I have been in the long struggle of coming off these medications for a long time. The main reason is because it has changed my personality to a great degree, and I haven't been comfortable with facing the new creature I'm becoming because of it. The main thing is I'm much more sensitive. That may be an understatement. But there are up sides to this type of sensitivity. One is I'm much more inclined to get out of an unhealthy situation. The second, I now am regaining skills I had lost when I went on the medications 14 years ago. I'm actually able to retain information. I am shocked to be understanding my online responsive web design class.
I initially tried to quickly cram my consciousness back into the medication box because, besides the hell of withdrawal, the new mind is set free into a state of tension. It's uncomfortable. It's not like being born into a loving mother's arms with rites of passage and all the time in the world to figure out who you are. It's being born again an adult, being expected to take care of yourself, to interact smoothly in interpersonal relationships, and to already have built up buffering systems for the harsh realities of life. And being on a path that very few choose, so there is an element of feeling completely alone and unable to relate to others. I'm hoping this will find anyone who's walking this path.
Again, once the decision is made to make the jump, there are new tools and gifts to help you find your way. I found this new mind likes to figure things out. I get relief and great satisfaction from solving a problem. And I'm now actually able to pull all the information together in such a way to do so. Thus, creativity is coming back to me. I can't help but wonder if this tension was there all along, I was just numb to it. I can't help but wonder if this tension is the tension of real emotional work that I had neglected, and very desperately needed to do my whole life. I am running with that idea right now. And it has been beneficial. When I look at my anxiety and depression through the eyes of modern psychiatry (not necessarily psychology), it is a problem, a flaw that needs to be corrected, and is something I shouldn't have to deal with and will ruin my life. When I look at it from this new perspective, it gives me power and a direction. It is actually the means to a life. But it is a challenge, because it means I have to change my whole life. I have had to change the way I eat, I have had to learn to disconnect from toxic and time consuming relationships with men, and I have had to learn to face my beliefs and emotions. I have had to change my heros and find mental narratives that ultimately lead to something positive. I basically have to rewrite the script. Being off medication means a lot of things. It means a long withdrawal period and a lot of misunderstanding by those around you. It means a lot of confusion and pain. But once that's settled, it means that I now have to trade in a life that did not fit who I really am that medication made me ok with, while turning over my creative and intellectual abilities, for a life that is very intentional, and ultimately my own. It's really hard. It's like doing14 years of work all at once, or over the span of a few years. It means feeling brand new, and revisiting my frustrations with compassion over and over. It also means victories and the slow evolution of a self realization and true autonomy. And it does mean giving into a kinder bigger picture, and letting go of ideas that don't feed me as a person, even if they are popular. I have to accept the parts of self I tried so slam down with medications for 14 whole years. I was told my whole life by man well educated, white coated and seemingly intelligent individuals that I was happy to allow solve my problems with a prescription that it can't be done. But I am still here, and one way or another, I am doing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment