made me more paranoid. Such is my pattern with antidepressants these days. I pray this is the solution god wants for me bc i have tried everything else. My body does not tolerate psych meds anymore. I will keep my knees bent. I will go back on it if i need to but at this point, only taking 7.5mg and having more trouble driving my car and dealing with panic than before i started, I think its done more harm than good. I know god needs me and my perspective so there must be a way to health. I am sure of it. Just have to try and have faith.

Love let me go where you go

This has been the craziest two years of my life. I still cant wrap my head around what's happened. It has been so exhausting. I don't know if I have truly rested since. I miss being able to. It feels like there is an endless flow of energy and activity running through me at all times. It feels overwhelming like it is unsafe to let down a vigilant posture. At times lately, I have felt more like myself. Like an old me or a real me that extends further back than two years ago. But that feeling of true self is competing for space in my consciousness with this new, unrelenting activity. Like I'm living out two realities at once, or gradually shifting from one to the other. It's an experience that words can't truly describe, but a divided sense of reality is probably as close as im going to get. I am grateful to be reintegrating whole parts of self, and the spaciousness, emptiness is rejuvenating. Its not empty like the vacancy of loss, but full like the emptiness of the sky, full with the knowledge granted in the ethers. The implications of existence that occur without extension or effort. Just the inheritance of interconnectedness, oneness. Love. The support of the universe. I always forget its there until its there again and then I am it.
The tension always builds in my chest. My heart holds the pressure of many places. Many conversations. It can all dissolve so easily. I never knew space travel would be so complicated. Like riding a wild horse. My mind dictates the course and i haven't learned to let my mind be still yet. All this was always happen just now i see. I see love. Part of a web. I cant find the source of love. I look for it in the pictures of past lovers. I can never arrive at a destination. It is never there. Maybe its because love is always moving, kind of the way my spirit does now. Maybe i can learn to go where love goes. Then i would always be free, always be empty, always open wide, and always at rest. Love, let me go where you go.