I stopped Valium and Remeron the night before the first of March. I knew it was time. The days leading up to this breakthrough were tough. I was very sick, very paranoid, and the fear crescendoed by the 3rd or 4th day. March 4th, I was very sick. I had called 911 the night before, my heartrate was very unstable again. It was that night I was able to set the record straght with the EMTs who had been to visit me frequently. I saw large flashes of light in my panic, that somehow dissipated my anxiety. I was able to speak calmly and clearly with a heartrate of 100 bpm that this wasn't in my head, that I was in withdrawal. They left kindly, seemingly broken from the illusion that I was insane. I am glad that it was the last time I saw them.
On March 4th I couldn't sleep. I was in a constant state of terror. I remember sitting outside with my mom, just trying to stay calm, feeling as though 1,000 volts were running through my body. The agony. I tried to take a nap. I prayed for help to dissipate the energy. I closed my eyes and I felt the anxiety mounting again, and heard the word, "explode." I felt the terror, I'm going to lose my mind. I had to get up and walk, even though I was afraid of my heart rate being too high.
I walked around the house briskly for about 15 minutes. I had been frozen for months, so it took a lot of courage. I knew that this energy was going to break me if I didn't move it somehow. I felt better after that but exhausted. I was scared, sleeping only a couple hours over a three day period just is scary. Especially when you feel like you have enough energy to run a marathon. Horrible acidic energy. My body felt like it was full of acid. I knew all the suppressed toxins and negative emotions where leaking into my bloodstream. I was drinking lots of water to get it out.
Me and my family had been at wits. I was so angry. My mom sat down next to me. I began to sob. I was so tired of being in agony, the two years of withdrawal just made me long for life again. She took me in her arms, there on the couch I wept and wept for two hours. I was filled with this longing for connection. I had been so disconnected for so long. So unable to feel love, so angry, so unendingly angry. I had forgotten who I was outside of this hell. Somehow being in my mothers arms awakened old feelings of my love for her, and a much more peaceful connection to her before all this. I began to remember, just a little bit, who I was. I said to her "I'm so sorry for all the awful things I've done." And she just, as though nothing had happened, said, "It's ok. I know you're not feeling well." And that began the cascade of compassion. I felt the longing for my family, for my old friends, for california, the love for myself, the self i had come to hate through all this, the parts of self I had rejected, this life and all it's connections that had been burried under pain and hatred. We bagan to fall asleep. I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I let go, as though I was dying in that moment. I said the lord's prayer, and I heard the voice of someone whispering to me something about death. I saw this big black wall, such a cliche thing to see. With black bricks. The voice was very close to me but on my side of the wall. And this wall just busted open, like I had busted through it. I exploded. And I saw myself, I felt all these old energies from my past. I felt god again. I felt the connection to my mother. I saw a place in california right next to the resovour. Right after I busted through this wall, I heard and saw the words "let your presence be known."
I saw angels up ahead, they were around this big hole in the sky covered by clouds. And I heard that god was watching over me, that I had been on the Valium for 13 and a half months, and that Chris Barker had made things worse. I somehow energetically busted through a wall that had been up for a very long time. And when I opened my eyes, I was filled with childlike joy. I looked at my mom and it was like, the joy a child feels when they see their mother. I was so happy to see her! I can't believe, the relief I felt, I still feel.
That feeling faded but it hasn't gone away. Over the next few days I came back into reality about my family and where they are, but my depression is gone. My anxiety is reasonable, considering coming off the benzo and what I've been through, and my personality has returned.
I still don't understand exactly what happened that day on that couch. I can't believe.. the shift that has occurred, like I regained my soul. That's the only way I can describe it, that my soul got locked behind this wall that somehow stopped the inflow of certain energies. I think god always holds us, but we can be cut off from within and we feel it, it's a horrible feeling. It truly is hell.
I'm very grateful for this experience. it was horrible to go through, but it was like a rebirth. somehow I made it home. And by home, I mean a spiritual place. I made it to a safe and open space, where I can be nurtured by positive energies. That sounds so lame, but it's the deepest thing that's ever happened to me. I am so eternally grateful that on the other side of medication for me, there was freedom. True freedom. Freedom in my soul, my spirit. The blessing of my soul, to be who I am, to explore to learn to "let my presence be known." To not hide behind a wall of defense, to not hide my feelings. To become the person I was intended to be, by god. I sound so crazy, but it's so beautiful. It's so wonderful. It's so good to know that who I am is deeper than a diagnosis, supported by the universe. I am free! I am finally free! Now, my life can finally start! Thank you God!
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