Spiritually lifted, but still sick!

So I've had some really amazing shifts this week with my spiritual and emotional life. I feel lighter, I feel happier, I feel connected to spirit, but I'm still going in and out of it. But this lift I've experienced has really been amazing! My confidence is coming back, my emotions are leveling out. I don't feel like I'm always in the dimension of chaos anymore, which is actually a really big deal!

But it's been a really tough week physically. A few days ago I got so sick that I ended up vomiting after eating a grilled cheese and some raw carrots. I think this was a bad turning point, or a significant one.  I heard the owl come outside thew window. This happens when I'm in really bad shape, I think our bodies must release a hormone or something when we're toxic, because those damn owls show up.

I was extremely weak and laying on the floor. I had to take a lot of medication for me to settle down, and I had been experiencing a lot of sleep paralysis. It was just a bad two weeks looking back. I had tried to go off the Valium and became so agitated I felt suicidal and had to go back up to 3 mg for a few days just to numb myself and then down to 2, and I think that was just too much for me. Then that night of vomiting a week or so later and the next day I woke up with swollen lymph nodes. Those have lasted a few days and then today I woke up with goiter.

I'm experiencing two extremes, one is a total high and connectedness and another is this deep sickness. So I'm trying to stay in the light but I'm so tired and can't sleep without getting sick.

Abdominal pain ouch.

I'm in the doctors office on campus again seeing an urgent care doctor again for bad abdominal pain today. She seems as confused as any other doctor I've seen this year. She wants another rhumetology  appointment for me. I mentioned to her my theory of the medication allergy and she didn't seem to think that was it. She didn't respond when I explained it anyway. She is taking a couple blood tests. I appreciate her determination and her kind words. She said I have to stay positive and we will find the answer. It hurt exceptionally badly when they took blood. Probably a mixture of dehydration and withdrawal.
I don't want to take any more valium. I can't stand the thought of it any more. The most I will do is take a last dose of. 25mg tonight. I feel very dizzy today like the ground is shaking. I feel like my brain is wrecked from all of these drugs. It is so hard to let go of the anger and the blame. This should have never happened. It is unfair. I wish I never took a pill in my life.
The thing that sucks about not having a diagnosis is that it makes it hard to determine how to help yourself. Im afraid to eat gluten dairy and sugar in case it is parasites or candida. I cant drink alcohol or coffee. Im afraid of trans fats if it is cancer. The pelvic and abdominal inflammation make it so i cant exercise too rigorously.  Basically its hard to have a life, do anything normal, or have fun. Cant eat, think or have sex. Im proud of myself for getting through this and i will be grateful for the rest of my life enjoying the gifts of normalcy.

Still Coming Off the Benzos After 2 Months, Allergy and Dependence, Histamine Receptor Impairment Due to Seroquel

I am still stuck in this cycle with the benzodiazapine medication. It is very tiring. I cannot seem to get off of it. I have been tapering off the Diazepam after switching from Lorazepam for two months now. When I recently tried to stop completely a week or so ago, I began to get recurrent rapid heartrate. It was so severe that I eventually got a Holter Montor from a cardiologist at Mayo Clinic. By the time I got the monitor, I had gone back on the medication, so extreme 140+ bpm episodes that I had been experiencing for about three days before was not recorded, though they did say I had tachycardia due to some sort of stress, and finding the source of the stress was important.
I can tell that the Diazepam irritates my system. I do not have any autoimmune disease, though the symptoms this medication gives me mimics those types of conditions. I had a full rhumetology panel done because of it. I am certain that I am either allergic or having a toxic reaction to this medication. I believe the reason why is a combination of having taken Seroquel for many years (around 13) and stopping it, as well as the stress induced by taking a homeopathic remedy that further activated my misfiring mechanisms. Seroquel works very strongly on the histamine receptors, and hence it is a very heavy sedative. I took it unnecessarily for many years for anxiety. It made me sleep 12 hours a day. It had a strong impact on my body's development. It doesn't seem illogical to assume that it has effected my histamine receptors, perhaps damaged them, or impared their ability to work properly on their own. I have had many allergic reactions to antidepressants and other medications this year. They manifest in the form of boils, hives and rashes and intense stomach pain. I believe my body will heal once I get off of all medications completely.
I am now taking about .75mg Diazepam a day. The heartrate issue is becoming more of a problem, and harder to stabalize. I realize that my tolerance is going up with time, so even though I went back up on the medication with the onset of the rapid heartrate at night, I am still withdrawling more and more as the days go on. I am fearful of what is to come completely stopping the drug, but I know it is time to do it. I feel that I need medical monitoring to withdrawal safely. I do not think my body is reacting in a predictable manner. It is hard to get any doctor to understand my perspective. They all seem to disagree that the Diazepam could be causing this problem, but I have documented my taper and it is clear to see there is a negative causal relationship between the dose of the Diazepam and the frequency and intensity of this rapid heartrate. I also regret to say that I am having mild hallucinations coupled with extreme anxiety right before dosing the Diazepam.
What is even more controversial is that the now chronic and unexplained pelvic inflammation that I am experiencing is declining as I go down on the Diazepam. The stomach pain is decreasing as well. But I now have more symptom of withdrawal, and that includes chest pain as well as the need to sleep coupled with voilent startle responses during sleep, hypersensitivity to excitement, sensations of the ground shaking, and throat and lung irritation.
I am almost certain that I am allergic to the Diazepam as well as dependent on it. I need to get off this drug. It is a very peculiar and delicate situation. I am sad that I have not been able to get the understanding of any medical professional, as it has made this process much more distressing.

Spiritual guidance

Im getting a lit of spiritual guidance. Saturday morning i asjed for messages and u heard: you are going to have a better life.
I keep waking up and seeing the word cancer.
David

Inward knowledge.

I received the word "death"  this morning. I have been praying for forgiveness to break the karma I have acquired and about a week ago I received "there have been things done to your body that can't be forgiven." This guidance is scary and I don't know if it is true or not.
The strange thing is I feel so much peace today. Love is in my heart again and my mind is settling. Im just concerned because of this message and I have lost 10 pounds in a week. I am having these heart issues and random pain. But my soul is leveling out and I pray this death is the death of my old self. I want to live I have come so far. I have asked for more clear guidance. I am working on blessing things.