Just a rant

Today has been like a fog. I got bad sleep last night, worse than usual. I ate a handful of chocolate almonds, some bread, and a small piece of pie and ice cream. I was frustrated after spending a day at mayo clinic. I went to a cardiologist for an echocardiogram which turned up normal. I keep thinking of I go to the specialists the internist suggests, maybe they will eventually lead to the truth of the matter. I am realiZing they have no clue what is wrong. I feel hopeless often times at the lack of help and I owe about 10,000 dollars in medical bills.
It is 107 degrees here and I don't have a car. My eyes are bloodshot and im spacy and tired waiting at a bus stop. My classes are online so I go to my college's main computing commons to use their large desktop computers which are great to use when working on graphic and web design projects. It also gives me a change of scenery.
I talk to my mother often. It is hard for me to talk to people I don't know well. Deep depressive states make you feel unfamiliar to yourself. Everything becomes a question because it is a new and strange experience. Life doesn't build upon past experience anymore because you are on a different track. So the act of simply trying to figure out who to be when someone new talks to you can be daunting. If you were to present yourself honestly as a person feeling the way you feel, you are likely to make someone unco.fortable. if you act as a happy person when you are deeply sad, you are living outside of integrity and silencing that person suffering on the inside. So this is where isolation starts bc it is often times more painful to live in the juxtaposition. There is no clear solution.