i miss being able to take medication

It's a strange world because most people with depression in this modern world are medicated.  It's sort of a thing of the past.  When you're the one person who can't take the medications, it's very surreal. It kind of feels like being in a time warp, or on your own planet. I imagine in the past people with depression all hung out.  They had stuff to talk about. The inability to turn away emotionally and the triggering circumstances of everyday life as well as blatant injustices in our world probably prompted them to find effective outlets and each other.  I look at the work of people like Edvard Munch and I just see a person trying to cope. He eventually got shock therapy in his 80's.  Everyone with that sort of sensitivity is high on meds now. I miss being high on meds.  There's a lot less understanding for untreated depression.  Even from doctors.  They can't accept that it isn't a possibility.  I miss being one of the cured. I miss being able to say "Oh I understand that, I have depression too." but not still being in it. I miss having forgotten what it's like.
Something is eating my brain. Something is eating my body. Still no diagnosis. Another day. I went to the doctor on Monday and she examined my cervix. She said just touching it made it bleed. Nurse called with lab results and nothing abnormal. I hate not knowing what this is.
My mind locks up a lot.  It's like there's so much stress going on that everything freezes. I can't think straight.  I can't tell if the mental stuff causes the physical stuff or not. I know that Ativan works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. I know that this comes in cycles. I know that when I'm emotionally sick, I'm also physically sick. It's so confusing.
Vitamins have helped me a lot. But they aren't helping enough.  I've gone through boughts of mega-dosing to try to cure myself. Eventually I get too nauseous and have to stop, but my brain heals a bit every time. But foods and vitamins have become an obsession, because I'm trying to find the cure. And nothing has worked yet.