When the Father told me that I had Jesus, to focus on the sick and myself, and to believe, I started to run. I ran from this enlightening concept, that we don't receive the light from outside ourselves, but the light shines within. I found myself in a more pitiful state than the last.
What is God, remains the question more so than others. Because we may not believe in God, but we are driven by belief. Mostly in money, and it's power, because it is real. But is nothing new? God is new to the tired eyes, because we've seen only darkness around, but then the light shines on the darkness, and the source is internal.
I had this before I faced my death. Death of self, death of relationships, and most days I feel so unable, and so lost. There is no more parental figure, no brother to cower to, and so I search for the God on Earth and I see men and rape culture, breeding and I have let myself stabilize in a role. This is the thing I am working out with my current boyfriend, who I am holding onto, but who, I have come to know, I love. He may not need my love, but I need to love him. Perhaps I am excusing myself from expecting my current mission to unfold as it was, perhaps I have taken a side step, and perhaps this is a goal of love and peace. Perhaps I see the signs, the rose, the star. My challenge, and my failure, is always to see that I am God's son; Being a woman creates a dissonance that pervades the perceptual landscape. Be with me, I ask my friend, he makes me new. I suffer silently in the haze of adult life, oh to be a female, what a sad state I am in.
