I have been off of all psychotropic medications since last April 1st, and as of about two weeks ago, I think it was February 18th, 2015, I stopped the Ivabradine medication to control my heart rate for the so called POTS Syndrome. I also look to fish oil as my primary antidepressant, mood booster and mental stamina crutch. I am employed, was hired as an assistant to a web designer part time, who they ended up firing, and now I am in a full time position leading my department. I'm really grateful to be moving forward in my life, and to be safe, it's been a hard struggle.
Today is the 28th, so I've been 10 days clean of drugs. This is the first time for me since probably I was 14 to just be not taking chemical compounds to redirect my body. I'm just happy to be there. It's a process, learning to adjust to life again and to deal with people and to healing my own body. I'm super tired, but I am gaining strength. Being out working is making me more open and it's causing me to naturally move towards the things that are most healthy. Having goals is important, and learning the trade of business, advertising, and web building strategy and design has really great implications for projects in the future that can be focused toward explaining to people how to get off drugs and how to truly take care of themselves.
I still have problems but I'm on the path. I know now that I'm going to get there. And that's kind of like the most important thing. I don't really expect other people to know what I'm going through anymore. I don't expect them to save me. I expect the answers to come from inside me, and some help to come from the outside, but always in that order. I obviously am not an island. But I'm starting to move away from the old dependencies that were implicate for me. And this, getting off of medications, is symbolically for me the foundation of that freedom.
I don't want to be under rule anymore. I'm tired of society, doctors, teachers, elder figures and peers telling me what's right for me. I think that the way things are set up today is wrong, and it's really up to the individual to know that and start working on owning this life. And that's half the battle. I think we all know it. We know it's not right. But we fear the change and we fear abandonment. I was thrown into abandonment, because my body's reactions went outside of the boundaries of the norm, so my ideas of the medical model shattered and that has been the catalyst for me to start searching for meaning beyond the surface that we so thoughtfully misrepresent as a society. We are an advertising culture. We weave stories about who we are and what is is all the time, and it's a matter of capital. The true meaning of capital is "head", and that's just it, that we have put a false persona or false idol in place of true meaning. We can't see. I know this. I cannot see what's right in front of me most of the time. I am very aware of my programming at this point and I intend to overcome that illusion and see things for their true worth.
I think media has cost society a great deal. Not that we should get rid of it, but we need to kind of respect it for what it is. It's a tool, a social behavioral tool that causes pavlovian responses. I see it so much, just how mainstreamed culture can be. It really makes me sad to see us lose our unique selves. I'm not into it. I want to be different. Forever. We all have universal parts of self, whether it be love or anger, compassion or the need to find meaning in life, we have enough of a base to become who we are, by ourselves, on an individual basis. I don't want to be a lemming in a society where the leaders are pop icons who drink themselves to death. I want to discover something new in every person and love them for it. That's the awesomeness.
I finally made it. I haven't left home yet, which I regret, but I'm taking the time to earn my wages and to get better at my job and learn to be a leader. I'm still in the 3 month probation period and I think it's too early to ask for a raise, not to mention that I want to make sure I present as useful as to stay with the company. In the mean time I also need to work more on exercising. I'm so tired and my work is an hour away, as is most everything I do from this god forsaken rich community that out lies normal society because nobody here wants to contribute to life anymore unless it's behind close doors or on a golf course. Ridiculous. This is how people get sick, seriously.
Anyway, I will continue to blog now that I've settled into a better rhythm, and am learning new things. I'm letting go of a lot of old ties. I think a lot of the friends I've had didn't really believe in me when I got sick and I don't need it. So that's another goal of mine is learning to protect myself from misleading individuals, like my most recent male relationships, which all went down in flames despite the fact that I became more serving to them as I went down the line. It seems to be that it may not be me that's causing the distress, but rather, the people who's minds I'm marrying into by wasting my time and my physical body with these complete assholes who have nothing ahead of them. Fuck them.
Ahead of me: to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy days are finally coming.
