I've crash landed somewhere in Arizona. I fought long and hard to get off the Valium and eventually ended up in the hospital. My withdrawal was so severe I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I heard voices upon falling asleep, and I developed really bad tachycardia. I kept going to the ER, my heart would race, especially through the night. I ended up in the ER and demanded to be put in the hospital. They misdiagnosed me with POTS, so my psychiatrist in the hospital thought my heart racing was due to the disorder. A tilt table test revealed I do not have POTS, though the specialist is convinced, I don't know why, I think he just can't admit he was wrong.
They put me on Remeron, which is helping a bit. I'm still down. I'm still depressed, but I'm not in constant agony and I can relax and I can concentrate better. I'm not having the sensation of my dead body being pulled over gravel any longer.
But I am back on the Valium. 2mg. I had to go back up on it. In the hospital the lowest dose they would give me is 2.5mg. And at one point they gave me a shot of 1mg lorazepam (equivalent to 10mg Valium).
I left the hospital and tried to go back to 1mg. Didn't work. Heart racing, went crazy again. Can't go that fast. So I was on 3mg for a few days and now to 2mg. My plan is to stay on and go down by .5mg every 2 weeks. And pray I can get off this crap. My heartrate is up a bit. It stays around 90. It can rest at 100 if I eat the wrong thing. It's a little faster at night. I now take a beta blocker to be safe. So who knows where it really rests.
I'm very tired of this hell journey. I've dipped in and out of depression before. I've been of antidepressants that work before. I've done it twice. This is the worst, and the longest standing. This is visiting the other dimension inside of myself, the darker side. It totally blows. It's not fun. It's hard. It involves seemingly pointless emotions. It's the ultimate burn out.
I know i have to get over the benzo hump. It's going to take a few months. 2 months to get off, probably a couple to stabilize after being off also. Hopefully I'll be ok. Hopefully I will recover. I'm down low. I'm somewhat sane. I'm sad. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't know why life is so fucking hard for me. I'm not getting any easy ways out this time. I can't take SSRI's at this point cause the kill my stomach so I'm doing everything else I can to lessen the pain. I take the Remeron which is a tetracyclic, I eat really well, I take Omegas. I exercise when my heart rate chills out. And I listen to positive stuff. I'm working on my spirituality. But I really just want the depression to stop at this point. I want to move on.
I got a car and it's hard to drive it as I hit the wall with my withdrawals and had a few panic attacks while driving and now it's hard again. It will get better. It gets better depending on who's around. My nervous system's just all jacked up in general. But I've learned through all the online videos and stuff that this is pretty normal for benzo withdrawal. So I have to remember that things may not be completely better getting off Valium, but it will get somewhat better, and I may be somewhat more "stable" at that point. Wish I could make it go faster, but I've learned not to be hasty. This is the ultimate lesson in patience. I have to not go too fast. Too fast is death. It's danger. It's insanity. Don't go too fast off benzos, no matter what doctors tell you or how low you think your dose is. Don't do it. Ever. It doesn't work.
I really want to be free again. I miss the free version of myself, but I don't know how free I ever really was, I just know I was number, and I wasn't so pessimistic. I have a hard time loving anyone or anything or trusting anything anymore. It all gets sucked up into the endless vortex that is in my heart.
I pray to God again. I pray. I pray and I wait. I try to summon god, and gods messages, and I don't really get anything. I've been told to wait for God. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for God on this one.
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