Striving, and Living in the Freedom of Jesus Christ

I have been striving since 2011. To fix myself. To get off prescription drugs, and become self sufficient. I have been striving to take care of myself, but most fruitfully, to become aware of myself and become better. Which lead me quickly back on a spiritual path, to my roots as a follower of Jesus Christ, as I found that transformation begins within.
What had been unexpected was to find that to truly be well, I had to give up relying on outside markers as a way of gauging my value as a person. And I still long for freedom. I know that I've been suffering for the last few years, and have experienced very deep pain over two factors contributing to my feelings of failure; One being to have a solid and unwavering skill and therefore value in the marketplace (or a good career), and to be a married woman. The second tests my faith more than the first. And while goals are good, and they are needed, ironically, they have repeatedly driven me into despair and also into some very poor decisions on behalf of attaining those goals.
And so I realize that I still am not relying fully on Christ's sacrifice to derive my true value. The problem with placing my worth in these other things is that I will look down on a person who doesn't have a good job. Or I will look down on a woman or man who isn't married, if these are my qualifying factors for maturity. Maybe spiritual maturity is deeper than that, to recognize the value in every human being the way Christ did, because he loved them. Maybe I want that type of freedom. Not to be unaware, or ignorant, but to just be cool with the process, and to experience joy in the journey. Right now I suffer deeply over who has what. And I don't want that. I want freedom in Christ. The pain is too much to bear, and it is constantly getting me down. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be free.


"9 Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister[a] is still in the darkness. 10 Anyone who loves their brother and sister[b] lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. 11 But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them."

1 John 9:2