There is a bitterness in me that I don't like. A lack of compassion that excuses my behavior. An energy of violence that reaches into me. I don't know where it came from, but I don't like what it is.
I want to find my true self. The self that isn't ignorant or blind, but sees the conflict, feels the strife, and choses the light in every situation. I want to find the true warrior, the priest in myself, the saint, the hero. I heard in an evangelical church this summer that this was the year of crossing over. And if I had one wish, this would be it. To find the hero in me. The true hero. To finally get my crown, a crown of love, of honor. Of God's good will for us all. I want to be a person that believes in what's right, in something that gives to all people. That doesn't discriminate, that forgives, that's real. That sprite that was in me before I fell into my baggage, before I went through the dark night. I want it back, back stronger and more powerful than any hatred, any greed, any terror. I want my life back. I want life again.
That's my prayer. God help me. Amen.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Learning to eat again and off of prescription medications
Learning to eat again, I have to examine my unconscious mind. I'm finding that, in order to heal, I must first examine the emotional turmoil that is stopping my mind and body from having proper responses to food. Where as a healthy person would it a food, and have an association in direct response to the food they ate and the subsequent experience they have, I myself experience free association and an onslaught of internal messages that cause me to spin round and round, and often times give up. Sometimes I make food and find myself presenting it to others to eat. I often don't eat the food.
Here are the words I think when trying to buy foods or eat them:
Diet. Too much. Slow Down. Starve. Die. Give Back. Spoiled. Calm Down.
I have "pots" syndrome, but it's just a word, and gives me many excuses to be critical about food. I've gone to the extreme, while coming off my prescribed psych meds in an effort to fully heal, I pretty much starved myself on an extreme diet. I was gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, organic. While it may be helpful for some, and probably a physically healthy choice, emotionally it was a disaster for me and the emotions took a toll my health as I dropped to less than 100 pounds. I looked like a chemo patient.
I woke up today and went and got McDonalds. Egg McMuffin and hashbrowns. I used to love McDonald's. I know it's not good for you. And I thought of the people who would chastise me for it, and I heard the words of I listed above, and I did it anyway. I am tired of living afraid of everything and having no sense of self.
I went to the grocery store and bought myself everything that looked good to me. Chocolate cake slice, pound cake, organic chocolate chip cookies, pomegranate, orange, apple juice, a non organic coconut oil in a plastic jar, bagels, potatoes, jiffy peanut butter with hydrogenated oil. Organic chicken nuggets. I took them upstairs.
My mother tends to overreact to food. She calls herself a "foodie" which drives me insane. Basically, she has to talk everything out around food. And I've taken on that trait in other ways. Her messages interceded with my own in childhood and I learned that being skinny was a very precious thing. I believe that I dissociated from my feelings of hunger pretty early on, as well as most of my feelings. For that reason I've been oblivious to the fact that I have what is called an eating disorder, "not otherwise specified". In effect, I don't feel hunger. Instead I feel a really strong sense of uneasiness, emotional confusion, perhaps a desire to control, and a sense of being overwhelmed. I'm having a really hard time processing basic feelings. So I'm learning to do this separate from other people, which is what I never learned before. This is probably why I cook food and bring it to others for approval.
I had a memory this morning, of a safe place for me, that I felt as a child. I generally don't feel safe places of aloneness. When I was a kid, on Saturdays, like today, I could go into my parents room with a pop tart and watch cartoons. I loved that. Nickelodeon. I remember the orange Nickelodeon logo. That was a completely self contained world for me. I had all I needed, even though it was small, and it was childish, I fed myself, and I did something I wanted and nobody was frustrating me or telling me what to feel or how to be, there was no yelling, there were no expectations.
In short, without being on prescription medications, I am reverting back to my former nature, and revisiting a much younger idea of self. Childhood was the time that framed my interpersonal relational model, and the body follows the lead of the mind. I took on the anger and feelings of loss that were around me and I turned those feelings inward on my body. Not eating was a way for me to express those emotions, in the most quiet, most un-seen way. Furthermore, the challenge for me in the future is to learn to let my presence be known, despite the feelings of others.
Here are the words I think when trying to buy foods or eat them:
Diet. Too much. Slow Down. Starve. Die. Give Back. Spoiled. Calm Down.
I have "pots" syndrome, but it's just a word, and gives me many excuses to be critical about food. I've gone to the extreme, while coming off my prescribed psych meds in an effort to fully heal, I pretty much starved myself on an extreme diet. I was gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, organic. While it may be helpful for some, and probably a physically healthy choice, emotionally it was a disaster for me and the emotions took a toll my health as I dropped to less than 100 pounds. I looked like a chemo patient.
I woke up today and went and got McDonalds. Egg McMuffin and hashbrowns. I used to love McDonald's. I know it's not good for you. And I thought of the people who would chastise me for it, and I heard the words of I listed above, and I did it anyway. I am tired of living afraid of everything and having no sense of self.
I went to the grocery store and bought myself everything that looked good to me. Chocolate cake slice, pound cake, organic chocolate chip cookies, pomegranate, orange, apple juice, a non organic coconut oil in a plastic jar, bagels, potatoes, jiffy peanut butter with hydrogenated oil. Organic chicken nuggets. I took them upstairs.
My mother tends to overreact to food. She calls herself a "foodie" which drives me insane. Basically, she has to talk everything out around food. And I've taken on that trait in other ways. Her messages interceded with my own in childhood and I learned that being skinny was a very precious thing. I believe that I dissociated from my feelings of hunger pretty early on, as well as most of my feelings. For that reason I've been oblivious to the fact that I have what is called an eating disorder, "not otherwise specified". In effect, I don't feel hunger. Instead I feel a really strong sense of uneasiness, emotional confusion, perhaps a desire to control, and a sense of being overwhelmed. I'm having a really hard time processing basic feelings. So I'm learning to do this separate from other people, which is what I never learned before. This is probably why I cook food and bring it to others for approval.
I had a memory this morning, of a safe place for me, that I felt as a child. I generally don't feel safe places of aloneness. When I was a kid, on Saturdays, like today, I could go into my parents room with a pop tart and watch cartoons. I loved that. Nickelodeon. I remember the orange Nickelodeon logo. That was a completely self contained world for me. I had all I needed, even though it was small, and it was childish, I fed myself, and I did something I wanted and nobody was frustrating me or telling me what to feel or how to be, there was no yelling, there were no expectations.
In short, without being on prescription medications, I am reverting back to my former nature, and revisiting a much younger idea of self. Childhood was the time that framed my interpersonal relational model, and the body follows the lead of the mind. I took on the anger and feelings of loss that were around me and I turned those feelings inward on my body. Not eating was a way for me to express those emotions, in the most quiet, most un-seen way. Furthermore, the challenge for me in the future is to learn to let my presence be known, despite the feelings of others.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
6 months off prescription meds
Sometimes I feel like I've never even been here. The world looks like a different place, and my innocence is surely stifled by the experience of making the decision to go off prescription drugs. Somewhere in this the damage of the reality of the situation made me much more vengeful than I'm comfortable with, but for now I had taken things slow recognizing my inner turmoil. I'm starting to let it out, to others I mean. Nobody likes it.
Despite all this, I've decided to try beyond diagnosis. I have gotten them, and I know now more than anything that any diagnosis never sufficiently touches on the entirety of an illness, and doctors surely don't know the way to health, or sanity for that matter. Medical or psychiatric, it tends to be a downward spiral. Finding the self in all this is typically the one thing left out, and the essential piece. I am still here and I plan on getting better, even if sometimes it's hard to believe. I had one doctor tell me I'd never get my heart racing under control (4 months ago) and I already have so f these people. Doctors should be called reporters cause all they give is bad news. A lesson to be learned, never listen to doubt. As it's said by some Irish proverb, "If you must doubt, doubt your doubts, not your beliefs." I'm still working on it. And I still want to be a good person.
So Vitamin C has worked out for me. And I have been starving with a tight stomach and high anxiety and taking a small bit of Niacinamide, (about 100 mg) ramped up my hunger after a two year long struggle to get enough calories. I wolfed down a piece of cake last night now problem. Proud of myself.
I am using the Vitamin Cure for Depression (sounds like drool) but not so much when your struggling with energy issues. It helps better than the drugs because it addresses my body, which is obviously in need of nourishment and is suffering from this so called POTS disorder, which is totally brought on by detoxing these horrible asshole drugs. And the accompanied grief. So yes, a week on about 500-750mg vitamin C a day with exercise had done me good but I had a lapse because my chest was killing me. Killing me. My heart hurt as it beat in the middle of the night, I even went to the doctor about it, who claimed it was my posture. Good job, doc, stupid. So I knew it was my weight, even though I am around 110, it's not enough. I had to stop until the Niacinamide came into mind and I'm back eating more, so I'm really grateful about that. I've added 400mg Folic Acid today, and might add some B6 tomorrow.
I don't have a job, I've been way too sick to do it but I need to. My plan is to get working within the month.
Current Script:
1,000 mg daily Vitamin C (For norepenephrine and dopamine production)
50-100mg Niacinamide (For serotonin production, sleep, appetite increase, and sleep)
400mg Folic Acid* (Regulates serotonin, dopamine, and norephineprine)
20 min a day exercise
Stuffing myself with lots more food
Will update, Tata for now.
*Folic Acid generates L-methylfolate with the help of the enzyme MTHFR (Methylentetrahydrofolate reductase). Some people have low MTHFR activity because of a genetic polymorphism (variation) and should use the pre methylated form called Methylfolate for supplementation. Such persons only recover using this type of folate. You can buy Methylfolate vitamins online or at specialty stores.
#methfr mutation #depression #pots syndrome #P.O.T.S. #vitamin #zoloft #celexa #seroqeul #detox #recovery
Despite all this, I've decided to try beyond diagnosis. I have gotten them, and I know now more than anything that any diagnosis never sufficiently touches on the entirety of an illness, and doctors surely don't know the way to health, or sanity for that matter. Medical or psychiatric, it tends to be a downward spiral. Finding the self in all this is typically the one thing left out, and the essential piece. I am still here and I plan on getting better, even if sometimes it's hard to believe. I had one doctor tell me I'd never get my heart racing under control (4 months ago) and I already have so f these people. Doctors should be called reporters cause all they give is bad news. A lesson to be learned, never listen to doubt. As it's said by some Irish proverb, "If you must doubt, doubt your doubts, not your beliefs." I'm still working on it. And I still want to be a good person.
So Vitamin C has worked out for me. And I have been starving with a tight stomach and high anxiety and taking a small bit of Niacinamide, (about 100 mg) ramped up my hunger after a two year long struggle to get enough calories. I wolfed down a piece of cake last night now problem. Proud of myself.
I am using the Vitamin Cure for Depression (sounds like drool) but not so much when your struggling with energy issues. It helps better than the drugs because it addresses my body, which is obviously in need of nourishment and is suffering from this so called POTS disorder, which is totally brought on by detoxing these horrible asshole drugs. And the accompanied grief. So yes, a week on about 500-750mg vitamin C a day with exercise had done me good but I had a lapse because my chest was killing me. Killing me. My heart hurt as it beat in the middle of the night, I even went to the doctor about it, who claimed it was my posture. Good job, doc, stupid. So I knew it was my weight, even though I am around 110, it's not enough. I had to stop until the Niacinamide came into mind and I'm back eating more, so I'm really grateful about that. I've added 400mg Folic Acid today, and might add some B6 tomorrow.
I don't have a job, I've been way too sick to do it but I need to. My plan is to get working within the month.
Current Script:
1,000 mg daily Vitamin C (For norepenephrine and dopamine production)
50-100mg Niacinamide (For serotonin production, sleep, appetite increase, and sleep)
400mg Folic Acid* (Regulates serotonin, dopamine, and norephineprine)
20 min a day exercise
Stuffing myself with lots more food
Will update, Tata for now.
*Folic Acid generates L-methylfolate with the help of the enzyme MTHFR (Methylentetrahydrofolate reductase). Some people have low MTHFR activity because of a genetic polymorphism (variation) and should use the pre methylated form called Methylfolate for supplementation. Such persons only recover using this type of folate. You can buy Methylfolate vitamins online or at specialty stores.
#methfr mutation #depression #pots syndrome #P.O.T.S. #vitamin #zoloft #celexa #seroqeul #detox #recovery
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)